#grapeflop$

however, you knew they talked to bakugo too, so you remained cautious and never overshared--especially to kirishima. he was bakugo's right hand, his best friend since u.a.

there was no way you were going to show any semblance of missing bakugo, not around him.

once you found your own place, you'd distanced yourself from them, avoiding overstaying your welcome.

after they helped you move into your apartment and yet again reminded you, "if you need anything, we're here! really, anything at all!" you settled into your new space, suddenly feeling so alone.

for the first time in what felt like eternity, there was pure silence.

and then there wasn't.

the loudness, the static in your mind overpowered everything, several emotions washing over you like tidal waves. each wave was bigger than the last, merciless as it dragged you under, filling your nose and lungs with doubt, regret, sadness, anger.

"fuck," you whispered, pulling a pillow to your chest, "fuck."

you sobbed into the pillow, draining yourself of every ounce of strength and independence you thought you had.

you and bakugo had been together for three years--three years that you spent falling asleep, knowing you'd wake up to his face in the morning, three years of cooking meals large enough for two people, three years of habitually closing the shower curtain after your shower because it irked him when it was left open, three years of keeping the sodas on the left side of the fridge and water on the right.

three years. how can you unlearn three years worth of habits? let go of three years worth of comfort?

i can't do this, i can't. i can't be alone.

your subconscious was destroying you, and you hated that you felt like it was right. how could you survive alone?

your chest tightened, and the room spun and spun as the oxygen left your lungs too quick, overworking your circulatory and respiratory system.

"i need him-" you choked out, grasping desperately at nothing, nothing that could help you ground yourself.

a wave of dread rolled through you, sending your body into complete and total panic. just as you moved to stand, to grab your phone and call whoever, you felt a sense of airiness before your body tapped out, sending you straight back down to the floor.

-

"yeah, they're okay." a pause, "no, i just found them like this. i didn't know what else to do."

you groaned quietly, slowly blinking your eyes open to a stark, off-white ceiling. the blinding light made you regret it immediately, not to mention the pounding headache, swollen eyes, and nasty-feeling skin.

"y/n? you awake?" you recognized mina's voice from right beside you.

"yeah, god," you mumbled, hesitantly cracking an eye open, "hospital?"

"yeah. sorry, i just.." she trailed off, looking down at her shoes, "i found a pair of shoes you left at my place and wanted to give them back. then i found you just.. out cold."

you scrunched your eyes as you tried to remember anything before the onyx pit you were dropped into but thinking just hurt your head more.

"kirishima's on his way. he's super worried, you know." she chuckled, grabbing your hand, "he hates hospitals."

you squeezed her hand, finally managing to open your eyes fully, "me too. they stink."

she laughed, scooting her chair closer to your bed, "do you remember what happened?"

you tried to concentrate, pondering what you were doing. obviously, you had just moved in and..

"oh." you sighed, suddenly feeling stupid. of course, you'd been crying like the damn baby katsuki said you were, "i think i was just anxious. you know, new place and all."

"you could've stayed living with me, you know. i don't mind your company at all."

you shook your head, "i have to," your voice cracked a little, but you hid it with a cough, "i have to move past this. get on with my life."

"but there's no rush, y/n, you know--"

"where are they?" your body stiffened at the voice echoing off the linoleum and into your ears, triggering the code red alarm inside your head.

suddenly, the door slammed open and in walked a terrified looking katsuki and a guilty kirishima.

you scooted yourself back into the plastic barrier of the bed, clenching the bars, "what the hell is he doing here?"

"y/n, are you okay? what happened?" katsuki approached the bed, inspecting you for any injuries.

"get the hell away from me!" you winced at the pull on the iv in your arm as you moved impossibly farther away from him.

the heart monitor beside you was picking up, your blood pressure climbing higher and higher the closer he got.

mina stepped between the two of you before he could say anything, "kiri, what the hell? why would you bring him?"

"you were on speaker in my car when you told me, and we were together!" he explained frantically, "he didn't listen to me."

she shook her head, pushing katsuki towards the door, "you shouldn't be here. they don't wanna see you."

he looked past her, pleading at you with his eyes, "please, y/n, i'm so sorry, okay? i need you, okay? i need you, and i need to know that you're okay."

"y/n?" mina looked back at you, silently asking what she should do.

