Charlie Headcanons from the Slags Who Know Him Best
The Weasley Best Lay Rankings are hotly debated, but one thing all agree on is that Charlie makes top 3. Here’s why (rated D for dead dove):
Charlie don’t give a fuck
He’d try it out, sure why not?
He would sleep in the backyard for no reason -- “don’t feel like going inside”
Even if he were ten feet from a toilet
Dragon dung -- he doesn’t gross out easily
Remember that time he *Y4 SPOILER* and Tonks crashed your date with Barnaby (cuz who the fuck else would you take, that basic bitch Penny?) and watched you from inches away? He totally did that when his buds banged in the Gryffindor dorms...
...Cheering like an American frat boy.
Sloppy seconds? Charlie don’t care. He’ll take tenths.
Speaking of Tonks, they totes hooked up.
She don’t give a fuck, either.
She would morph into opposing Slytherin Quidditch players just to piss him off.
He’d do Fake Marcus Flint anyway.
Round Hogwarts he got the reputation as Muggle Retail. Retail is the thing every Muggle says you should do once in your life. Everyone did.
Keeps that big grin on his face the whole time.
Didju forget he was the star athlete of the jock house? Your stinging palm won’t.
Your ass will sting, too. Only if you ask for it. But think twice before you do--he doesn’t half-ass anything.
He would laugh hard at that and spill his beer, on you if he’s already drunk, but then he’ll lick it off you and offer to give you his shirt to wear, just so he can take it off and entice you with his twin-engine pecs.
Beware the Cheen. Charlie peen is like him - stocky and red-in-the-face. He knows it doesn’t fit well in every gal, so he’s gotten really good at diving.
He gets it all over his face, and when he gets older, in his beard.
And doesn’t wipe it off afterwards, but soaks in it like a fucking mountain man.
This was my first HC ever--and likely my last when everyone sees the morass in my mind.
Take it away, @kc-needs-coffee
