#hap life

listen to me, this is so so important: you've gotta get used to really giving it your 60% as a default. like don't half-ass it necessarily but try not to go over 70% or so of an ass. you'll feel better and live a happier more fulfilled life, and on the rare occasions where you do need to lock the fuck in you'll be able to pull off bullshit that the sad miserable wretches giving it their 100% can never dream of, because they're busy draining themselves dry and you have energy reserves to spare.

today i am commit many unforgivable and henious crimes such as: asking cat to Please Move from her comfy spot (my stomach), not letting cat eat my doritos, etc. i am history's greatest monster.

man, food with a long cook time is such bullshit though. are you seriously expecting me, right now, to decide whether or not i will be hungry enough to eat food almost an hour in the future. Fuck Off.

could a touch-averse guy do this (flattens myself against a wall to avoid even incidentally brushing against another person so hard i become two-dimensional)

not to imply that i'm insecure about my height or anything but i think if a man above five and a half feet tall complains about being short i should legally be allowed to hit him in the knees with a sledgehammer

i am a horrible mean & cruel & nasty person who commits unforgivable crimes such as telling the cat she has food in her bowl already and not giving her more food even though she is looking so so cute and staring at me with such big eyes. how could i be so heartless.

my dad gifted me a rice cooker recently and it's like. this is a dangerous object to place in the hands of a man with poor impulse control and a great love of rice. previously my rice consumption was limited by the amount of time i was willing to stand over my saucepan making sure it didn't boil over or boil dry and burn the rice but now i can have rice at the touch of a button. i can be eating rice for twenty-four hours a day every single day. this is Too Much Power.