"i don't want to see him." you looked away, unable to look in his eyes for fear of falling victim to their lure.

without hesitation, mina ushered him to the exit despite his protests, almost getting him completely out when there was a thud on the linoleum.

katsuki was on his knees, his arm outstretched above his head as he clutched something in his fist.

for a moment, you expected him to set off an explosion or anything of the crazy sort.

you flinched as he opened his fist, fully expecting to be blown to bits.

instead, the fluorescent lights bounced off the shine of what you were 101% sure was an engagement band.

the other two in the room gasped, kirishima releasing his quirk that had instinctively taken over the front of his body.

"i was gonna ask you," he choked out, "before i quit the agency. but then everything went south and, and i--i just, i lost sight, y/n, and i'm so sorry. i'll be better, i swear it."

your hand covered your mouth, though you were speechless anyways. instinctively, you felt anger. how could he do this to you? here? now? after you'd wound up in the hospital because of him?

"how dare you," you spat, tears welling up in your eyes, "how dare you do this to me? do you enjoy hurting me, huh? tearing me apart just to build me back up again? do you get off on that--that glory?"

he was crying too, his eyes pleading, "i don't wanna hurt you. i'll go to therapy, i'll change, i swear. whatever you want me to do, i'll do it right now."

you swallowed hard around the ball in your throat, "leave. leave me alone and stay the hell out of my life."

hospital staff came flooding into the room before katsuki could respond, ushering the three of them out, "i'm sorry, this hospital has low tolerance for commotion like this. security will see you out."

you had never been more grateful that you were in a hospital, relief flooding your body as you turned onto your side, letting the tears run down your cheeks.

it wasn't fair. he knocked you about a hundred tiny steps back, considering you'd only taken a hundred tiny steps in the past month. your heart was throbbing, and a large part of you couldn't help but question your decision.

what if he really would change, get better? he was the love of your life. no one had ever loved you better.

extremely stressed, you found yourself questioning whether you'd made the right decision.

wow, i was super surprised by the amount of support. it was meant to be a standalone, but now i’m pretty sure there will be a 3rd part. thank you so much for the support! 🩷

yet, all you did was think about it—in the best, healthiest way.

you set aside your pride and fears and confided not only in your friends, but in a therapist. you had sessions weekly, and every time you walked out of the office, you felt a little lighter.

for the first time, you understood that it was okay to still love katsuki, to still want to be with him. in fact, they initially expressed how they wished the two of you had tried couples therapy before everything went south.

that was another what if that hurt.

you were always the more rational, levelheaded one. why hadn’t you thought of it, encouraged it? would it have made a difference? those thoughts kept you awake at night, haunting your mind and mocking you with images of a perfect life with katsuki. the life you could've had.

those thoughts were bumps in your path to recovery. it was only through those thoughts, however, that you learned that the road wasn't linear. you had amazing days when you felt strong and independent, days when you'd feel like you were in a colgate commercial. other days, you wanted to set your apartment on fire and disappear. you wanted to scream until your voice was gone, vocal chords torn to shreds. some days, you just wanted everything to stop.

through the good and the bad, you were able to persevere through the challenging navigation of a breakup. still, you granted yourself permission to still love him. to be in love with him. that love would never just vanish, you'd realized a few months into your journey. it dulled, flickered, and faded, but never vanished.

-

you'd found that implementing a routine in your daily life had greatly improved your overall mental health.

this morning, you turned on the news as you made yourself breakfast--a meal you forced yourself to consume, no matter how little it was.

as you grabbed what you needed from the cupboards, a name in the news had you pausing everything.

"...following his spontaneous philanthropic streak, former hero dynamight announces that he will be hosting a tell-all session at our local library. there, he intends to, quote, 'make amends with those i might have hurt with my words, actions, or lack thereof...' well, you heard it here. don't miss a valiant display of heroic vulnerability today at noon. in other news..."

you gaped at the tv, the glass bowl slipping from your suddenly clammy fingers.

philanthropic streak? where had you been?

the sound of the glass breaking reached your ears a whole minute after it hit the ground, snapping you out of your dumbfounded stupor.

