#grievingkris

So this is my first time writing about the loss of my 19 year old son. My hopes are that I will come to terms with his death and begin the healing process. I am trying to find ways to cope in healthy ways and this is what I am trying now.

My son had sickle cell disease. For his 19 years of life he was pretty healthy. He may have been sick 10 times total in his life. Therefore to see him die so fast out of nowhere shook me to the core. Especially my faith.

My son was in his first semester of college. Things were going so well. I was to pick him up for Christmas break that Wednesday when that Monday morning his girlfriend called to say he was really sick. I spoke to him and asked him how bad was it. Was it like before in 2012 when u got sick.. which was his worst crisis. He said no, I am going to take my exam and call you later. Well after work, I got another call from his girlfriend, this time I can hear my son screaming….. Never in 19 years have I heard him screaming in pain. The school called the ambulance and my husband and I left Charlotte to drive 3 hours to the hospital in Raleigh. As soon as we got to the hospital my son was in so much pain. We kept telling the nurse, he has sickle cell disease. Please help him.. he was in the emergency room for hours.. with no real assistance for his condition. He had a medical card I kept telling them about so they can see his stats.. the nurses seemed uninterested. The delay in care- or should I say specific care I believe aided in his death. By the time the hospital Wake Med in Raleigh decided to take my son to a floor and put him in the room was over 24 hours without seeing a specific doctor for his condition. The amount of pain he was in they had to keep him sedated just to have him relax. The last day before he died, he started telling him girlfriend if he doesn’t make it she can keep his things. He told my husband he was sorry if he did not make him proud…😞😞😪 he was so strong and trying to be brave for us… God I just don’t understand why you took him. He was such a good kid. Never been in any trouble, like to draw, loved to snuggle under his mom and just watch TV/Movie together. I prayed and prayed for God to please heal my son… but he did not. We are approach two years since his death and it still feels like the first day he died… some days I just don’t think I am going to make it.

I have so many emotions I am dealing with. Anger being the first one. Anger that God let my son died, anger that people don’t even mention my sons name as if he never existed. Anger at those who child was healed (while happy for those parents, but why not My child. A parent burying their child is the hardest thing. You never get over it. People will say stupid stuff like- God don’t make mistakes (FYI- that is NOT what you tell grieving parents or anyone for that matter). I will put a list together of what not to say…. because people really want to give you the 🖕when say that in the time of grief.

While I am on that topic of what not to say- let’s go through that now…

1. My husband and I are still married and one of our grief counselors decided to tell us that 75% of marriages fall apart after a death of a child….. 1a- While I don’t have a PHD in psychology. It is important to understand that while someone is going through something traumatic, to give them a negative outlook is not wise… As a matter of fact to me it would seem as if the professional did not have a lot of experience dealing with people who is dealing with a traumatic situation. Instead you would want to advise the couple- everyone grieves differently. It is going to be important for both of you to allow each other the necessary space and or comfort to your ability to help each other through this difficult time. Tell them about group grief counseling.. that may offer some help. More importantly be understanding. If you don’t understand- change careers.

2. Don’t tell a person grieving things will get better with time… 2a. Says who…. why would you think the death of your child will get better with time? This is a life.. someone you cannot replace..

3. Don’t tell a person grieving at least you have the memories…. 3a. At this point my memories are of the way he died and the pain he was in… that does not help…

4. Do not assume because some time has passed that the person should be over it. 4a. It drives me insane when people say- it’s been over a year they are fine… BS… I say, you ever loss a child… if I had 19 years to love him, I’d will take me 19 more years to accept that loss 4b. If you see that person on social Media smiling, laughing, etc… just know they are good moments.. and I mean moments.. because within the same minute that person grieving can cry… and yes it is because they miss their child 4c- For the employers out there!!! Educate your leaders… this is a pet peeve of mine.. If your employees lose a child… please respect their grief… like for real.. if they don’t come into work all smiles … give them that space. Especially if they are doing their job. My husband is in a client facing role and he was harassed by his manager because he was not smiling.. are you serious…. Like it’s a death.. No company should have their employees feeling like the death of their child and because they are not smiling every now and then be an issue… I guess money is everything… Again, this is where common sense comes into play…some people are just not compassionate about anything unless it has to do with them. Another note about work- companies give time off for the birth of a child but only 3-5 days of for a death… That is so damn backwards…. Five days to grieve… what idiot wrote that and or made it the norm… I think I am going to start a new hashtag to extend bereavement leave#extendbereavementleave. There are parents who are really hurting trying to put the front on for work and crash throughout the day…