#hdweek

"What the fuck, Sean?" Jace asked with confusion.

"No, think about it! Cooper never tells us about his past, so it's totally realistic if he's actually an escaped lab experiment!" Sean replied. "Just look at him!"

Jace looked over at their coworker. We wasn't really doing anything of note, just drinking some soda, and once he finished it he crushed the can with his hand and took a bite out of it, chewing on the metal like gum.

"...okay, I know he's done weird stuff like that, but that doesn't mean he's an escaped lab experiment." The blond said, giving His friend a weird look. Cooper flipped them off and walked away.

"No, listen to me dude, he's done way more than that." Sean said, leaning in close and his voice suddenly a whisper. "Meet me at my house after work. I have something to show you."

Extremely skeptical, jace agreed to do so.

Once he arrived, Sean turned around in his computer room seat like some kind of bad guy in a movie, grinning just like one too.

"Ok, what did you want to show me?" Jace asked, crossing his arms.

Sean tilted his head. "Do you think you're ready?"

"What does that even mean?"

"The things I've found definitely are not for the faint of heart."

"Please, it's cooper barnes. How bad can it be?"

"Worse than you think."

Jace sighed and walked over to the computer. Sean followed him, scooting along on his chair.

the screen had an article titled 'Henry danger: a new nickelodeon gay subtext classic?'

Jace had a confused yet inexplicably surprised look on his face. "Sean, what the hell is this?"

"I know, just look." The young man at the computer said as he scrolled down to a specific line and ran the mouse over it. "Read that."

Jace looked at the small paragraph.

Cooper barnes, shown here, is no stranger to gay things. He starred in a homoerotic film about football players.

"Wait... he starred in WHAT?" Jace shouted in surprise.

"Gay porn, Jace! Cooper did gay porn!" Sean shouted back. Thank god the computer room had thick walls.

"You're joking, right? This article is a joke?"

"Not at all."

"ok, but how do you know that's true? You can't just use one article." Jace replied, clear skepticism in his voice.

"Okay, yeah, but it's not like it's a clickhole article or anything." Sean said, "i do have more evidence, though."

"Oh yeah? What?"

Sean quickly searched up 'cooper barnes gay porn' and got a surprising amount of results, all of them having cooper's name in the title.

"...dude! No way that's real." Jace lied, he believed Sean now, but didn't want to admit it so quickly.

"Do I need to show you pictures, jace?" sean replied, irritated.

"No! No! Absolutely not!" Jace responded. "I don't want to see that shit!"

"Good choice." His friend replied. "I really wish I could unsee that shit."

"Oh god."

"Anyways, cooper also has a lot of other weird suit going on for him." Sean said as he closed the tab and got ready to type something else up.

"And what exactly would that be?"

"When I first found out about the gay porn, I decided to do more research to see if I could find anything else." Sean began. "You'd expect him to have a Wikipedia page like us, right?"

"Yeah..." jace replied, sickened yet curious.

"I looked for it, because surely they'd mention gay porn on his page, right?"

"Yeah..."

"I looked, and he doesn't. Not outside of the Henry danger wiki."

"Bullshit! I know he has one!" Jace suddenly shouted.

"Yeah, in polish!" Sean shouted back.

"Wait, what?"

Sean showed him, And sure enough, there it was.

"This is so weird..."

"And you should go through his IMDB later, it's got a lot of weird shit."

"I believe that."

"Also, i think matthew zhang found out about this first, but cooper also confessed to killing someone in an interview recently." Sean changed the subject a bit.

"Wait, what the hell?" Jace responded, not sure if he should believe him.

"Seriously, let me show you the article he sent me."

Sean pasted a link in the search bar, scrolled for a while, and pointed his mouse at a passage.

"It's the first question of an interview." He replied.

Jace read over the passage which cooper told a suspiciously detailed story of a first date where he took a girl out to make out and do other things in his car before some dude high on meth or something tried to attack them, so cooper tried to fight them and his date ended up killing them, and they dumped the body in a river and left to get food and wash up.

"...oh my god, dude."

"I feel like it actually happened, but he tried to pass it off as a joke." Sean explained. Jace nodded in agreement.

