#hard feels

Jack glanced up from the papers he was looking over when he heard a door shut and then soft shuffling on the hardwood. He waited to see what Emma was going to do, ready to put his papers down for the evening if that was the case. Seconds later he had his answer when Emma stood looking lost and confused in the doorway.

“Emma?” he questioned curiously.

The girl sniffled loudly before rubbing at her eyes with her pajama covered arm. “I c-can’t find M-m-mummy!” she wailed.

Immediately Jack shoved everything aside and got up from where he’d been lounging on the guest bed. He crossed the room quickly and scooped up his sister into his arms. She wasn’t awake, that much was clear and it was obvious what her dreams had been about. Emma allowed herself to be held tightly, her own arms looping around her brother’s neck, one small hand fisting in the short white hairs for comfort as she became little more than a koala. Jack held her easily, she was small after all, and rubbed her back while trying to calm her.

“Hey, it’s okay. I’m here Em, I’m here.” he said, forcing his voice to stay calm.

He had to keep himself as calm as could be to keep her from becoming more upset, no matter how much it broke his heart. Emma hid her face against his shoulder and cried. Her tears were exhaustion and fear and Jack did what he could to calm her down. He rubbed her back and spoke softly to her, trying to reassure her that she wasn’t alone and that he was there. It took some time but he managed to calm her down enough to stop the tears from falling, a small victory in his mind.

“Stay?” Emma asked, her voice small and frail.

Jack nodded slightly and pressed a kiss to the top of her head. “Yeah, stay. Come on, lay down with me.”

Emma allowed herself to be laid down and she crawled under the blankets, watching Jack for a long moment. He offered a small smile and grabbed a second blanket from the chest at the end of the bed then brought it up with him as he flopped onto the bed. He was all smiles and playful antics and soon Emma was giggling and hitting him with a pillow.

The play didn’t last long and soon Jack was lounging in a half-sitting position with Emma curled up against his side snoring softly. He was uncomfortable and knew that he’d have a terrible crick in his back in the morning but he didn’t care. He just wanted his sister to be sleeping peacefully. Absently he pet her hair and watched as she slept, her face relaxed and at peace. No nightmares were going to get her while Jack was there. He’d make sure of it. He let out a sigh and pinched the bridge of his nose before staring up at the ceiling. It was hard, but he was trying. The gods knew he was trying his best to keep the family together and sane.

Morning settled on the small sleepy town and Jack groaned slightly when he was blasted with sun directly to his face. He reached up to rub his face and then proceeded to fall off the bed when the alarm suddenly went off, startling the young man. He hit the floor with a firm thud and groaned slightly from where he lay, staring up at his ceiling. He really ought to re-spackle the ceiling…Suddenly large brown eyes were peering over the edge of the bed down at him.

“You fell down.” Emma supplied helpfully.

“Ya think?” Jack muttered before rolling slightly and making a sound as his feet hit the floor beside him. “Sleep well kiddo?”

Emma nodded as she sat back, watching Jack slowly stagger to his feet. “Yes.”

Jack turned his gaze to his sister, there was still a haunted look in her eyes but he wasn’t sure if that would ever disappear. Not after what she’d experienced. Absently he debated with different things before rubbing the back of his neck.

“Do you want to go to school today?” he asked, reaching out to pat her on the head.

The girl took the question into serious thought, her brows drawing together as she turned it over in her mind. “Yes, I’ll go. We’re going to the star-dome, remember?”

Jack smiled. “The planetarium, yes. All right kiddo, go get dressed and I’ll make some breakfast. Gotta be ready before Rapunzel and Elfi get here to take you to school.”

He watched as Emma lit up and took off out the door. Jack sighed and rubbed the back of his neck before moving downstairs. He’d fallen asleep in the clothes he’d been wearing the day before and didn’t bother to change just yet. He’d deal with that crap when his sister was off to school. Right now he had more important things to do, like feed the monster and make sure her lunch was ready. The stairs had been repaired nearly a week ago and Jack smiled whenever he saw the bannister. It had been an interesting few days to be certain.

He paused at the front door and unlocked it so that way Rapunzel and Elfi could just come in when they arrived. He decided on a bowl of cereal for the morning while he worked on making Emma’s lunch. He was slicing apples by the time she showed up and started to eat her breakfast. They didn’t speak, instead listening to the music that played softly on the small stereo sitting on one of the counters. Soon Emma pushed her bowl into the sink and ran back upstairs to get her things.

“Good morning!” Rapunzel called as she stepped into the house, a pie in one hand and Elfi holding the other.

The girl was released as she raced up the stairs after calling a quick hello to Jack. He glanced up and offered a small smile to the blonde when she came in, clad in paint splattered overalls this time. Her green eyes dimmed slightly as she set the pie down on the counter, then reached out to touch his arm worriedly.

“Rough night?” she asked softly.

Jack grimaced. “Does it show?”