"shit," you cursed, crouching down to pick up the pieces.

no, don't even think about it.

you looked at the clock, reading 8 as the time. plenty of time for you to get dressed and go.

no.

you could easily make it in time and sit in the back, just to see him and hear what he had to say.

no.

you'd wear something inconspicuous and hide in the back, just being silent. and then you'd leave, after ten minutes.

no.

every no carried a little bit of yes at the end of it, forcefully dragging you out of the kitchen and into the bathroom for a shower. it was closure, you argued to yourself, closure that you desperately needed.

it's going to be excuses, nothing but lies.

dark clothes are the best choice, you decided, anxiously changing into something you deemed inconspicuous. just ten minutes, it was all you needed.

don't throw all your progress away for ten minutes.

you stared at the mirror, trying to find a single good reason to stay home. yet, every thought in your mind convinced you that this, this is what you needed. you needed to hear him express his regret, his remorse to other people. people who once trusted and supported him in his endeavors, only to be woefully let down by his bouts of anger.

this will just make you hurt more. don't do this.

you discarded every invasive voice in the back of your brain and found yourself at the library come noon, hidden behind a bookshelf. you browsed the shelves with unseeing eyes, thoughts drowned out by the low murmur of the large crowd seated in front of the small stage in the center.

the library was home to many plays around the city, which you found ironic. would this be another display of dramatism and lies?

just as you found a book with a flattering cover, the mic whined with a little feedback.

"sorry about that."

you knew the voice, but the genuineness was foreign to you. you peeked over the row of books, your blood running cold as you saw katsuki sitting meekly on a chair on the stage.

"hello, everyone. i'm, uh, i'm bakugo katsuki, but most of you might know me as dynamight," he began, scanning the crowd, "a lot of you might not be fond of me based, um, based on my time as a hero."

many voices mumbled in agreement at that, which made him laugh, just the slightest. it made your chest swell with pride he didn't deserve.

"and i really don't blame you. i carried a lot of my immaturity from high school into adulthood. my biggest problem was that i saw heroism as a means to an end, a," he motioned with his hands, trying to find the words, "a stepping stone to being 'the best'--whatever that means. and i got lost in my obsession with my image."

you listened intently, at least half sure that you were listening to a complete stranger talk. the katsuki you knew had nowhere near this much humility.

"with that being said, my first apology goes to you, the people of this beloved city. you deserved someone who had your best interest at heart, and i'm sorry that couldn't be me. but, rest assured, i am very familiar with the current top ten and can say with confidence that they are the heroes you deserve."

you found yourself tearing up at his words, so awestruck by the complete 360 in his persona.

the crowd cheered at his words, as pleasantly surprised with his chanage as you were.

"thank you," he chuckled when the crowd quieted down, "next, i'd like to apologize to my friends and family. they definitely got some of the worst of it. for years, they suggested therapy for the anger that i just couldn't seem to control. and for years, brushed them off, over and over again. i insisted that my anger was fuel for my quirk, when in reality, it was detrimental. dangerous. so, mom, dad, all my friends, i'm sorry it took me so long to take your advice. thank you for standing by me."

you werent sure if the session was being broadcasted, but you sure hope it was. kirishima, mina, sero, and denki deserved to hear it. more than that, you were shocked to discover that he'd also been in therapy. so he really meant it..

another round of applause.

"last, and most important," he sucked in a sharp breath, "i'd like to apologize to the love of my life."

you stilled, as if a bucket of cold water had been poured over your head. no, no way.

"i spent three amazing years with the only person i could ever see myself loving. they were the most patient, the most kind person you could ever imagine. they stood by me during every slandering headline, every angry episode, every single ugly moment. they were there."

you covered your mouth and crouched down to the floor, squeezing you eyes shut. no, hell no, you refused to cry.

he exhaled shakily, rubbing a sweaty palm against his jeans, "they were devoted to me, to us. i'd be nothing without their impact on my life, and i've done the worst job at showing it. i," he stammered, scrunching his eyebrows together, "i ruined what we had, and i've never regret anything more. i know all the philanthropy and therapy and apologies in the world can never take back my insensitivity, but i will never stop being sorry, and i swear i'll grow every day."

you had to clamp your hand harder over your mouth to prevent any sniffles or sobs from escaping and alerting everyone to your presence. his words were so genuine, so wholehearted that you knew he truly had changed.

"i'll love them forever, regardless of if they hate me. with that love, i'll destroy any semblance of the douchebag-asshole-monster i used to be." he smiled out to the crowd as a final goodbye, "thank you, everyone. you don't owe me your forgiveness, but i hope you'll consider forgiving me one day."

people clapped, whistled, cheered for him as he turned off the mic.

meanwhile, your heart was racing. you didn't have a single coherent thought in your mind other than the fact that he loved you. he loves you.

he wasn't begging or crying this time, his acts weren't out of desperation. he was completely and totally vulnerable in front of a group of people that he didn't even know included you.

as people flooded out of the library, you shakily pushed yourself to your feet. what now? how could you possibly be expected to walk all the way to your car and drive home in this state of mind?

with a quick breathing technique your therapist taught you, you calmed down enough to get your hands to stop trembling.

katsuki had started helping the security guards pick up and stack the chairs, making small talk with them as they cleaned up the area.

you wiped at your cheeks, hoping they weren't too blotchy. with a quiet breath, you silently crept away from behind the bookshelf and toward the exit.

unfortunately, your far-from ninja-like skills couldn't get past the years of hero instincts engraved in every muscle fiber of katsuki's body.

