#hashtag vent

"Waaah-waaah-waaah, the first floor is so confusing!" "Weeeh-weeeh-weeeh, the landlord's apartment is so big!" UH-OH! LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE HASN'T GONE DOWN INTO THE BASEMENT!

Fucking awful, horrible place.

The cool synth cuts out after you exit the basement. And now you know what time it is! Time for the enormous fuck-you labyrinth, with those stupid fucking pipe guys with resistances to most of the shit I'm packing, and those stupid fucking floating corpses that chase you down, AND THOSE STUPID FUCKING PATHWAYS.

Mmmm, yes, yum-yum-yum, NOTHING beats wandering around like a newborn without a clue, bumping into the accursed Boiler Beast, THEN getting jumped by the Sewer Beast- Or wait, was it the other way around? Sorry, I can't remember, BECAUSE THE ENCOUNTERS WERE ALMOST FUCKING BACK-TO-BACK!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!!

Am I stupid. Am I bad at the game. On my first playthrough, I only died, like. Twice. Once to Leigh, once to the Quartet. Both times were my fault entirely, but we managed the rest of time! I tried to keep my danger low. I was extra careful, checking if the encounter at the door was a cursed or not. I reset multiple times on day two, trying to figure out how to avoid hurting Joel, and play with Ben without upsetting him. I made sure to learn enemy resistances and weaknesses, and prepare accordingly.

Antoine is a total piece of shit, and I hate him, fuck you, Antoine, but I still beat his ass. It was almost as tough as the Goddamn Rat King, if not more so, but, hey, it's my solemn duty to beat a nerd like Antoine up, and shove him in the locker where he belongs. Fuck you, Antoine. FUCK YOU, I ALMOST MISSED YOU, WHEN I HAD TO CRAWL AROUND DIRTY SEWAGE JUST. LOOKING FOR THE KIDS.

The kids are alright. Let's be clear. They're good kids, I would not want to scare or hurt or upset them at all. Definitely gritted my teeth a little because of the fact that I had to dig around Every. Mother. Fucking. Corner. Dealing with those stupid flies, and those stupid pipe guys, and those stupid walking probably-references... Okay, well, they're not stupid, they do have fire designs.

Do you know how badly I wanted to kiss my screen when we found the boiler room? When instead of listening to the constant distant drip - with NONE of the cool ambience of the first floor, or the banger tracks on the ground floor, or the basement - with the splish-splash-splish-splash of walking around, we finally touched a FLOOR? A solid FLOOR, free of those pipe guys? I would kiss my screen any day anyway, but OOOH, THE JOY OF FREEDOM.

Shoutout to the Boiler Beast again, STOP FUCKING SUCKING THE ENERGY OUT OF US, YOU PIECE OF SHIT ASSHOLE.

You know, it was nice. Exploring on steady ground a bit. Getting some soup. Meeting some chill cursed. Taking a peek at that one mushroom area I heard was pretty cool. It was nice looking around. You know what wasn't nice, though? You know what wasn't cool? THE FACT THAT I SPENT SO FUCKING LONG IN THE SEWERS, LITERALLY UNABLE TO FIND MY WAY BACK, THAT I GOT JUMPED BY ONE OF THE FUCKING SHADES! THE BIG ONE!!

Until that point, I only heard of shades. Literally. One time, we dicked around at the landlord's too long, and I heard a menacing whisper in my ear, as I made my way back. Scary! They're the only enemies I will flee from always.

Like, at first, I avoided the Rat King, because, obviously, I don't want to get my ass beaten. Xaria and Monty dispatched him real quick, though. Escaped from the Stargazer, and the meat gang, returning only when I didn't just have one guy with a broom and a kid with a teddy bear. Did not touch Taxidermy, until we had, like, fifteen bombs on us, and everyone was level twelve or above. Dodged and weaved around Clint and a couple Onlookers because I still felt really, really bad for them. Hoped for a cure.

Inevitably (regretabbly, in the latter case), I took them all down. Everyone else I faced head-on. And I didn't have to pussyfoot around it, I could very easily just not go into their areas. BUT I WAS FUCKING LOCKED DOWN THERE WITH THE BOILER BEAST. FLEED, AND THE MOTHERFUCKER FOLLOWED ME INTO THE OTHER ROOM. AW, SHUCKS, OR WAS IT THE SEWER BEAST? I HAVE NO IDEA! THE BASTARDS BLEND TOGETHER TO ME! I HATE THEM BOTH!

I hate the sewers. I hate the one-way waterfall paths. I hate the multiple entrances and exits. I hate the levers. I had David's pussy ass not wanting to come with me, LIKE, MAYBE AT A FUCKING DISTANCE, AT LEAST, TO AVOID SCARING THE KIDS, BUT STILL BEING THERE, WHENEVER SOME PIPE BITCH REARED ITS UGLY HEAD. I hate that I got stuck down there long enough to get the "Living Dangerously" achievement AGAINST MY OWN WILL!!!!!! I hate that I got jumped by a big, fat, ugly shade. I hate that those floating corpses land with this turd-landing-in-toilet-water sound effect.

AND THEN I HAD TO BE BACK IN THE FUCKING BUILDING AGAIN!!!!!

I bitch and moan, but I have zero clue how to, like. "Fix" them. Maybe I am just bad at the game. But fuck, it's the only area I'd rather look up a map for, than explore and battle through on my own. David owes me at LEAST fifteen fucking healing sprays for finding Coralie and Thomas specifically.