The blonde woman seemed to be debating on what to say and finally offered a tiny smile and a hesitant nod. “You look really tired.” After a moment she seemed to come to a decision within herself. “Hey, how about I take Emma for the afternoon. You take some time to rest and recover. You’re gonna make yourself sick at this rate. We’ll bring her back after dinner, I’m making lasagna. Or you can come over for dinner!” She smiled brightly. “But anyway, after school Elfi and I are going to the park to catch caterpillars so she can see the transformation to a butterfly. We could take Emma with us, I’ve got extra little containers so she can watch her own progress.”

Jack thought it over before nodding slightly. “Yeah, she’d like that. Emma likes bugs.”

Rapunzel laughed and called the girls down so they could walk to the school. Jack informed Emma of the bug hunt and predictably the girl begged to be allowed to go. He handed over the lunch box, classic Star Wars of all things, and waved them off before retreating into the house. He stood for a long moment in the semi-silence before letting out a sigh. He busied himself with cleaning the kitchen and the living room and then the downstairs bathroom and the halls. It didn’t take long and Jack found himself standing in the middle of the living room.

His gaze lingered on the stack of unopened letters that rested on an end table and he sighed. They were all the same, sympathy and well wishes from people he didn’t know. People who knew his parents and knew Emma, strangers telling him the same thing over and over again and he had to just smile and accept it because it would be rude to do otherwise. He took a deep breath and then sighed only to close his eyes tightly. The walls were beginning to creep in on him and Jack panicked. He suddenly couldn’t breathe.

He closed his eyes tightly again before turning and escaping from the house, barely having enough sense of mind to grab shoes and his keys. The door swung shut behind him with a loud bang and Jack couldn’t bring himself to care. He just needed, he needed to get some air and put some space between him and the oppressing home that was his mother’s sanctuary. His mind wandered as his feet paced along the sidewalk. He didn’t think about where he was going and he didn’t focus on things around him until he came to a stop in front of a heavy iron gate. The town cemetery.

Jack hesitated. He hadn’t been back since the funeral and even then, he’d been absent or so he felt. He reached up with a shaking hand and pushed open the latch, wincing at the heavy creak of the hinges. Over a hundred years would do that to an iron gate though. Still Jack hesitated before taking a deep breath and stepping into the world of the dead. A chill raced down his spine and he shoved his hands into his hoodie pocket before picking his way through the rows of polished stones toward the newest ones in the sacred place.

Blue eyes stared unseeing for a moment at the headstones which marked his mother and Adam’s final places. Slowly he sank down to one knee in front of them and sighed heavily. “Hey mum, Adam…”

If he tried hard enough he could still picture his mother and her warm smiles. How long had it been since he’d actually last seen her face? Gods how many times did he tell her he’d visit the next year since he’d left? Guilt built in his stomach and he let out a ragged and shaky breath. Had he hurt her then? Disappointed her when he chose not to fly across the country on holidays?

“I…” Jack took a steadying breath. “I miss you mum. It’s, harder than I thought to be doing this. I’m trying my best to raise her, to help Emma through this. It’s so damn hard though. I don’t know how you did it.” He sank down to both knees and settled back, staring at his mother’s name carved on cold rock. “I don’t know what I’m doing and I feel overwhelmed. The house is on a rampage and falling apart left and right, Emma wakes up almost every night crying…I can’t sleep anymore. I haven’t slept in days…Emma needs me to be there for her and all I can think of is how I’ve failed her. I wasn’t here for you guys and I wasn’t…I’m not.” He choked on a sob and closed his eyes tightly as tears escaped. “Aunt Lavinia is trying to get Emma; she’s convinced I’ll corrupt her after our last encounter. I know that it disappointed you, how I handled that situation. And now I can’t help but think this is punishment for being a bad son.”

He fell silent for a long moment and sat back, tipping his face skyward to stare up at the clouds. It was a rare sunny day in Berk and Jack couldn’t help but feel mocked. Usually the weather matched his darker moods but today it seemed determined to be bright and full of sunshine.

“I quit school for now, until I can get things settled with Emma and get her into a routine.” Jack continued after a moment. “I guess I can add that to the list of disappointments. I’ll have to find a job soon even though the money from your…it’s more than enough to live on for a while but I want to use it for Emma…in case she needs someone different.” Another ragged sigh came from him and he closed his mouth, lips thinning in disgust with himself, before his eyes turned back to the ground and the unresponsive headstones. “Gods, I need you now more than I ever have mum. I feel so lost right now, tired and stretched thin…”

The breeze ruffled his hair and Jack fell silent. He tried to keep himself pulled together, tried to stay strong. But he was so damn tired and alone. He shifted slightly to sit down properly and rested his forehead against his dirty knees, not caring about how he looked. He just needed to compose himself, he needed help and he didn’t know where to turn. Jack sighed again and after several moments lifted his head to look at the graves again.

“I’ll keep trying. Trying to take care of Emma and all that. I have to keep her on her path and all that…I won’t leave her alone. I’m all she’s got I know.” Jack mumbled. “I just…I don’t know how.”