I wasn’t really sold on the Curse of Chucky when I watched it on Netflix one gloomy Sunday afternoon last year. The CGI version of Chucky is cheap-looking and a lot less believable than the puppet used in most of the movies. But alas, budget cuts. CGI is now way cheaper than puppeteering, so here we are. Anyway, it’s another Sunday when I should be getting my mind ready for the work week, but instead I’m freaking myself out with movies about killer dolls. So a special long form review is hitting the Haunted Trailer Park this week: Cult of Chucky.

Cult of Chucky picks up where Curse left off, Nica, the paraplegic victim of Chucky’s psychological torture, is in a high security mental institution after being convicted of the murder of her family and then granted the insanity plea. Her good behavior and acceptance of herself as a schizophrenic and thus the murderer of her family leads to her being transferred to a medium security mental institution. This place is much nicer, with a super stark futuristic thing going on and a middle of nowhere vibe.

The movie actually starts with our poor favorite Andy, who goes on a bad date and returns home to the original head of Chucky, his “friend to the end” that he tortures every night as punishment for ruining Andy’s life. At one point in the movie Andy actually brings the Chucky head to Dr. Foley to try to proclaim Nica’s innocence, but Dr. Foley dismisses the head as “special effects.” I really don’t like this doctor guy, honestly.

In the first group session at the new institution, one of the schizophrenic patients lets Nica know that Chucky is coming for her, which of course makes Nica lose her shit and laugh hysterically. I would too if a crazy lady told me the doll that killed my family and ruined my life was going to be dropping by office hours. Later that same day, of course, Tiffany AKA Jennifer Tilly AKA I don’t even know which she claims to be most of the time, shows up to let Nica know that her neice Alice is dead. For those of you who didn’t watch Curse, Alice was the only one left alive after Chucky killed the rest of the Pierces. She was 12 when she died, most likely at the hands of Jennifer. Jennifer somehow ended up as Alice’s guardian.

Dr. Foley decides that a good way for the group to deal with Nica’s arrival and allegedly murderous past is to introduce a Good Guy doll for them to interact with. This Good Guy doll just happens to be named Chucky as well. Apparently when the dolls were mass produced in the 80s, 2% of them were named Chucky. And he got a Chucky on purpose. Okay. Anyway, I forgot to mention that when Jennifer aka Tiffany visits Nica, she gives Nica the Chucky doll that belonged to Alice (though it was promised that it wasn’t the same doll found at the crime scene where the family died. Okay). Nica rejects the doll and zooms away in her wheelchair, very upset obviously that her only living relative is now dead.

Now there are 2 Chucky dolls, this is when it gets insane. At first, Nica is convinced that one of the dolls is evil and the actual murdering Chucky doll. TURNS OUT, both of them are possessed and capable of murder. What?! The original Chucky doll possessed the other one using that Latin spell thing from the original movies, and he’s spreading himself from doll to doll. They’re mass producing murderers! It even goes so far that Malcolm the guy with multiple personality disorder adds a new personality of Charles, aka the full name of the serial killer that possessed the OG Good Guy doll in the first place.

Oh and I didn’t even get to the fact that this asshole Doctor guy is um...IN LOVE with Nica? He hypnotizes her to try to “extract the truth” about the murders but instead alludes to the fact that in the past he’s used the hypnosis time to take advantage of Nica sexually. GROSS. And when it looks like she’s going to be framed for the murders again (because multiple people at the asylum start dying), he’s upset that she won’t get to stay at the nicer asylum with him where he could give her “more personalized attention.”

This movie is just so ridiculous. Thanks to “Voodoo for Dummies,” I guess Chucky found a doll that allowed him to possess multiple dolls at once. Three Chucky dolls, and three times the fun. And the dialogue. Always a laugh. I should hate him but the one liners are just so on point in this movie.

Andy decides to commit himself to the asylum, I guess as an attempt to help/save Nica but also take care of Chucky since he realized that there was more than one doll (the original head kind of let it slip). So at this point in the movie the dolls are fighting over who gets to kill Andy. AND THEN TIFFANY SHOWS UP AGAIN. She kills a guard and has the doll version of herself with her, I’m not sure why.

