#growupkid

Here I am, at 1am in the morning. Restless as ever. My mind is racing. Light is racing, time is racing, my life seems to be racing... either towards me or away. I cant decided.

There is just so much I want to say. So much that I feel and just haven't been able to let out.

so many distractions. i am too distracted. scrambled eggs.

Have you ever gotten the urge to get up and go far away? Im sure its not a rare thought. However, not too many people follow through. but then theres the ones that do. forever changed. Baltimore is nice. its as nice as i make it anyway. interesting people can be found anywhere. some are lost and some, right where they need to be.

where should i be? how long should i be here? how is it that i can not leave when i want to. and right now i really want to. i have wanted to leave before. i believed i had the perfect room mate at the time to. i wanted the universe to push my stuff through the baggage claim because i felt so ready. 

i let that feeling slip through my hands.

right now i want to leave Baltimore again, not because of my age or what others are doing but because i just really would like room to breathe. i want a real shot at making a mistake. i always play is safe.

right now i want to sell my car. 

right now i want to sell my clothes.

right now i want to leave my job.

right now i wish i was in Colorado.

i would have a place to stay. a place to learn more about myself on my own.

i would only need to take my dog and essentially start over. i would tell a small group of people others would just have to find out later. id learn to struggle and be strong. 

...these wants all seem so childish. i still speak and think in a voice of a child. a sheltered, privileged child. it's depressing and fueling at the same time.