I did a quick headspace trip! I'll go over what happened. But first, I need to tell you all about my previous trip.
I went back to the farm by with the guys and freed the old, grey stallion. He ran to the horse pasture.
As we left, we reunited with Mother Bear, who asked if I'd learned a lesson.
I looked back at the stallion to find it was no longer emaciated, and that it looked younger. I said yes.
She walked with us to where the canyon started. We went further in, and I found Trilobite fossils embedded in the walls. I named it Trilobite Canyon. And I went back to front.
Now, for today's visit:
I was in the form of a Sarcosuchus, swimming up the northern river.
I swam slowly with the current, and entered Trilobite Canyon. I didn't feel the force pushing me away like I had before, so I went further in.
I came to a part in the river where it widened. And on one side, an albino Tyrannosaurus slept. It looked weak and sickly, scars covering nearly every inch of its skin. As I watched it, I heard a deep, bassy sound coming from my left.
I looked over and I saw a large, black Tyrannosaurus. It looked healthier than the other. It was quite stocky with very few scars. It stared at me. In that moment, I turned and fled back upriver.
I was engulfed in a white light, and came back here.
Those Tyrannosaurs are sticking in my mind. I wonder who they are and why they're here. Is the white one dying? Are they mates? I feel as though I'm connected to them in some way. Perhaps one of them is the part of me I want gone--my feminine self. And the other is my new, more masculine self. Or maybe I'm just reading too much into it. What do you guys think?
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we don't explore our headspace often β it takes a lot of effort for little gain, and it's impossible to tell if what happens there is real or just our imagination.
that being said, on previous expeditions we often come across what we call "lost children" (name is still a work in progress). they're characterised by looking vaguely like the body but younger, being littles/syskids, and holding some sort of unpleasant memory, thought, or trauma.
there's one with me right now. we haven't decided on a name for her yet, but she likes flower/botanical ones like Juniper, Iris, Clover, Saffron, Jasmine, etc. we would've gone with Juniper but we already had someone called Jun, and we don't want our names to be too similar. her hair is short and kind of blue-black with holographic star glitter in it. she holds trauma we don't actually have, and is playful and funny despite it. she can talk about and do most adult things without discomfort. which makes sense considering the adult nature of said trauma we don't actually have.
I think I'm gonna make a moodboard and see if we can learn more about her that way. plus it's a bonding activityβ’
Adding to questions we have about how memory in front versus headspace works:
(Feel free to fuckin skip but i gotta start on an itemized list of mysteries here)
When headmate x falls out of front and headmate y goes to find and bring them back, why is it that 9 times out of 10, they go "oh yeah I was in front" ???
β β β Adding onto ^ that ^, we've had to start saying to someone in frontspace "hey, I need to go do xyz and plan to return immediately. If I'm not back in 10 minutes, call me." Because a lot of the time they won't make it back to front on their own.
We have a polycule where five of our headmates are involved in a relationship with the host of our amor sys. These ppl genuinely wish to spend regular time with them and at least come out to leave them a message and check in, much more often than they do. With headspace, we can feel others' feelings, their intent, their personalities β these aren't liars, flakes, or ppl who have severe memory issues. So why do they consistently struggle to come out on a regular basis when they want to?
We have a memory transfer issue between front and head space. Individual streams of memory seem to have incredible difficulty syncing with front's memory pool. Multiple times a day we meet people who do not remember their names or lives. Previously this was due to the Curtain, a frontblock vestigial of pre-emergence intended to wipe the memories of all fronters so that anyone who came out thought they were the host and vice versa. We tirelessly worked to chip away at it after syscovery and our highest-clearance admin eventually did quite literally blip it out of existence (which did tremendously help). However, the memory issues still persist. Furthermore, people who spend most of their time further away from front tend to have the hardest time recalling basic facts about themselves. In contrast, some members, for no discernible reason, are able to always and immediately know a significant amount about the system, themselves, and others, but if they try to consciously recall the information, it will slip from them. What continues to ail the memory processes of headmates, how do we change it altogether, and why are some individuals able to "game the system" and keep their knowledge?
Some clues have pointed toward there being some form of light amnesia in headspace, of front and its ongoings. However, we have collected enough data to be confident that both general memory information (relationships forged out front/hobbies/events) and the details of conversations are retained (e.g. I get into an argument with my daughter and next time I check in with her she's calmed down because she talked it through with her big sis). Therefore, what information tends to Not be retained, if any, and how consistent is issue occurrence?
