#hamayas

@hamayas Said: "I don't think you're any of the things you say you are."

Dealing with Self Loathing

Deep inhale through the nose.

Figures she'd choose words he couldn't refute. Free to call her opinions idiotic, but at the end of the day, he had no control over what anyone thought. A sense of conflict, just talking about this kind of thing was probably one of his dumbest ideas. She was the one who said she wanted to know bitter times, and sad times. That she wanted to hear how he thought. So he'd stepped off the ledge, and told her some of it.

And she's disagreeing with him.

All it left was an unusual anxiety in his chest. It was easier, safer to revert to an older mindset. To get angry, to yell. Give them a reason to hate you, then at least they hate you for who you are, not what you are. It didn't hurt as much, it was a lesson he'd learned earlier on in his life. A lesson only he was allowed to know. By now, Inuyasha felt every bit justified for hating a world that chose to hate him for no reason.

Every bit justified in hating--

Whatever.

But did words like these have to come from Kagome's voice?

"Keh. If you were gonna tell me I'm wrong, I'd have kept my mouth shut in the first place. Dontcha think I already feel enough like a whiny bastard for sayin' any of this at all?"

A sharp flick of the wrist. His way of indirectly telling her to leave

Did he want her to? No.

But these moments were better spent by himself. Doesn't even wait, Inuyasha took that initiative and was already walking down the river's edge, where they'd been standing. Silence in every step, ears partway folded and shoulders tense.

It was his lack of aggression that said more than anything he could have shouted.

"I got better shit to do with my time, Kagome. Go pick flowers or somethin'."

Kohaku was searching around for some jewel shards that might be nearby as he was still under Naraku’s control, he was wandering further before sensing a presence near where he was.

His heart rate increased as he moves into the nearby shrubbery, peering out a little as he spotted a black haired woman there. Why did she look familiar to him?

He tilts his head before the jewel shard in his back reacts, he gulped as he strains his energy to keep it down as he didn’t want to be noticed. He stays absolutely quiet, body trembling like a leaf.

That enough made him freeze. He knew she had different assortments of something, it's not like noodles alone had a scent. You had to season them. But it wasn't discovering those scents were different flavors of ramen cups.

...Nor the newfound discovery that it could come in different flavors. All that did was make his stomach growl in anticipation. There was something more important to her words than anything that could be likened to food.

❝ i told my mom how much you like these and she gave me a whole case of them with a ton of different flavors. You’ll have to tell me which one is your favorite so I can let her know for next time. Don’t forget, okay? ❞

"Eh...?"

Why had she told her mother about his favorite snacks? And even if that could be ignored, what compelled her to want to know things like that? And another thing, why was she acting like he hadn't just walked away with no regard for whether or not he was being followed?

Why did it make him anxious? Being afraid of your own friend?

Or maybe it was afraid of believing in a feeling. A fear of a different kind of unknown. An oxymoron. How badly he didn't want to be alone, how afraid he was of not being alone.

...He'd really been an asshole today, hadn't he? The walk up to her was silent. No more stomping his feet, Inuyasha was doing everything he could to keep his expression stoic, yet still... it held something more soft, all over again.

"...I'll do that. Thanks, Kagome."

No hesitation (or effort), the hanyō hoisted her bag over his shoulder, as though it weighed as much as a feather. Then, from by her side, to in front of her, as he crouched down. Back to his usual tone of voice, Inuyasha prepared himself for a run.

"Being this close to a water source is begging for somethin' to find ya. Ain't usually a good somethin', either. Get on my back,"

Looking over his shoulder, a familiar smirk revealing one of his fangs, golden eyes illuminated by the setting sun.

Sunset didn't shine as brightly as the afternoon, and yet, the muted golden rays still kept the world lit. Just differently.

"I'll find somewhere with some kinda cover, works both ways in case it rains, too." Now was when something more triumphant came to his voice, gaze focusing on the horizon. "We're eatin' like nobles tonight!"

If ramen cups really did come in different flavors, every single flavor that existed had to be tried at least once. Maaaaaybe twice, first impressions weren't everything when it came to food that wasn't too strong.

@hamayas & @maudlxne Said: Who have they outgrown — and do they mourn that?

𝐒𝐄𝐀𝐒𝐎𝐍𝐒 𝐎𝐅 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐒𝐎𝐔𝐋

"...Myself. I outgrew who I was, and no, I don't mourn it.

I was a pathetic little wimp, and for the longest time I actually believed the other kids would play with me someday. That bleeding heart of a brat is dead. He died a long time ago, and nothing'll ever bring him back.

There's no place in the world for who I was.

When that part of myself died, when I finally stopped crying myself to sleep every damn night, I got stronger. I learned what the fuck I was doing, Every time I was almost killed, I got stronger. I'm never gonna be what I was, why the hell would i mourn outgrowing that? I woulda grown up to be just as pathetic, and whiny. Feel bad for my mother, she suffered more than I ever did.

...She deserved better."

Mom was gentle. Loving me is the reason she's gone, and she could never love who her son became.

@hamayas Said: acanthus :   is your muse deceptive ,   or willing to lie or deceive to achieve certain means ?   why or why not ?

❥     𝐁𝐎𝐓𝐀𝐍𝐈𝐂𝐀𝐋 𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐃𝐂𝐀𝐍𝐎𝐍𝐒    [   𝚆𝙾𝚁𝙳 𝙿𝚁𝙾𝙼𝙿𝚃𝚂    ]

"As long as not talking about somethin' doesn't count as lying, no. Not anymore. What's it gonna do for anyone if you tell 'em a lie? Or for you? There's only one time I can think of I really lied to get what I want, and even that didn't work.

Long time ago now. Was the first time you rode on my back, Kagome. The only reason I told ya you could make your first shot was 'cause I was gonna drop ya as soon as ya made it. It wasn't real, I was lying."

...

"...And then you fucking missed.

But there ain't no point in lyin' about those things. You want somethin'? You take it. Ya don't mince words, 'cause you'll get it a lot faster with claws than words.

Havng nothin' to say ain't the same as deception. I make my opinions pretty damn clear."

“huh  —  ”  there’s  a  hint  of  unbridled  amusement  curling  at  the  corner  of  his  lips  as  he  hoists  her  body  further  in  against  the  cradle  of  his  chest.  keeping  her  aloft  &  steady  against  him  with  one  arm  as  they  plummet  in  a  controlled  descent  from  the  intersecting  railway  overhead.  “that’s  a  new  one  -  don’t  think  i’ve  ever  had  anyone  complain  about  seeing  everything  before.”    &  oh,  given  the  fact  that  his  comms  were  wide  open  &  that  everyone  currently  active  at  the  moment  could  hear  them  just  meant  he  was  never  going  to  be  able  to  live  this  down.   nightwing’s  heel  touches  home  &  in  one  fluid  movement,  he  uses  the  momentum  to  deposit @hamayas  back  onto  her  own  feet.  “thank  you  for  taking  nightwing-express.  please  feel  free  to  leave  a  review  on yelp  and  don’t  forget  to  mind  your  step.”  the  life-line  retracts  with  a  click  &  wing  lets  his  shoulders  roll  back  in  an  absent  motion  to  shake  off  the  strain.  “it’s  mostly  for  mobility  -  it’s  easier  to  move  in –”  which,  was  an  over  simplification  of  the  truth, but not a lie.   “ – but  your  complaint  has  been  duly  lodged.”  he  chuckles,  good-naturedly. 

“you  good  here?”