"y/n?"

you froze, shoulders tensing as you slowly turned around.

"hey, bakugo," you cleared your throat, averting your eyes, "that was, uh, that was nice of you. good job."

there was something undetectable in his face, something you couldn't put your finger on, "oh, thanks, i-" he stepped closer, but stopped when he sensed your hesitance, "i didn't expect to see you here."

"i didn't expect to be here." you said honestly, fidgeting with your fingers, "but i should, uh, probably get going."

he opened and shut his mouth a few times before he sighed and nodded, "okay. but i really meant it, you know? everything i said."

fuck, you were going to cry again. you didn't want to, not in front of him.

"i know." you nodded, "i don't.. hate you, you know? we both had issues that we chose to resolve separately."

"i just wish," he sighed, looking for the words, "i wish that was't the case."

you couldn't hold in your tears anymore, a few cascading down your cheek, but you quickly wiped them away.

"i know." you swallowed hard, trying to prevent your voice from doing that embarrassing, high-pitched crack, "i do too."

he opened his arms, offering a hug and you just couldn't say no. the space was so perfectly carved for you.

you hugged him tight, burying your face into his shoulder.

"i'm so sorry, y/n. i'm sorry for everything." he whispered into your hair, his voice wet with tears, "i never deserved you."

you just cried harder, knuckles white as you gripped onto the back of his shirt. you wanted to speak, to reassure him that it wasn't completely his fault, but you couldn't pause for a breath long enough to say a single word.

instead, the two of you dropped to the ground, arms wrapped around each other with a desperation that you only feel for each other. a once-in-a-lifetime desperation.

the two of you cried and held each other, and somehow you knew everything was going to be okay.

and this concludes the triology! thank you for the overwhelming support on this series that wasn't even meant to be a series!

sleep was impossible afterward, so he started his day the moment he woke up. once he was fully grounded, he'd reluctantly crack open an energy drink and prepare for the fatigue he knew would hit him like a brick wall in the middle of the day.

-

you knew nothing of kirishima's nightmares, for you'd been on a vacation with some friends for two weeks. he'd never had trouble sleeping before--not with you, anyways.

it pained you to leave him for so long, but your friends insisted that you join them on an out-of-state trip to some resort they'd booked. kirishima had also encouraged you to go, so you did. it was a wonderful two weeks of relaxation, but you were so excited to see your beautiful boy pick you up from the airport.

once you exited the terminal and picked up your bags, you said goodbye to your friends and excitedly walked to the cellphone lot. you weaved through groups of people as your suitcase bumped over cracks in the sidewalk, antsy and excited to see your boyfriend.

you looked around excitedly as you reached your agreed-upon meet-up spot, waiting anxiously for kirishima. so many people were meeting up with family, friends, lovers--that was the beautiful thing about airports, you'd found. it was sad at times, but reunions and meet-ups were so wholesome.

your first instinct when someone grabbed your waist from behind was to jerk away, but when you turned to see kirishima, you grinned and hopped up into his arms, "ei! oh my gosh, i missed you so much."

you squeezed him tight, so, so tight.

"i missed you too, babe," he chuckled, his words a little strained as you all but crushed his ribs, "but you're gonna kill me."

"too bad. i just went an entire two weeks without you. you're not gonna get more than two inches away from me." you insisted, but finally dropped down to the ground.

all it took was an actual look at kirishima's face for you to realize that something was definitely wrong. his eyes were heavy and almost half-lidded, a dark shadow casting under them. his entire expression, albeit happy to see you, was exhausted.

"baby, what's wrong? you look so tired." you frowned, bringing up a hand to rub a thumb along his eye bags.

"it's nothing," he chuckled half-heartedly, "just don't sleep the same without you. you sayin' i don't look handsome or what?"

"you always look handsome. but," you snatched the keys from him, "not handsome enough to drive tired. we're laying down as soon as we get home."

he grabbed for the keys, "babe, you just got off a ten hour red-eye. you can't drive."