Why is it that sometimes headmates are fully unaware of what's happening out front, or vaguely aware, or can feel or hear what's happening (if close by or closely connected to someone in front)? Why can so many just FEEL when they are being talked about and focused on? What determines when why where or to whom these phenomena occur (or do not)?
I think I will reblog this post from time to time in order to add on any new questions I think of. I need to get it all in one space, collect our thoughts.
If anyone reading this wishes to co-speculate, offer their own perspective and experiences or whatnot, feel absolutely free! This blog gets very little engagement and even less in direct dialogue, so there's 0% chance anybody's swamping our notifs or being a bother by chiming in lol
Not a lot happened. However, I did find some stuff!
We have a front porch! :D
There's a beehive near the front porch. I watched it for a while, noticing all the bees fretting to and fro.
There's a gravel driveway that stretches on for what looks like forever.
There's a highway at the end of it for some reason, with a city in the distance. I can't go there for some reason.
There's possibly a canyon further north of the lake. I saw the grass give way to eroded, red rocks. I can't go there yet either.
On the western side of the lake, there's a farm. It has corn fields, a pig pen, a cow pasture, a horse pasture, and a barn.
In the barn, there are baby goats, a lamb, and an old, grey work horse. He was the only horse in the barn. He looked emaciated. Somehow, I understood his pain. Though I'm not physically starving, I'm starved in a different way.
There are birds in Wildflower Forest; mostly black-capped chickadees and bluebirds.
One thing I've learned about my headspace today is: There's a fuck ton of symbolism in it.
I got into headspace and had a look around. Kai was in the kitchen, going through the first-aid kit to make sure everything was still usable.
Keigo admired my new haircut.
Toya wasn't around. I asked them where he was. And they said he was out back. So I went to go see him.
He seemed lost in thought, leaning against the wall next to the door.
I asked him if he was okay, and he shrugged and said he was fine, and that he wanted to go with me to see the canyon again. I told him yes and took his hand.
When we got to the canyon, we walked along the river until we came to the place where it widens. At the end of that section, we saw a mass standing there and rooting around. It raised its head and sniffed the air, and turned to face us. The mass stepped into the sun, revealing itself to be the white, sickly, scarred rex.
It stiffly walked toward us. And when it got to us, it leaned down, opening its mouth to grab us. It was missing several teeth; some were cracked and broken off, while others were just...holes.
Toya's hands lit up as he activated his quirk; he was going to protect me. However, in the blink of an eye, the white one was knocked over. The black rex had it pinned to the ground, holding her neck in his teeth.
They fought for what felt like hours until the white one gave up.
The black rex let her go, and looked at Toya and I. The white rex got up and limped off upriver.
The black rex turned to go downriver at a slow pace, gesturing with his head for us to follow.
The black rex lead Toya and I to a cave deep within Trilobite Canyon. The cave is lined with various gemstones; various quartzes, rubies, sapphires, topazes. Lots of them.
The cave is quite long, and leads to a dead end. At that dead end, the gemstones give way to cave paintings. Paintings of dinosaurs, mammoths, and nautiluses--probably ammonites-- litter the walls of the cave. They're all simplistic, as though they were made by early man. At the dead end itself, a T-Rex skeleton is embedded into the wall. It shows signs of breakage and regrowth, like healed breaks. It's contorted in its death pose.
I asked the black rex who the bones used to be. He leaned down and bumped his nose against me.
"You." he seemed to say. I tried to argue that it isn't, but he insisted. "Though you may be physically here, in your mind and spirit, you are of my flesh and blood--of my tooth and claw. You may not look like me, but you are of my kind."
The black rex then lead Toya and I out of the cave, and walks us back to where the valley meets the canyon. He tells me to go home for now. So, I do. I walked with Toya back to the house, and returned here.
So yeah...Kinda still reeling from this one. I gotta try to figure out all this....
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I entered headspace through a beach to the south. However, I wasn't in my human form.
I decided to walk a ways down the beach for a while.
I caught a scent and before I even recognized who it was, something-- or rather, someone-- lands on my back. And I hear a familiar: "Hi there, baby bird!" It was Keigo.
We talked a while as I kept walking, telling Keigo about my hectic day. Then, he asks:
"Have you even looked at yourself yet?"
He gently presses the left side of my neck, making me turn right (not sure how he learned that....), and had me step into the shallow part of the sea.
