#hate strong

Right after my dad died, everyone kept telling me to be strong and how amazed they were at how strong I was. I wasn't strong, I was confused and spiraling. It didn't feel real, it still doesn't feel real. There are days that I wake up and want to call him to tell him about this crazy nightmare until it finally clicks. I spoke at his memorial service without breaking down not because I was strong, but because I needed everything to be perfect and needed to be in control. Everyone kept telling me about how strong we were and I hated it. Does being strong mean I'm not allowed to cry? Why do I need to be strong? I hate that word now. People thought I was so strong that they started to try to sell of my dad's stuff the next day after he died. So strong that I had to answer so many fucking questions right after they told me he died. I'm a kid...I'm just a kid. I know I'm 20 but I haven't even lost my grandparents yet. I don't understand loss. I'm not strong. I just don't know how to show my emotions and I'm just confused. All I want is my dad not to be strong.

Sorry about the rant taking a turn