#gypsy diary

I just feel like tumblr is finally the safest space where I can share my feelings, express everything I have welled up inside me, and hopefully get truly genuine, healthy, for real help, instead of illusion of help that leads to betrayal. If I type something that seems really intense...well, true it probably is, but at the same time, there is no cause for alarm. I just have what feels like an entire lifetime’s worth of STUFF that’s gotta come out now, after so long of never having anyone I could ever open up about these things to. I mean it’s A LOT. And worse yet, the few I did open up to eventually took advantage of me and used my strongest feelings against me so I have been taking eons just recovering from all that. But my point I’m trying to get to, is that it’s the best move to say nothing and just let it be, however my tags come across. Because all that’s really happening is I am verbally dumping out a lot of crud, that OLD toxic junk, moldy aged caked over crusty spack, real ancient unhealthy to breathe in kind of leftover traumas, so I can finally become clean inside of my weary soul. It is the best thing to be able to just say what you need to without once holding back, and not even having to think about how it’ll “look”, and that’s what I’m doing. It would...also be super to be worthwhile enough to be approached for support and even more friendships. Or to just have anybody take some time to pop in and send me an note, dm, ask, etc. It’s already been amazing so far, but I know this is only the beginning of my healing.

I still really wish I could just get lodging with someone, as I have not figured out how to get rid of mold/mildew from laundry (and despite how well I've protected everything from the weather, I still found a bad case of it growing right under a pillow I was using as a cushion! That is definitely NOT the thriving part), I have found some decent spots and times to sleep undisturbed, this one notwithstanding. And I have been able to get my disability check to live off of for the month without any issue! Phew! And I have some kfc meal coupons still useable for june, so that's super cool! Enjoyin a sammich...and of course, I've gotten plenty of time on the internet, which is a really great step up from when I went radio silent! Now I just need to figure out how to get important mail...I really don't want to have to go back to that one shelter place where there were smokers and crackheads and seriously unstable people where I had to fight just to get out alive and have my thing go smoothly. That was one of the things I was offline for, but...god damn was it scary. Literally couldn't breathe and there was an insano attacking another insano while I was practically nearby. I thought I was gonna get caught up in that insanity, and who knows what would have happened. There's a lot of things I have had to experience, or go through, that I really wish I didn't. It all feels wrong...but I still got out, and I am now here at what I can call a more peaceful time. PHEW

I won't be gone from the art world as a whole, though! If you wanna see some new pieces, I will be uploading it to another site, one that has been needing some attention for quite a while. If you can manage to make it over there, I would be super happy and grateful!

A little something for my birthday today. There was an unbelievable amount of terrors I got scarred by, and some of it is sadly still unresolved. But I have done what I can and still will not truly give up, no matter how much I vent and lament. I have gotten the closest thing to a chest binder I can afford and find, and I will not be spending my birthday homeless. All other days except this one. Here, pictured, is a snippet of peace in my life that I will treasure forever.

But no, not this time! I have legit found a nice place to be! Thanks to program runners at options, I have now secured a spot to just...be allowed to live, in a room with free wifi, TV, a bed, shower and complimentary food! I don't have to be expected to spend a single penny unless I want something that the motel doesn't have! It is fucking incredible! I have my homelessness and food AND special needs all fulfilled, and I can finally recouperate here for a good while! I will have to see how long exactly, but I do hope it's long enough! Wow! And I can now take the time to sort out all of my other business AND have time for legitimate fun! THANK. GOD. FOR. THIS.

My art I am still working on slowly, with limited art supplies too. But I did get some good inks, so I'm gonna upload. And I finally extracted the files I needed for the book finishing posts. Unless my mind is really going and I've already done? Might need to check. Disregard if I have.

But for as hard as these hit, it does seem like I have a way to finally make peace with it. Can block the people who have bad takes. Can stop giving money to brands that aren’t repaying me back. Although what’s been going on with nint has been much harder, and there’s so much more there to grieve. I may make a post sometime about what I mean, if anyone is interested to know. I have been a Nintendo gamer for a really long time, so I’ve got some good stories to tell, and I’d love to finally have an audience for that.

And gothfield weirdly inspired me to make my own gijinka version of him? He’s definitely still a guy though, and he is very carefully designed to mimic his canon style. It’s been fun to play around with Davis’ art style, and I think I’ve gotten pretty okay at it! Also tried my hand at drawing some gorefield, which is not a genre I usually like. Will try to upload what I’ve made when finished!