I look down and see my reflection: A large head covered in vibrant blue, pebbly skin. Bright orange eyes with black sclera. I turn my body to the side, and reveal that my midsection-- from my shoulders, to the base of my tail-- is a deep, dark grey with barely visible, black stripes. And my tail was the same shade of blue as my head. I was undoubtedly a T-Rex.
After I got a good look at myself, Keigo encouraged me to keep walking down the beach. So, I did.
I caught another familiar scent coming from the left, and I look toward it. There's a patch of jungle. Without really thinking, I go over to investigate. It smells like a campfire with a touch of natural grime. And as I stick my snout into a bunch of ferns, a certain protector jumps out at me. He wraps his arms around my snout, and I my head along with him. With Keigo's help, he gets settled on my back too. And I decide to head deeper into the jungle.
About two miles later and I catch another, cleaner scent, and follow it. At that point, I got a form of tunnel vision, and only focused on the trail. I come to a thicket full of more ferns and cycads. It's so thick that I can't really see anything within it. So, I start nosing around. The scent got stronger at that point, but I still couldn't quite see who it was. However, I felt something in my snout; almost like a small electrical pulse. It came again and again, like a heartbeat. Eventually, my snout bumped into something warm and alive, and I hear a chuckle. And I hear that familiar, flat, gruff voice say:
"Good job, dove."
And I feel a gloved hand pat my snout. Kai comes out of hiding and I crouch down to let him get on my back. Toya and Keigo help him up.
I carry them all back home, walking north through the jungle as if I knew exactly where to go.
When we got back to the house, everyone got off my back. Kai and Keigo landed on their feet, but Toya fell on his butt. I grabbed him by the back of his jacket and set him on his feet.
They wanted me to come inside with them, but I wanted to go exploring more. However, I opted to do that later. I went inside, had some water, and came back here.
So yeah, a ton happened! Once again, I'm finding myself wishing I could draw what I looked like. Because wow, I was prettier than I expected.
More stuff happened in headspace! Here's what went on:
Shirou and I took a walk through the wilderness area; Wildflower Forest, Turtle Lake, and Trylobite Canyon.
Before we started our trek, we had a brief discussion. I told him about all the places I'd been and what I did. I told him about what happened in Shadow Forest, and he asked if I'd seen the other Keigo-- Osprey. I told him yes, and that Osprey wasn't nice. To which Shirou remarked that he suspected as much.
When we got to Trylobite Canyon, I froze up. Shirou asked why I was so hesitant to go there, and I told him about the two T-Rexes. He then said:
"The white one is the past. The old self-- the old you. She still lives because she feeds off of fear. Every anxious thought you have keeps her alive. If you want her gone, then stop feeding her."
Shirou urged me to go into the canyon with him, so I did.
We came to where the river widens-- where Toya and I were attacked by her-- and we saw the black Rex basking in the sun. His eyes were closed, and he looked blissful. Happy. Satisfied. As though he had just eaten a big meal.
Shirou and I approached, and I spoke to the rex. He opened a single eye and looked down at me. And for a moment, he seemed to smile.
We talked for a few minutes. The Rex said:
"I was wondering when you'd come see me again. Truthfully, I have missed you, little one. I feared you would not return. And though it took some coaxing to bring you here, you have come. Your bravery leaves the other hungry, and gives me strength. I am proud of you."
I thanked him and asked for his name. He said:
"I have not a name. None that a human ear can hear. But I shall ask you: What name would you give me?"
I stared at him for a moment, and a name came to my mind: Macocha. So, that's his name now, I guess.
That's all that happened this morning! Wild stuff, am I right?
I went back into headspace to see if anyone else was in the backrooms-- I should probably explain in case I haven't posted about it here. (I posted about it on our Tiktok, though. So go over there if you want more stuff.) The "backrooms" in my headspace are rooms in the back of the space. It's just a long hallway full of doors on both sides. Every room is customized to mimic an environment, or canon setting. Cloud, Nanaki, and others who don't hang out in the main section of the house all live there.
Anyways, I went back there just now and I found someone I thought was long gone. His name is Shirou. And he looks like this:
I also found a Johnathan Ohn, AKA: The Spot from Across the Spiderverse. He's been here a while-- since I left a friend who kept crossing boundaries. John says he knows them, and that he "misses" me. Shirou immediately growled at him and told him to leave and never come back-- and that if he did, he'd get his ass kicked (Paraphrasing, of course.). So yeah, Shirou doesn't like him. Nobody in the system does due to his association with that one person. Not even Keigo likes him-- which is wild, because he likes everybody.
But yeah, that's' all that happened for now! Also: Shirou might actually make a post later!
