March 2
I feel like the dumbest girl. And I’m sitting here crying because some guy said we’d meet today and didn’t msg at all today. He was from the fb dating app, added him to snap awhile ago, and we have spoken on and off for bit. Always flirting, and he’d always joke about meeting, then take it back. His excuse the first time was that he’s always busy working. Fine I thought. I was starting to think maybe we’d have a lot in common and would get along. Maybe my first mistake was giving the whole thing high expectations. But he’s Cree, like me, same age, and same job field. His Cree name was almost the same as mine, which I joked about having Thunderbird babies.
Anyways, yesterday he says he wanted to meet, I said I didn’t believe him and he was bluffing. “No, serious this time. I’m free anytime after 5.” We had plans just to chill and go for coffee. But he never msged. I replied to his snap meme that said something about wanting attention, and I said “fucking same”, and all he said was “word lol”. Like, how lame. lol. I laughed it off, like I wasn’t bothered by any of it, cuz whatever, his loss. But got a random message from a stranger on that app I spoke about earlier, asking how my day was, and said I was supposed to meet someone and it didn’t happen. His response was, “aww, that must suck” or something, and I felt the hurt in my chest.
I think it’s just because I felt like I liked him, and was genuinely excited to meet this one. I’m trying not to internalize this rejection, but fuck. How could I not? Why couldn’t he just say he changed his mind?
Maybe it’s partly my fault. I should have been the bigger person to msg him, but fuck that. lol. I hate this. I wouldn’t even know how to talk to him anymore too. How dumb.
Anyways, about Alex. I hired a lawyer and paid the 1500 dollar retainer (thanks to my dad). I printed out all these forms I’m supposed to fill out. I don’t know how though. It tells me to put down all of my monthly expenses of bills, rent, food, necessities, toiletries, car, gas... like EVERYTHING. And another set of forms that tells me to list the price of everything he and I own, which the only thing valuable I own is my suv, and that isn’t even worth much. Besides the point. I just don’t know anything about anything. i don’t know if he has RRSPs or investments, how much all his shit is worth. This is honestly starting to feel like a bad idea. Maybe all I’ll ask for is to put shared custody on paper, instead of trying to get half of all the assets? Idk. Maybe I’m just being chicken.
I felt like this before. I didn’t want to do it. But the way it was explained to me, by my therapist, and the lawyer was, Alex and I had a life where our kid was living comfortably (at the lifestyle we gave him, k?) And when we separated, the kids are supposed to be still living that way, without much changing for him. But with Alex keeping his money, and me just getting by (or if I didn’t have my dad, we’d be below poverty), D would soon notice the difference. And as he kept getting older, the question they asked me was, “Who do you think he is going to choose to keep going to, if Disney dad can get him anything he asks for and mom is trying to figure out what to eat for supper?” Like, my dad wouldn’t ever let us starve, but I understood what they meant. Plus, his money was “ours” because me staying home, keeping up with the house, and taking care of the kids let him going out to work and making that money happen. If it wasn’t for me, he couldn’t do that, our pay a substantial amount having had to pay someone else do it. These explanations led me to agreeing to go through with it, and now I feel stuck, because I don’t know anyone to help me with this, and my lawyer would probably charge me the time to sit down with me and do it. So annoying.
Anyways, on a brighter, but still suckier note, I’m 2 and a half weeks from finishing school. I’m stuck with 2 major assignments, that I’m slacking off on, and about 6 assessments starting next week. Then, my practicum on the 21st. Wow. Maybe I’ll just delete all these guys that stress me out. lol. Even stupid guy that I said likes me, but does nothing. I almost made him come here the other night. Before me and thunderbird dude made plans. I told this guy to come over, cuz I was feeling lonely and said fuck it. What did he say? “I’m too stoned right now.” AND A, the guy I spent the weekend with like a month ago, I went and told him I missed him over the weekend, because I did and he made me feel comfortable. HIs basic response was “aweeee”. Hahaha, like wtf.? I swear I’m not ugly, I can hold a conversation, and I honestly feel like if I dated someone, they’d be lucky to have me. Sooooooo? But whatever. I’m over it. Guys suck.
