So it's been about two days, I guess. I still don't even know what to think right now. Or what to feel really. It hurts, but it also feels...cold and...'not there'. If that makes any sense.
Mostly I'm just kinda...numb, I think.
I stayed with Axl's older alt for a day or so. Or rather I laid on the couch at the abandoned church and stared at the wall. I haven't cried a whole lot. At least I don't think I have. It doesn't feel like I have. It kinda mostly feels like I'm stuck in some weird limbo right now to be honestā¦
Somehow or another I managed to make my way home today. Granted now Iām mostly sitting on that couch instead of a different one. Gos is with me. Heās been whining a lot. Keeps going back and forth between asking if Iām okay and asking...where he is. Itās not as if I really have an answer for him all things considered. Not one heāll like anyway.
Can...I consider this home any more? I mean, technically itās not my apartment, itās his. But heās not...here...
I remember way back I asked X what happens when...when you fight for someone else, and theyāre felled by someone elseās blade. What youāre supposed to do then. āKeep fighting,ā he said. āIt's always hard to lose someone that you love. I know that well. But, as a Maverick Hunter, the needs of the many will outweigh the needs of the few. You protect every innocent person from danger, even if you've never met them, even if they'll never thank you.ā
Somehow that was a lot easier to swallow when it was still a hypothetical.
I donāt wanna think about fighting right now. I wanna lay down and go to sleep and pretend heāll be here when I wake up. I hate the way grief feels, I hate the way it makes you feel like someone shot you in the chest and how it makes you feel everything and nothing all at once.
Gos seems to have decided heās going to try and make me feel better by bringing me things. First he brought me a dog treat like the genius that he is. Then when I reminded him that I donāt eat those he brought me a piece of fruit. And then he dragged over a pillow and a blanket and dropped āem on my lap. He...doesnāt really get it, but I know heās trying. And he still wags his tail when I give him a pat on the head and tell him, āGood boy,ā even if my voice sounds a little like a bag of nails being shoved through a rusty pipe.
Heās plopped himself in my lap for now, so Iām just kinda petting him a bit and hoping if I stare at the ceiling long enough Iāll fall asleep. I really, really need to rest, honestly. That bomb wasnāt terribly friendly to my already fragile-as-shit body and I didnāt...exactly hang around the medbay. I wasnāt in much of a state of mind to be around anyone, much less a medic. The fruit tasted kinda good anyway, I guess. It was something. Ā I needed something. God only knows I need something right now.
Somehow my gaze wanders to the calendar on the wall, and I have to squint at it for a few moments before I realize why tomorrowās date is circled. Oh yeah...tomorrow isā¦
Tomorrow...would have been one year since we...got togetherā¦
Slowly, I push Gospel off of my lap and get to my feet, crossing the room to stare at the calendar blearily. And suddenly it doesnāt feel numb any more. It...it hurts. It suddenly hurts and I donāt...I donāt know whatā¦
I reach up to touch the calendar, and somehow I end up with my hand in a fist, and the page crumpling under my fingers, and...and...
I have to get out of hereā¦
Feeling myself begin to shake, I turn and nearly sprint outside, somehow remembering to lock the door behind me before I start to run hard. Thankfully itās already dark out, so thereās no one to stop me. It hurts, dammit, it hurtsā¦!
Gospelās right near my side, and I can hear him whining and feel him nipping at my ankles. He wants me to stop, my core canāt handle this right now he keeps reminding me. And I know it canāt. My coreās pounding and my eyes hurt and my head hurts and I donāt want to stop running, at least if Iām running then maybe I can get away somehow.
I donāt want to keep fighting, Iām fighting right now! Iām fighting to keep my legs from giving out and Iām fighting the knot in my throat and the heat in my eyes and Iām fighting just to keep it together but Iā¦!
I can feel a weight in my chest, and the weight rises into my throat, and it ends up coming out as a near-scream, a strong pulse of energy exploding outward from my core as I fall to my knees. Itās not fair! Itās not fair, why did I have to lose him?! Why?!
āYou said youād be fine!ā I shout, looking up at the sky like I expect it to talk back. āYou told me youād come out of this fine! Y-you were supposed to win, a-and we were going to go home and lay in bed together and watch Eva, andā¦!ā
My voice cracks, and I donāt even register that my eyes are wet. āA-and we were gonna work in R&D and f-finish making a chassis, and everything...everything was gonna beā¦ā Iām not shouting any more. Just whispering. Whispering and trying not to choke on every sob thatās rising in my chest. āE-everything was gonna be good for onceā¦we werenāt...gonna be the universeās chew toys any moreā¦ā
āC-come back,ā I whimper out, hunching over and ignoring Gospel nuzzling my cheek and whining in my ear. āPlease, come back, I-Iām sorry I couldnāt protect youā¦ā I should have been there, I should have stayed with him... āI-I need you...p-please, Dy, I-I canātā¦ā
Another sob jerks at my shoulders, and Iām vaguely aware of Gospel giving a long, low howl. Heās gone, Iāll never see him again, heās goneā¦