Chucky won’t kill Nica, and I guess it’s because he wants to use her. Seems like a lot of work honestly, I don’t get why she’s so special to him. He finally uses the Voodoo for Dummies spell to possess her, and miracle upon miracles she can walk again! She’s all Chucky now, and she proceeds to smash Dr. Asshole’s face in while wearing the red heels he put on her a little earlier.

And it turns out that Malcolm wasn’t actually possessed by Chucky, he just wanted to be. He even kills a nurse and says he’s Charles, but of course, no one calls him that. Charles always goes by Chucky. And Nica as Chucky reveals that to him, causing him to have a little multiple identity crisis. So then one of the other Chucky dolls kills him while Nica Chucky of course cracks up laughing.

Honestly, I’m kind of digging the murderous Thelma and Louise vibes at the end of the movie. It basically ends with Human Tiffany and NicaChucky kissing, and leaving in the car. And them laugh hysterically, along with the Tiffany doll who is also alive. What?! Are we getting another movie?! I need it! I’m so confused!

Oh and 4/5 ghosties. This movie was insane.

Let's get into the nitty gritty...Honestly, I’m still afraid to walk too close to sewer drains after watching the original IT mini-series. And I know that generations of people can’t even talk about that one shower scene. So, needless to say, this film adaption of the 1986 Stephen King novel has a lot at stake. Tim Curry was the Pennywise of our hearts, and our childhood nightmares (btw, he’s definitely still alive). So, this week, it’s time to review the trailer for IT.

Let's get into the nitty gritty...

The premise: I feel like we all know what this is about, but I'll go ahead and summarize this for you anyway. The film, like the novel, is about a group of outcasts (known as "The Losers Club") terrorized by an immortal, terrifying, shape-shifting dude over a few decades. IT goes down in Derry, Maine and lots of children go missing over the course of Pennywise's terror campaign. The kids confront Pennywise, a literal demon, and their own personal demons, by the end of the movie.

The music: It's kind of your typical slow, suspenseful music in this trailer. Nothing too special or original going on here. Honestly I just keep thinking about the balloons. 

Other spooky observations:  Red balloons. So many red balloons! But not quite...99 red balloons. I had to. The new Pennywise make-up is so creep. I can't believe they made the slightly hot youngest Skarsgard brother look SO DAMN SCARY. I'm sure his teeth are ridiculously sharp too. Ugh. 

The verdict: IT gets 4/5 ghosties. The movie really does look terrifying, and even if I have to see it alone I WILL be in the theater to see it. But only if they let me keep the lights on while it's playing. You'll float too. 

It’s the last week of September, which can only mean one thing. Halloween is one week closer!

October is going to be a fun month for the Haunted Trailer Park, so be checking your inboxes every Wednesday for the next 4 weeks. In the meantime, I finally saw IT last weekend, and happened to peep this sad excuse for a scary movie: POLAROID. It gets the review this week, instead of Friend Request (the poor man’s UNFRIENDED).

Let’s get into the nitty gritty...

The premise: POLAROID is about, you guessed it, a polaroid camera. Something about this old polaroid camera makes the people it takes a picture of die. Their picture is taken and a shadowy form appears behind or near them. Eventually, a shape-shifting figure that breathes really loudly (probably needs an inhaler) kills them. It really reminds me of The Ring in that the deaths are predicted, and it steals this element from the original The Omen as well.

The music: Dark and dramatic, pretty standard in terms of scary movie music. This isn’t a musical thing but I really can’t get over the way the polaroid ghost thing breathes, it’s almost as bad as the RRRGHHHHH thing from The Grudge. But nothing will ever beat that.

Other spooky observations: While the movie looks pretty sub-standard, there are some fun actors and stuff. The cute redheaded girl from Riverdale is in it, and I think dies in the first 10 minutes based off of the way the trailer is cut. ALSO, one of the twins from the second generation of Skins is in it. Who also happens to be a redhead. Hmm.  

The verdict: ⅕ ghosties for POLAROID. Sorry boo, but this is an attempt at originality that falls so flat it’s like the wicked witch of the west after Dorothy dropped the house on her.