It took place when they shyly crossed the thin line thatseparates friendship and attraction, when they reached for each other and avalidation of something they hoped and had seen coming. Has it been that long already?
It started with him walking the younger back home aftertheir nth date, bodies that slightly shivering with the chilly breeze of autumnto blame. What was the movie they sawagain?
It started with a continuous utterance of ‘good night’s,hesitancy to step inside for Kyungsoo and reluctance to go back home for him,unconcealed desire and a nervous out-of-habit lip biting.
It started with a flash of determination in the younger’seyes, one step forward and standing on his tiptoes. Closed eyes andheart-shaped lips that pressed softly against his own, brief, too brief for hisliking.
It started with a heart that skipped a beat, a cautious tugon Kyungsoo’s sleeve and ‘Once again,’that rolled from Yifan’s lips. He leaned down so the younger didn’t have tocrane his neck so much and he was contented when their lips met again. Kyungsoo’slips were slightly chapped, and so were his. But they were warm and never did Yifandesire so much for something or someonebefore.
And it started with him forgetting where Kyungsoo’s skin endsand his begin. He tangled his fingers to Kyungsoo’s hair, tugged his hair inhis grasp as he angled their heads so he can kiss Kyungsoo deeper and he wrappedhis other hand to bring Kyungsoo flush against his body. Closer, closer; he wanted more.
And he kissed him with so much urgency and need. The noises Kyungsoo made were music and encouragement for him as he slipped his tongue into the hotness of Kyungsoo’s mouth without much resistance from he younger male. He noticed the way Kyungsoo’s hands clutched to his arms, clinging to him and pulling himself closer to Yifan. Yifan tugged on the strands of hair in his grasp, tearing Kyungsoo away from him and he trailed his mouth down, peppered open mouthed kisses on his jawline to his neck. The guttural groan that escaped Kyungsoo’s mouth ignites fire in his stomach and oh, what will he do to make him hear more of those lovely sounds.
Yifan grazed his teeth on Kyungsoo’s open neck skin and dragging them slowly as he closed his eyes, loving the way Kyungsoo’s body react to him and the small gasps that came from those bruised from kiss plump lips. He could hear the heartbeats of Kyungsoo, loud and frantic like his other preys, thumpthumpthumpthumpthump. Odd, he didn’t smell fear, he thought that day. Yifan sucked on the area under Kyungsoo’s neck, slowly adding pressure on the area he placed his teeth at and he thought again, ‘why should he hurry?’ until he heard Kyungsoo moaned his name.Â
His body went rigid and he pulled away with a heart that raced in fear, eyes blinking fast in panic, willing his kakugan to disappear, ‘please go away please pleaseplease–’. He was lucky Kyungsoo had closed his eyes, with his cheeks rosy and ragged breaths or he would be in a deep trouble.
And it ended with a hasty retreat, sheepish strings of apology, goodnight and a promise of ‘I’ll text you later!’. It ended with an internal wince when he noticed the state of Kyungsoo all thanks to his lack of self-control and he tried not to stare at the small bump on the other’s lower body.
And it ended with him hating himself, doubting himself and, should he run away, should he distance himself now, should he should he should he? But Yifan was greedy and selfish (he still is). He wanted and he will pursue. In the end he still wanted and so, he texted Kyungsoo. In the end he still wanted and so, he continued seeing the younger male. In the end he wanted and so, he got what he want.
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Sometimes Yifan finds himself staring at the mirror in a quiet morning when he woke up before the sun itself. He stares at his own hands wondering, thinking and sometimes, engaging in a monologue inside his head. ‘Look at the lives I had forcefully taken. Do I regret it?’ and the answer of the question is no, no he don’t. He finds it hard to feel remorseful for his act of killing even when he watched a child crying for their mother’s death once, whose death wasn’t caused by him but another ghoul and it made him think about the victims of his.
One of many people he killed was a husband, was a father and was a son of someone. He had caused grief for a family for each death he’s responsible for and yet, he still feels unable to sympathize with them.
Because that’s just how the world is.
It’s just how it is.
It’s not like he couldn’t feel at all. He knows how loss feels like. He caused the death of someone important to him and he regrets it to this day. But does he regret it for being the cause of their deaths? No, he doesn’t. He can’t... find the regret for it in his heart.
He just can’t.
But he stopped his act as the ‘Goldilocks’ anyway. It doesn’t feel right, it doesn’t feel proper. Was it worth it?
Sometimes Yifan finds himself staring at the mirror in a quiet morning when he woke up before his lover did. He stares at his own reflection, wondering, thinking and sometimes, engaging in a monologue inside his head. ‘Hello Mr. Killer, did you sleep okay last night?’ and the answer of the question is yes, yes he did.
Then he’ll take a glance at the sleeping form of his boyfriend, leaning his shoulder on the bathroom’s door frame as if he’s memorizing everything he’s allowed to take. Sometimes he will walk back to the bed only to stop and sit on the floor beside of it and watching the even rise and fall of Kyungsoo’s chest.Â
On rare occasions he will ran his fingers through Kyungsoo’s locks of black hair, noting and liking how soft it is. There will be moments where he will feel the need to slip back to the bed and just hug Kyungsoo’s smaller body frame from behind to bury his face to the crook of Kyungsoo’s neck. The scent of the younger male always calms him down, makes him feel safe and secure like the threads that binds him to reality. His presence and scent helps him remember that he’s here, they’re here and it’s real.Â
Yifan loves how his boyfriend smells like. Slight musk and hints of warm spices and Kyungsoo, and Kyungsoo, and Kyungsoo. It makes him want to hug and cuddle him all day long, to tease the younger with sweet words that often turned into something naughty or bordering dirty, just to see the flustered expression on his face. It makes him wish to sink his teeth to the pulsing vein, tasting the warmth of a living being before tearing the warm flesh with his teeth, relishing the taste of hot blood on his mouth as he tears and chew and eat an--
And that’s when he snap back from his daze.Â
He makes a hasty retreat to the bathroom, distancing himself from Kyungsoo as soon as possible before he do anything he will regret forever. ‘Hello, monster.’ greets the same voice inside his head, pleasant and friendly. Harmless. ‘Back to reality so soon?’Â
Ah, how could he forget? He asks himself as he stares at a pair of red pupils and pitch black scleras. The truth is always bitter no matter how many times he tasted it. Yifan closes his eyes, hoping it will revert back to black iris and not red and he slowly slumps onto the bathroom’s floor, hugging his knees to his chest. Â
"Would it be too naive of me to think we're going to be okay?" He muses out loud a barely audible whisper.
Am I worthy for this? To be his? To call him mine?