The two boys were about to discuss further, but it was interrupted by Sean's phone ringing.

They looked at the screen. Matthew zhang was calling. Sean picked up the phone and answered, then put it on speaker.

"You're on speaker right now, Matt. Tell us what you found."

"The Pornhub podcast said they're going to have cooper barnes on their show, we need to follow them over and witness him expose himself as an ex-gay porn star." He said through the phone. "I'm headed to your house right now. We're following his car to the place."

Sean hung up and dragged Jace outside, where Matthew pulled up in a surprisingly expensive looking car.

"Hey guys! I had to call an uber!"

"What kind of uber driver has a whip that expensive?" Sean shouted back.

"No time to explain, get in the car both of you!"

Sean and Jace ran in, shut the door and drove off.

"Okay, who's driving us?" Jace responded as they took off.

"Me, asshole." A voice said. Sean looked over at the driver as he followed cooper's car.

Once both hit a red light, the driver turned around to look at them. Jace's jaw dropped.

"POST MALONE?"

"Yeah, stop freaking out. I'm just as invested in this as you are, you know." Post replied, returning to following cooper's car.

"What? Since when do you watch henry danger?"

"I don't. My friend told me about it."

Jace and Sean looked at each other and shrugged.

"By the way, can nobody mention the murder? I don't want whatever KGB shit cooper used to cover his tracks hunting us down because we know too much." Matthew zhang asked them before grabbing the aux cord and turning on some lil toenail music, which resulted in everyone telling him to 'turn that shit off'

After a lot of arguing and conspiracy theories, they finally arrived significantly earlier than cooper did to pornhub studios for the podcast.

"Okay, how do we sneak in? Post is the only one who looks old enough to even be there." Jace asked, still trying to process what was happening.

"I have an idea." Post Malone replied and took two black suits and sunglasses out of the trunk.

"Blond kid and your friend there,"

"Our names are jace and Sean!"

"Jay and sam, get changed in the car, you'll be my secret service agents." Post instructed.

Jace shrugged and crawled back into the car to do so.

"What about me?" Matthew zhang asked.

"You're going to cling to my stomach and we're going to put a shirt over you so I look like some fatass." Post said.

Matt cringed a little, but it was worth the risk to find out the truth about cooper barnes.

Once Jace and Sean were in their disguises, they both climbed out and noticed cooper had arrived.

"Follow that cryptid!" Sean whisper-shouted.

"Dammit, sam." Post Malone replied.

Sean sighed and they followed post inside, a considerable distance behind cooper.

Getting into the building undetected was hard, they had a few close calls as cooper kept looking around warily, in his shitty varsity jacket with the pornhub logo with his last name and the number 69 on the back. None of them could take him seriously wearing that.

But overall, they managed to get in and follow the target undetected.

Once cooper found the podcast room, he entered and shut the door Behind him, allowing the four cryptid hunters to come out from hiding behind the corner.

"You can come out now, matt." Post Malone said, lifting up the second shirt that Matthew zhang fell out of.

"Thank god! It was starting to smell fucking terrible!" Matt cried in relief.

"Hey! It's not my fault they made me use cherry scented lube!" Someone said nearby.

"Nobody was talking to you, asshole." Jace replied.

"Oh..." the person replied and walked off sulking.

After that exchange, everyone put their ear up to the door, trying to hear anything they could, searching for the perfect time to strike.

So far, the podcast was quite strange. Cooper had a lengthy talk about politics with who post Malone insisted was the person running the company's twitter account, and asa Akira, which Jace swore he knew about her only by seeing the pornhub twitter account's shitposts.

Everyone gave him the benefit of the doubt.

"So when do we kick the door down and expose cooper like in a cop movie?" Matt asked everyone.

Jace and Sean simply shrugged. Sean had no idea, and Jace was still not entirely sure if this was happening, if his best friend was actually an ex gay porn star and possible serial killer, or if this was all some weird drug trip or a fever dream.

"Just wait for my countdown." Post replied, listening closer.

"One..." the rapper began. The three child actors got behind him

"Two..."

Jace's heart raced. What if there were bodyguards? What if there were assasins hiding in that room to kill them?

"Three!"

