#guess who's back...back again...

Hi again, everyone. Yes, it's true, for almost an entire school year I've been gone. All the posts you had seen were simply queue'd by me. **My Message box also whacked up and cleared/deleted everything itself? I don't know why? Must have been meant for a fresh start.** I left tumblr to get a taste of the real world put in front of me. I simply spent more time off the internet than on it. I spent time doing things that I never thought I was capable of. And I liked it. Throughout the year I found that UMass was the right decision for me. Before college I thought I was a very quiet, very introverted, content young girl who only occasionally hung out with her friends. A girl who spent Friday evenings in her home watching TV and going online. Who refused to step even an inch out of her comfort zone. I thought I knew myself. I was wrong. UMass changed me. I am now more outgoing. I spend my Friday nights and weekends out with my wonderful college friends, exploring Western Mass and my campus. I lost a TON of weight and put on a TON of muscle. I took up long-distance walking and running. I tried new foods, met people unlike I've ever met before, tried things I never would've wanted to do last year. I am more independent mentally; I could happily take a bus to the mall by myself and go shopping. I am more mature; I am living in an adult world and enjoying it. I am more ambitious; I secured an incredibly important job next year in my major as a Student Ambassador. But my year was not all sunshine and rainbows; I too experienced a fair share of mental (and physical) wounds. Just as the world is a wonderful place to explore, it is also cruel, harsh and unforgiving. I also sustained multiple injuries; I got tendinitis in my right Achilles over the winter, and now get chronic shin splints. (My butt and legs look incredible otherwise though so that's not all bad.) I lost myself a little. I got a little too irrationally anxious and kind of went off a deep end. For a good part of my second semester I was so anxious and so irrational I'm honestly shocked I didn't lose it completely and have a more serious breakdown (although I had small mental breaks at least 3 times a month). I cried in front of people I never thought I could cry in front of; I reached out for advice, and also (foolishly) kept a lot inside. I had to learn to take care of my mental health without my parents, which was terrifying but worth it. Finally, I had a catharsis with a therapist I saw in college, who helped me realize that part of the reason I am anxious and overthink everything stems from a lot of childhood trauma I experienced before I was diagnosed with ADD/LD. Because of all of this I am beginning a process of healing this summer. I swept a lot under the rug throughout my life; this summer I am finally going to come to terms with the uglier things I've experienced. I need to move on. But as much as I am wounded I am no longer fragile. I have built up armor to help defend me against the harsh world for next year. I am no longer a doormat, a pushover, an overly-submissive/passive person. I won't tolerate being disrespected. I won't tolerate being used. I won't allow myself to become a victim of anything so easily. I'm not the same girl who was excitedly blogging about her first year of college in September. I have seen and been through too much happiness, too much hurt, to ever be her again. So here's to all that happened before, and all that will happen after. -C