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I cannot remember the last time I updated my blog.  Obviously, I’m very overdue for a post.  As always, do me a favor & ignore my grammatical, mechanical, and typo errors … because ain’t nobody got time for that!  ;) #letsbehonest

As many of you know, I was cast in my local Little Theatre’s production of Miracle on 34th Street.  I decided to audition for a part because Leah is into plays and I figured this would be a special bonding experience for us.   (After all, the past 3 years have more or less been focused on Anne-Marie and her needs.)  Little did I know, that play would turn out to be a huge blessing in my life.  

Here Leah and I are outside the star dressing room ;) right before opening night! 

My character, Doris, was a career-driven single parent who had lost hope in love after a divorce.  Doris focused on being a good mother, which, in her eyes, meant not allowing her daughter, Susan, to believe in Santa Claus.  She felt she was preparing Susan for some of the harsh realities in the world.

As the story plays out, Doris softens and becomes a true believer.  One of my favorite lines was, “We must believe, Susan.  You and I both have to believe or we’ll never get anything.”  Stop and process that for a second…

There have been COUNTLESS times in my life, where I could’ve let common sense or even negativity take over my mindset.  Fortunately, I have always been a believer, always.

Like Doris, I have been a divorced, single-parent.  Like Doris, I focused on my work (and NEVER missed a single day while going through a very dark time).  Like Doris, I put my daughter before myself.  But unlike Doris, I never questioned my faith.  Did I feel alone?  Absolutely.  Did I question my purpose and worth?  Absolutely.  Did I feel guilt?  Absolutely, I did.  Did I ever stop believing in God?  Absolutely not.  At my very core, I knew he was there, even when I didn’t always feel him.  

Throughout our community, it seems this holiday season has been filled with heartache.  My co-worker lost her teenage son.  A very dear friend of mine suffered a miscarriage.  A FB friend of mine gave birth to EXTREMELY premature twins.  Families I know personally are dealing with addiction, separation, cancer, etc.  Life is hard.  Life is unfair.  But I keep reflecting on Doris’ line, “We must believe.”  If we cannot believe, we cannot have hope…

A play is is like a intricately woven quilt (well, I quilts are sewed not really woven, but you get my point) -- every piece is important to the overall pattern. The costumes, lights, sound, lines, lead roles, supporting roles, publicity, props, the director … all are significant. To play Doris, I had LOTS of lines to memorize. In order for my lines to make sense, I relied on my cast mates to learn their lines and deliver them just right.  There is a certain level of trust that goes along with being on stage.  Did we say out lines perfectly each night? No, but fortunately we were able to give our all to each performance even though we had our share of blunders.  For example, an alarm backstage was going off very loudly during one show and Mr. Macy (Devin Hall) acknowledged it and improvised by saying he was going to have maintenance fix it.  Another show, Fred (Ryland Clark) forgot a prop he needed for the scene but he was able to think quickly on his feet and incorporate a way to exit and re-enter with it.  

Basically, I am a person that does better when I feel I have control.  I could control my own level of dedication and my own actions, but that was all.  (Which is exactly why being in a play was the perfect personal growth experience.)  Believing in our director, crew, and cast and believing our play may be a blessing to our audience proved to me that greatness really does happen when we push ourselves and take-risks.

Our whole cast and crew!  These talented people will always be so special to me!

Just like our play, I really have no control of Anne-Marie’s outcome.  I can control my own actions.  I take her to OT, PT, and ST weekly.  Well, my mom takes her to all of her therapy appointments.  #thankyoujesus  #mymomisthebombdotcom I read to her.  I feed her on schedule as best I can.  I try my best not to miss medication doses.  I do the best I can.  However, my closest friends know I worry very much about her future.  I have been scared of the unknown since her traumatic beginning.  Entering the world weighing 14.8 ounces and with VERY underdeveloped lungs and spending almost 7 months in the hospital really put her at a disadvantage for cognitive development.  I pray and I trust and I believe.  I believed Anne-Marie would survive when her lungs were very, VERY sick.  Still, I believe Anne-Marie will not need her feeding tube forever.  I believe Anne-Marie will talk and I will soon hear her say, “I love you, Mommy.”

Here is Anne-Marie at a recent PT session.  She’s riding a tricycle for the very first time!    

I believe my co-worker will be reunited with her son again one day.  I believe my friend will have a healthy pregnancy when the time is right.  I believe the twins I am praying so hard for will become stronger and healthier and not have significant, lasting effects from their premature births.

I believe there is still so much good in the world.  Actually, I know this because I encounter it daily.

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was insane

best gig i've been too in a while

mad night with some mad mates

ran into troy and alwin there

havnt seen either of them in months, such good dudes