The door was kicked open with a surprising amount of force.

"STOP RIGHT THERE!"

Asa Akira, cooper barnes, and aria, the person behind the pornhub twitter account, all froze and looked at them like deer in headlights.

"you can't hide anymore, cooper! We know everything!" Matt shouted.

"Who are you guys?" Asa Akira said, confused.

"My coworkers... and post Malone...?" Cooper said, tilting his head.

"They look a little young to be in gay porn, did you-"

"Oh, god no! Im not a fucking pedophile, I'm on nickelodeon now!"

"You never said that."

"No seriously! It's called henry danger, I play-"

"We actually don't care, we just wanted to make sure you weren't a child molester or something."

"That's fair."

Cooper turned to look at them, not realizing jace was with the three.

"Okay, first up. Matt, we already knew you were a meme loving fuck so this was probably hilarious to you when you found out about my past." The brunet began.

"Yeah, I'm not going to make fun of you for it though." Matthew zhang replied, awkwardly looking around the room.

"Sean, are you cool with this?" Cooper asked.

Sean nodded. "Yeah, I'm not some asshole who shames people because they did sex work in the past. You do what you have to do, ya know?"

"Thanks bro I almost had to suck dan Schneider's toes for my role as captain man" cooper said once more.

"Wait, what?"

"Nothing."

"Anyways, post Malone, why are you involved with this? Since when did you watch Henry danger?" Cooper asked and tilted his head.

"I don't, Matthew zhang told me and I honestly thought it was hilarious." Post Malone replied. "Also, there's one more person here."

"Whomst?"

"Jace normie."

At least he got my first name right... Jace thought as he ran out to see cooper, feeling extremely mixed emotions.

"Jace! Hi..." cooper started, visibly terrified.

"Cooper seriously, why the fuck didn't you tell me?" Jace suddenly screamed. "I'm having an existential crisis over this!"

"Dude, you were like 14 when I met you, you wouldn't have been able to handle that. I was going to tell you once you turned 18, I'm not tryna fuck tho don't freak out."

"Okay good otherwise I'd be really scared."

The two yelled at each other about morals for a while until jace came to his senses.

"Man fuck this lmao, wanna go get food?"

"Hell Yeah I do"

"And in less than a minute, my friends, captain man and kid danger will be revealing their true identities!" Frankini announced to his nonexistent crowd as Charlotte, Jasper, Piper, Sidney, and Oliver stood just out of his line of sight.

Once they saw what he was going to do at the beginning of the livestream, Piper immediately knew something was up and called Jasper, who in turn called Sidney and Oliver. They decided to take direct action by sneaking into club Frankini and shutting off the power so they could successfully sneak the two heroes out, and they were only seconds away from completing it.

"I found the power! I'll look for the main switch while you keep an eye on Frankini," Oliver whispered as he ran his fingers over the array of buttons. "There's so many..."

Charlotte eyed frankini as he droned on about something to stall anyone watching the stream. "Oliver, Anything?"

"No."

"Ugh. Jasper, do you see anything?"

Jasper scanned the area before turning back to Charlotte. "They have a domitron, and that's what's making captain man and kid danger act like this."

Charlotte nodded before explaining to the rest of the group what such a machine was, not even realizing that the two heroes were being forced to take off their masks.

"Oliver, hurry! We're that close!"

"But I haven't figured out which is which!"

"Then turn off all of them!"

He obliged and the room was pitch black. The two heroes regained control of their bodies as the group rushed out and heard quiet, but angry muttering.

In what felt like no time at all, the electricity came back on, and with it the lights and the livestream.

The rescue team looked around, they had no time to help the two heroes, and Sidney stood in front of the domitron and was looking for a switch.

The rest of the group rushed over to him. If they had control of the machine, maybe they could keep captain man and kid danger safe. For now.

Frankini looked at the group with a shocked expression, before turning back to the camera, glaring daggers.

"Since captain man and kid danger have friends that won't let them cooperate, we'll be, um, talking some sense into them," he said before immediately darting off.

A loud crashing noise could be heard as Frankini jumped into a machine, closing the top of it and driving it out into the open and facing the two heroes head on. The machine looked like some kind of tank with agile, robotic legs, arms that seemed to be more for wrecking things than anything else, and three canons protruding from it's back, like bright purple Gatling guns, all framed by neon lights.

