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OBSCURE REFERENCES AND HOW TO USE THEM

Harris Mayersohn

The toughest part of living in New York is learning how to conduct yourself conversationally. Unlike other parts of the world where common sense prevails, New York peoples are damn proud of their comparative literature degrees from small schools you’ve never heard of; but rest assured their school is the “Harvard of [insert state here]” (unless of course they went to Harvard, the “Vanderbilt of the North”).

Asking a formal acquaintance what exactly they’re referencing is akin to socially screaming ‘Uncle.’ Confess a lack of knowledge on any subject and you’ve effectively submitted yourself to another, confirming that they are a better person because they read something you didn’t, you worthless piece of publicly educated shit. Referencing obscure writers, chair architects and so on allows the overeducated to engage in constant battles of bloody knuckles without roughing up their smooth, uncalloused hands.

But be careful! Make an over-done, passé reference and you’re just another poseur. A David Foster Wallace reference in 2016? Unacceptable. Making a shitty pun like “Billy Joel Osment” would gain you more favor than earnestly mentioning your favorite Foster Wallace Harper’s piece.

And don’t forget: if you aren’t using a condescending tone whilst explaining your reference, your conversation partner won’t know they should be embarrassed for not knowing something you clearly do! This writer recommends phrases like “Obviously,” “Lesser work,” and “How do you not know this, dummy?”

In short, if you want to become a notable figure in New York’s cultural scene, there’s nothing more important than obtaining a strong arsenal of obscure and irrelevant reference points. A choice reference not only impresses your conversation partners, but also validates your life decisions! So, feel free to use any of the following references next time you’re trying to impress someone:

Reference #1: Gary Richrath

as in: “His prose has an almost Richrathian quality to it: simple but elegantly profound.”

(You may best know Gary Richrath, as the lead guitarist, singer and songwriter in REO Speedwagon from 1970 until 1989.)

Reference #2: Paul Leka

as in “My app that helps you track places you’ve eaten a charcuterie plate will make me as secretly influential as Paul Leka was in the 1970s.”

(You may best know Paul Leka as the visionary Connecticut-based record producer who helped REO Speedwagon record their first album for Epic Records.)

Reference #3: G.W. Gouinlock’s CNE Grandstand

as in: “The architecture is reminiscent of G.W. Gouinlock’s work on the illustrious CNE Grandstand. Bold, but familiar. Lively, but inviting, don’t you think?”

(You may best know G.W. Gouinlock as the architect who designed the CNE Grandstand in Toronto, where REO Speedwagon famously performed on August 18th, 1985 as part of their “Wheels are Turnin” tour.)

Reference #4: REO Speedwagon

as in, “Fuck, I’m going to see REO Speedwagon at this secret, damp warehouse. You in?”

(You may best know REO Speedwagon as the greatest dang band that ever existed.)

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