#growingupwithoutadad

daddy?

why dont you love me?

i hear you say it all the time, hear and there between landlines.but why arent you hear to show me? what is love dad?  why is it that you couldnt set the bar , so now the closest thing i have an understanding to knowing what love is at least having the time to place a call?

any man can do that so why not choose to try them all?

abusers, manipulators , controlers, violaters, rapist they can all make calls to, so how will i narrow it down to a few?

lets begin with abusers

15 years old trying to find love in the grass and mud stained in my pants from when he shoved me down , down beneath the dirt , scum of the ground now my new daily fragrance , if he keep this up youll be at the morgue trying to place some final arrangments

he calls it keeping me in place, but i mean its not to different from when youd try to rearrange mommys face , so i see it like this daddy you really set the bar, i remember beacuse i can see it in mommys scars

damn how i was really attracted to men like that , maybe because they were so similar to my dad. 

abusers, manipulators , controllers, violaters, rapist they can all make calls too, so how will i narrow it down to a few?

Manipulators and contollers one of the same, he use to claim if i didnt do this or that he would find some other boo thang. luckily enough I was way too tough and thanks to my mom i new he wasnt the place to look for love.

young black girl chasing after a fathers love in boys and in drugs

determined to fill the void even if it means i had to date the above

abusers, manipulators , controllers, violaters, rapist they can all make calls too, so how will i narrow it down to a few?

violators and rapist

sorry to say theres also a story for this but hey at least your hearing it now but its not like theres anything you can do to fix...it

seven years old trying to avoid the grasp of a family member, telling that fucker if they ever touched me i would pull a trigger. 

nights of crying out to the sky hoping he would shed some light to all these dark memories , cover up the images in my head who keep playing with me like we are strong enemies. 

oh god oh god if i make it tonight , someday ill share the story of how i had to fight, wont be a secret no more when im big and grown oh god oh god why wont they leave me alone,

there were days i just prayed to be laying in one of those mahogany casket , on my way to a father who didnt treat me just like some waste basket. 

there were stories of this father who loved us unconditionally, so i just wanted to have the capability of meeting this man who didnt just think of me as some utility, bill. some payment every month he didnt want to make bill, the kind of bill you pass and try to put under the good mail.

MALE figure , its never to late to reconsider , considering we are all sinners and we are all forgiven, let me introduce you to a real father who 

he instilled in me all these possibilities , and though my earthly father paid no mind to me , this father gave endlessly. 

to be continued...