Captain man and kid danger could only look up, frozen in fear.

The rescue team looked at each other in terror, but Charlotte had an idea.

"Piper! Frankini probably turned off the livestream, can you put it back on and record the fight?"

"Yes ma'am!" Piper half-jokingly saluted and ran over to the camera.

"Sidney! Don't you play a lot of video games?" Charlotte asked.

"Yeah..." they replied, looking confused.

"The domitron is like a video game controller, and captain man and kid danger are your characters. I know they can't fight that thing and expect to win on their own."

"I'll do it."

Charlotte turned to the other two, still bewildered.

"Oliver, Jasper." She began. "We'll keep everyone away from Sidney."

They both nodded and stood guard.

Sidney, finally understanding the controls, watched as captain man and kid danger awkwardly jerked their whole bodies, and then charged at Frankini.

All Charlotte could do was watch as Sidney's hands danced across the machine, causing the two heroes to evade the barrage of lasers that the machine was firing with surprising grace.

A loud hissing sound filled the room as a few of what seemed to Be brightly colored missiles emerged from the robot's back.

Kid danger's eyes widened with fear.

Sidney mumbled and let kid danger look through his weapons, while captain man ended up taking the first few hits, but when the last few were on their way, kid danger shot them down with his blaster.

Charlotte sighed in relief, but then immediately tensed up as kid danger started firing wildly at the Machine.

"Sidney, what are you doing!?" Oliver screamed.

"Just trust me!" They shouted back as their hands slid around the domitron's screen, small circles indicating control sliding around so fast they were practically a blur.

"What are you even trying to do here?" Jasper asked. "You're just making them run around and shoot at the robot every now and then."

"This works, trust me."

"Maybe in video games! You're going to get us killed!"

"What else do you want me to do then?"

"Wait! What if the next time Frankini's robot fired missiles, you make captain man grab one and throw it at-"

"no!"

While the two continued arguing, kid danger took out a few small bombs and threw them at the machine, causing significant damage.

"Sidney! That was good, keep using bombs!"

They weren't even listening, However. They continued to fight the Machine, but barely noticed that it had managed to pick up kid danger with it's one still working arm, and sent him flying across the room, crashing right into a display of some kind.

Jasper and Charlotte both yelped and ran over to help him.

"Are you okay?" Jasper said, trying to clear a bit of the wreckage and help him up. Charlotte went to do the Same.

"I... I have no idea..." kid danger said weakly. "I don't think I'm bleeding or anything..."

"Come on man, stay with us!"

"Can we sit down somewhere?"

"Of course we can, I'll let Sidney know not to mess with you anymore." Charlotte assured him as they helped him away from where he landed.

"Wait, Sidney was making us fight like that?"

Jasper nodded and Charlotte looked over at the Machine. It seemed to be heavily damaged and smoking a little, but Frankini definitely wasn't giving up anytime soon.

"I don't get it!" Sidney shouted as Charlotte ran back to help him. "Your weapons are barely there anymore! Just give up!"

"Sidney, what's going on?"

"I'm running out of defenses and he doesn't seem like he's going to stop. I don't know what to do."

Charlotte looked over the robot and thought for a minute. There's got to be some kind of weak spot...

Then, it hit her. There was a small window in the front leading directly into the cockpit where Frankini was.

"Sidney! See that small window there?" Charlotte said to the black-haired enby.

"Yeah..." they replied.

"That's where Frankini is! Break the window but don't fire in!"

Sidney obliged, and once the sound of glass breaking was heard, the machine fell backwards, and the driver jumped out and ran away so fast they barely noticed him. There was no way he was going to risk any physical harm to himself.

Piper stopped the stream. "I got the entire fight on camera!"

Charlotte congratulated her, and turned off the domitron. Captain man gained control of his body again, and was rendered speechless at what had just happened.

Kid danger stood up again and ran over to greet him.

"So, you kids did this?" Captain man asked.

Sidney nodded. "Yep!"

The hero smiled softly. "Thank you, everyone. We'll be on our way now."