#hamidedays

"Time heals everything" is a statement I heard a lot growing up. Especially during our summer visits to my parents' hometown. The gatherings at my mom's mothers' house were filled with sorrow stories which all ended with some hope in the air despite the tragedy they held. The hope was that time would heal everything. They were mainly religious people who knew how to be thankful for what they had and saw the challenges they faced as a test of God and somehow a great learning was inscribed even though it may not have felt so at the time. I would be amazed by this wisdom, the ability not to rebel, to stay thankful and to look deeper within constantly to learn this inscribed lesson. I am not like them though. I don't believe in God, its magic plot, and i find many things meaningless. This belief that time heals everything is just a tool to help us survive. I don't think it does.

Time does something else though. It flows. It flows in multi layers. Time consists of many timelines for me. Timelines for people i care about, timeline for my being, timeline for work, timeline for education, timeline for X and Y. Each one of them flows until it breaks, stops, and sometimes it starts flowing again. The flow doesn't have to be a straight line, it could fluctuate, be in circular form, sometimes would feel like it flows in slow motion, it intersects with one another, joins and separates, some get stuck in a time frame and play in a loop. Timelines flow simultaneously but in their own rhythm and form. Our ability to construct, deal and live with all these timelines at the same time makes us happy or not or many other things. And what we call as time heals everything is actually directly related to what happens with these timelines. I think mostly what happens is we let other timelines dominate over the one that broke and stopped and left us broken. We keep ourselves busy with other timelines so that we don't think of the one that doesn't flow anymore. But i don't think it has to be like that all the time. For time to "heal everything", we don't necessarily have to block it over. And i think that is what we do with Hamide. My most important timeline has always been my mother, i think it is the case for Seyda as well. I was so worried since my childhood that something bad was gonna happen in that timeline so soon and so tragically. That was my biggest anxiety i think. Set deep in my everyday, sometimes would pop out triggered by an image, sound or a smell, i would feel worried, for no particular reason to an outsider. Considering all the scenarios i played in my head, her timeline stopped later than i thought with one of the expected scenarios but with a significant twist. Yet, it didn't stop because we didn't let it happen. Seyda has always been this head-on person. She knows to confront and deal with things, i get scared and avoid. So, she managed to trick my mom’s timeline to flow even after it stopped. And i joined her. My mom's timeline transformed into our studio's timeline. It is a timeline that is both the past, the present and the future at the same time. Everyday is filled with her memory, her design attitude and our dreams for the future. It is intense. It feels like a year in a day and a day like a year. Confusing and complex. Emotionally draining and empowering. Dark and light. Challenging and easy. Confrontational and peaceful. Flowing!

  I am notoriously known for being negative. I often believe in what people think of me and hate myself and look for ways to change unable to not really feel how to be not negative. I think maybe the problem is that i am not negative. For sure i am a worried person. I would first think of all the possible worse case scenarios before a positive one. But i think that is more related to my fear of failure. For a negative person, i think it is an impressive effort of staying positive in making a timeline that stopped flow again, especially at a time where many other timelines are simultaneously crashing. How much more positive one can be?