when?Ā itās not a question sheāll ask because itās a question she doesnāt believe in.Ā itās not going to get better;Ā it will only keep getting worse.Ā the only hope they have is that things will go back to the center eventually,Ā hanging in the imbalance between good and bad.Ā but it will never lean towards GOOD;Ā they surely couldnāt be that lucky.Ā even in a place like this,Ā alexandriaĀ -----Ā Ā where they all have shelter and food and water.Ā eventually that had to give too,Ā right?Ā Ā Ā abrahamās gone.Ā glennās gone.Ā Ā -----Ā Ā those words scream on a loop in her head,Ā and so desperately,Ā she wants to let them out.Ā she wants to remind spencer that without them,Ā itās not supposed to get better.Ā for someone who had worked so hard to be independent,Ā to find so many ways that she could take care of herself and wouldnāt have to rely on anyone else,Ā she sure hated this idea of loss,Ā the idea that the people she did rely on were now gone,Ā only to make her feel so LOST.Ā Ā
āĀ it wonāt.Ā it canāt.Ā āĀ not until she does something about itĀ ------Ā even if that means her own life is at risk,Ā too.Ā
spencer is good.Ā in her heart,Ā she knows that.Ā but in her mind,Ā she wants to tell him to leave her alone,Ā that the two of them are wasting their time even trying to be whatever they are.Ā he is good,Ā and her heart knows it,Ā but he canāt rid her of this devastating ache,Ā and for that,Ā she resents him for it.Ā itās unfair,Ā because itās not his responsibility to do soĀ -----Ā Ā and thatās what hurts her the most.Ā itās the SHE canāt take care of herself,Ā either.Ā she can only feel herself getting farther and farther away from the person she wanted to be.Ā
she doesnāt move as he reaches out.Ā she wants to,Ā wants to tell her body to shrug him offĀ Ā ------Ā but thatās not going to make her feel better.Ā Ā this soft touch,Ā this gentleness that spencer has in him,Ā thatās what she needs right now,Ā even if she wonāt admit it to him or herself.Ā Ā so instead of shrugging him off like her head tells her,Ā she remains still,Ā desperately waiting for this simple touch to warm her.Ā Ā she doesnāt give into it;Ā doesnāt return the gesture,Ā doesnāt give him any sort of sign that itās helpingĀ -----Ā but it just might.Ā
itās not until he speaks again that she makes a movement,Ā head finally tilting to look up at him as she lets out a scoff.Ā ā really? āĀ heās being sweet,Ā kind,Ā and maybe he even means it,Ā but she canāt accept it that easily.Ā Ā āĀ you think thatās what i want?Ā to let it all out on you like i aināt got nothinā to be pissed about? āĀ maybe sheĀ deservesĀ this pain,Ā thatās what she keeps telling herself.Ā Ā āĀ like hell you do.Ā youāve got no idea what i deserve and what i donāt.Ā and i donāt need you protectinā me.Ā Ā i can take care of myself.Ā āĀ yet maybe,Ā her actions contradict her words,Ā because sheās still desperately hoping he doesnāt move away his hand for fear that it will make her entire body feel cold and empty.Ā
Ā Ā Ā continued Ā ā± @gutspilt
