#grasswording

i was able to sleep yesterday, i hope this continues

6.10

im scared. sleep is well but im scared. im scared to do anything.

new medicine started not working

im very tried and sad

i wanna kms

but i cant because my gramma cant do funeral for me

new medicine is working perfectly fine... i wish the doctor gave this to me at the beginning. the torture ive been through was devastating. i feel much confident with myself now. like walking, sitting, basic human needs.

when i find myself being anxious of future, i tell myself , i was born here and im just living along because of it. i also say, after this dinner i get to rest and thats all that matters

im still thinking... or rather my anxiety needing confirmation of this country movement. but like. i cant live alone anymore, i cant settle to group housing, im not allowed to live with grandma... then... only option is i have to go. this is not my decision, it is my reality

2026.5.11

thanks to my tr gramma her encouragements help me calm alot. she tells me to stop thinking so much and i feel some relief. i got my passport

2026.5.12

waking up too early to find msg from my father asking wether i can purchase ticket myself. i paniced and told him sure i can but is there a reason i shiuld and im scared and everything. then he said hell purchase himself and im... kinda relieved

my nervous system... am i always anxious or is it because of my heart palpitations... my pulse is close to 100. rn im walking ... i cant get used to it.. i hate it. but then i havent been able to feel relieved when i think all is well when dead. its weird how my whole life death was something i needed and this few months i was scared of the idea. today while walking i finally felt death as my friend. i think thats a good improvement.

5.13

its ok to die its better to die its better to die by illness its ok to die its ok to die its ok to die everything will end when death arrives

5.14

i wish i wasnt mixed race, i wrote to my friend. everything i feel is too sad. but i know my brother is with my gramma and i have another gramma at the other side of the world... life is difficult...

i have insomnia and heart rate wont stop and i dnno what to do about it.... if this is going to be a death of me then so be it, i can finally rest... im seeing doctors but they cant do anything anymore with their medications so im doomed

2026.5.2

i started using risperidon. not sure if its working on me but at least i get to sleep during the day and im not so worried of night sleep...i feel much calmer about moving countries now than i felt so bad about it at the beginning... im having midlife crisis everytime i have to face reality like, simply having shower or eating :/ i dont want to remember i have to do them :(

2026.5.4

my bro and his waifu visited us and thru us bbq party and cakes. we talked many things. but what was most interesting was me realising i want to go to their house. this proves my urge that what i yearn the most is to have a proper house...

2026.5.9

my gramma ended up not coming to visit a summer vacay. im relieved tho.. it wuldve been such a hustle to handle moving and handling grammas during the move. its very bad of me for thinking like this i know... i was very sad about it ofcourse and i had to talk with other gramma for nearly two hours to have myself calm.

speaking of calm im doing some eft tapping and silent scream breathing. i instantly start to yawn so it must be nice however i wonder if its ok to do it alot like everytime my chest pain appears which is 24/7

gosh the new wha book is angst..!! its the last thing i need... my dear friend uplifted me from being sad, i appreciate so much... so glad i was able to talk with them... now what do i do with this book :/ well, its just that its bad timing now come to think of... im not doing well otherwise its a nice olufrey angst

im too weak really.. i feel like fever is going up so tomorrow probably its better i stay at home... i gtta survive the 28th

...ah...ive been anxious whole day and i feel better now that is 16:30. i wonder what is affecting me like this... it is very annoying. i just want a one peaceful day...

4.24

im resting today but with full anxiety. my chest is in pain.. when will this end..? :( is it going to be carried on when i change countries..? help me, please im grasping for air , help me. i checked i didnt have any fever. what is this then.. theres nothing going wrong. im fine except for this anxiety

i took a lil nap and i got abit of pain relief

4.25

im better since 14:00. i wish i was like this whole day but like whenever i wake up i have anxiety :/

4.26

ahhh anxietyyyyyyy... what am i anxious about :/ everything ofcourse :/ i dont want to move. i dont want to stay. i dont want to exist

i walked today but walking didnt work to my anxiety :(

4.28

i cant believe how dirty i used this flat. after the company left the empty flat showed so much scars. im very sad that ill have to pay repair fee. i told this to father and he said we'll find a way😭😭

i finally feel like lexulti is fading away. legs significantly less restless, i can have afternoon naps, and can sleep whole night although i still cant feel the sleepiness :/ i keep my eyes closed and hope i fall asleep. thankfully i get to sleep

i started walking for an hour. i dont like it at all :( and its going to be summer soon, i dont think i can keep walking in the heat

today we went to get passport for gramma... my legs are less restless. my appetite is small. i need to write aomething because im anxious. as alwyas , just anxious about everything. on thursday tho, new witch hat atelier book is gnna be purchasable so im gnna be able to go to bookshop. a book could help me.

especially this new volume, its going to be about young times of olufrey. and olufrey is the only thing im interested in wha. unfortunate that wha's protagonist is another character. every new book when it isnt focused on olufrey im disappointed. i know its not an olufrey story to begin with i know.. but still...

its also my bad habit i dont read alot. if i want something like olufrey and story is olufrey focused then i should go read queer focused books. im such a disaster :/

time is passing... maybe on thursday the new book culd ease my pain... my pain on being anxious of my current status. thats a little hope to have.

ive been damning the universe that time wuld just not stop when i find myself in content situations, or time wont just pass faster so that on 28 i can clear out my flat. but now that new wha book is so close im more at ease

im tired of everything thats going on with me right now. maybe thats why im feeling hopeful for moving countries. everything for society being so tiny, communications, living space, expected appearance, being all so tiny is making me grasp for air and it keeps me under desperation. i need to get out of here.

typing is very nice. it makes me feel some ease.i dont think i could do this traditionally. recently ive been drawing some olufrey, but i really cant get myself to continue drawing more than 30mins. it starts to feel dreadful. i certainly do not know why im drawing really... i dont think i should just because i can :/ my outputting energy is not working well. all i want is to consume and get lost within it. aside of typing that is... the thing about typing is that theres sometimes i have lots to type and other times i dont :/

wait.. should i like start writing fics with my terrible english??? heeeh as if my drawing isnt terrible. if typing is therapeutic then it seems like the only answer to it.

i sold my drawing notebook. i cant art digitally anymore. its not like i was producing good digitals anyway... maybe drawing was never my thing. i was just hiding in it. and it never turned out alright because i was never really into it. duh, my depression too deep i have never been into anything ever