#greyaromanitc

Anyone else relate, other older greyromantics stories that have only had 1 crush, or validate that it's possible to never fully get over things like this?

Greyrose person here. I used to think I would maybe try sex if I ever found someone I actually wanted to do that with.

But with the influx of Actual Pornbots™ I've been getting, and me having to look at their videos even briefly to block them, now realize that that is Not happening, especially since I realize that the look of genitalia somewhat repulses me.

So I’m friends with this boy who I thought was cute in fifth grade but never had a crush on, and now one of our other friends said we should go out together, and it’s like. Idk even know what I feel about that. I don’t get butterflies around him. I don’t think about him being good looking. I don’t fantasize about spending time with him. He actively frustrates me sometimes, but there is that potential of attraction that i can feel. It’s weird. I don’t want to like him like that. I don’t want to have a boyfriend. I do *not* want to have him anywhere near my bed, and I don’t even want to hug him. Why is romantic attraction so complicated? Is it this complicated for everyone? What the fuck.

(and im demisexual i think because i have thought about that kind of stuff, but I'm also sex repulsed? i don't know. i thought i was ace but then i thought back to my old crush, which was this guy who i was pretty good friends with. i thought about *that* stuff with him and it wasn't gross or uncomfortable.)

anyway, i used to have a squish on this one dude and daydreamed about doing romantic things with him, but the squish is long gone and now i feel so- again- dissatisfied. i close my eyes and try to imagine myself with someone but i immediately reject my friends because they're hot, sure, but they're my friends and that's weird imo. then i realize i don't have anyone that i see being in a relationship with, or even cuddling and holding hands with comfortably. again i don't have a celebrity crush so i cant really daydream about anyone. so i just listen to music which kind of gets rid of the stress but that's besides the point. the point is, I'm grayromantic for sure, but I'm so tired of waiting, and it hasn't even been that long. i want to find my effing soulmate and it's not helping that i keep on reading cute gay fics. im sorry its an addiction at this point 😭

and listening to wholesome one direction songs which makes me cry, i cry too much

But when I think about how the only way I’m lgbtq+ is being greyromantic and that I might be wrong and was never Aro spec, I feel like a fraud.

right now for the most part i just ID as grayaroace. not in the "experiences attraction but very infrequently" way, but in the "experiences attraction but it's very mild" way. that's where i get tripped up. there's more to it than that

i both like the idea of participating in sex and hate it. i enjoy self-pleasure, reading erotica, and imagining fictional characters in sexual situations (though i don't like going into too much detail with it). sex sounds nice in theory, but awkward and terrifying in practice. the part that freaks me out the most is the idea of someone seeing me naked, especially my genitalia. i think it's mostly due to gender dysphoria-- i'm transmasc, which is important context for most (or all?) of this

i'm attracted to women, and when i say that i don't mean i get crushes (though i think i had one once?) or that i ever care enough to seek out sex with any one woman in particular. but i am definitely attracted to them in a way i am not attracted to men. when i try to imagine myself in a romantic or sexual situation, it's with a woman. i do find women hot, find their bodies arousing, but i don't really want sex. i do, but not really.

see how this is confusing? i both am and am not, i both do and don't. i'm so envious of people who can just be like "yeah i'm gay/bi/lesbian/ace". i wish it was that easy. i wish my orientation fit into a neat box

i often go down tumblr rabbit holes of aspec posts and they only ever make me more confused. every time i'm reminded that allo people can also be sex repulsed i start to spiral, thinking maybe THAT'S what i really am, and my hesitation to have sex is because of my dysphoria. i have a below average libido too, which makes it harder to tell. it makes a lot of sense to me, but i don't know how to know for sure. i'm getting sick of labels because they've been so annoying to try to navigate. every time i think i've got it, the rug gets pulled out from under me again

if there is one label that i find myself relating to a lot it's stone butch. i'm pretty sure it's exclusively a lesbian term because that's the only context i ever hear butch in, and because i don't identify as a woman or woman adjacent i don't ID as a lesbian or feel comfortable using their terms. but the idea behind stone butch fits me very well. i only like the idea of giving in a sexual situation. i feel drawn to the idea of hand stuff and giving oral, but despise the idea of being on the receiving end of either. i don't want to be penetrated, but would gladly penetrate a partner if we had a strap. this definitely ties back to my gender dysphoria. it has me wondering, is there a transmasc version of stone butch? i've never seen anyone talk about anything like what i feel. all the transmascs i see online are mlm

it also makes me feel pretty insecure in queer spaces that, despite being queer in multiple ways (aspec + trans) i'm quite vanilla and almost hetero with my sexual interest. so on top of everything else i feel like a fake queer person. i feel alone

i don't know how to end this but if you got this far thank you for reading, and thank you to the person who runs this blog for providing a space for me to vent