#habbib

So my aspiration this morning was to go on a run (had to pick up some rent money from the bank anyways, so I thought I might as well trot over there). So I put on my running attire, popped in my headphones, tuned to my favorite playlist, and instead of running, I kinda felt like dancing and acting like I was in a music video. For whatever reason. So I did just that. And it was fucking awesome. I literally danced my ass down two miles worth of street, extravagantly, arms waved in the air a few times, people on the sidewalk serenaded, eye contact maintained, and I had literally no hesitation about it. It was insane, hilarious, weird/weirdly liberating, and slightly uncomfortable at times. Half the people that saw me gave me strange looks, true, but the other half smiled, and I could NOT at all stop smiling myself. I felt/feel so wonderful. I probably looked like I was, though happily, suffering from something. But it felt so amazing. I couldn't muster a single ounce of regret if I tried. Oh, and since I'm already rambling about my day, big news for me: I am honestly starting to love myself. This whole experience helped me see that I'm starting to let go of my past, things I have held on to and let control me and my life for a little over a decade. I am no longer afraid. I am starting to forgive myself, worry less, and let myself be happy because of this. I am making room for the self-love that I preach about others needing. I am starting to tear up a bit. Man. This is too unreal. Though I will never forget this day, I need to type, write, draw it out. I want to be able to reflect back on this and revisit the reoccurring series of goosebumps, the electric energy that ran through me so thoroughly, and the smiles that made my cheeks pinch with the greatest bittersweet pain. I want to remember that surreal sense of warmth, contentment, and compassion that I have always felt, faintly, and deeply within myself, but have rarely been able to fish to the surface to express. I just love when I am too tired to push feelings away, and I feel, whatever it is I do, with my entire self. A lot of people never appreciate what a gift it is to be open enough and okay enough with yourself/others to feel things in their purest form. Feel them for what they really are, or deserve to be. It might be the sleep deprivation talking, but man, I am riding this wave for all it's worth. I am vowing to love every bit of myself and to never shame it, neglect it, or abuse it, EVER. AGAIN. I am awesome, I am beautiful, I am smart, and funny, I am thoughtful, I am capable of good things, and I am never letting fear stand in my way again.