"i slept the entire ride, now get your handsome self into the passenger seat." you demanded, already walking to the car.

he knew it was futile to argue with you, so he did as you asked and settled into the passenger seat. the entire ride home, you had one hand on the wheel and the other tightly squeezing his hand. despite his deflection, you were pretty worried about him. he'd always slept like a rock, always energized from a full 8-hours worth of sleep.

it was no big deal, you hoped.

-

the moment the two of you were inside, you locked the door, left your suitcase in the living room, and dragged kirishima to the bedroom.

you didn't miss the energy drink cans in the kitchen trash, your worry only growing.

"now, we're not getting up until you're refreshed." you insisted, back to him as you changed into something more comfortable.

"m'not even that tired."

"you were dozing off in the car. quit trying to lie to me, ejirou." once changed, you nestled under the duvet next to him, scooting all the way up to him.

he draped an arm over you, scooting you impossibly closer. your face was level with his, your eyes meeting in a silent conversation of relief. relief that you were together again, relief that you didn't have to sleep separately.

"i missed you so much." he whispered, tracing shaped into your back, "i'm glad you had fun, but it made me think of how we're literally always together."

"i missed you too." you traced lines up and down his bicep, "i know. i'm not used to being away from you so long. we're never separated for more than hours at a time."

he hummed, "is that even healthy?"

"don't care."

"me neither."

the conversation halted there as you scooted down to rest your head against his chest, soothed by his familiar scent and his heartbeat and the cushiony muscle that you loved.

within minutes, the two of you were asleep, breathing steady as you finally felt able to sleep safely. no more hotel rooms, starchy hotel sheets, too-soft hotel pillows. just your kirishima, your bed, your sheets, and your pillows.

you drifted off, a series of dreams flurrying in your mind. they made sense as they occurred, but surely they wouldn't should you try to explain them consciously. you dreamed of the water and a flicker of a face you'd seen at the beach, of talking to members of a live band you'd seen, only their faces were warped into those of your friends, of the meals you'd eaten, only somehow you weren't strong enough to pick up the utensils--because no one's strong or fast in dreams.

suddenly, the dreams turned ugly. the band members--your friends--the people at the beach, the restaurant-goers, they turned against you. they cornered you and chased you until you had nowhere left to run. once they drew near, your abdomen was pierced, a red-hot stinging sensation flooding through your entire body.

your ears rang, but you weren't afraid--it was a dream, after all.

yet, the pain you felt was real, the drip of blood, everything felt so real.

the sensation of actual, realistic blood flow startled you awake.

your first thought was that you'd wet the bed, embarrassingly enough.

just as you moved to check, thousands of nerve endings were set ablaze with pain, making you hiss, "fuck!"

lightheadedness swamped your head, filling your throat with a thick layer of nausea, "ei--fuck--ei!"

your face, arms, torso, legs--everything was on fire. you choked out a pained cry, trying desperately to discover the source of your agony.

you picked up your head, suddenly mortified.

it was kirishima. he was hardened, almost to the point of his unbreakable form. in his sleep.

you had no idea what shape your body was in, but you could only assume the worst considering the pain, and the longer you touched him, the deeper your wounds grew.

"ejirou!" you cried, unable to shake him awake without another wave of excruciating pain rolling through you, "wake up! please, please wake up!"

his eyes snapped open at your cries, afraid, defensive, battle-ready.

he was shaking, breathing raggedy, further worsening your injuries.

the moment his eyes fell on your pained ones, his quirk fell, an indescribable mix of horror and realization dawning on him.

the moment he was away from you, you rolled onto your back, limbs like lead. you couldn't even lift your head to evaluate the damage; your head was far too fuzzy. your vision was darkening in the corners as you choked on tears and oxygen as you tried desperately to gulp in breaths, "911.. call.. 911.." you whispered as your vision completely faded back to black.

-

kirishima was covered in blood in the back of the ambulance. your blood.

it was a blur. he'd been purged with another dream, one so much worse than the rest, and he'd hurt you. he hurt you.

his eyes were unseeing as he sat in the triage room, the nurse asking questions about the circumstances of the accident. he answered like a zombie, only remembering the part where he recommended therapy or sleeping in separate beds.

that stung. he couldn't even be near you without hurting you.

he sat in your room once he was allowed in. they'd given you a blood transfusion because you'd lost almost two entire liters by the time you'd reached the hospital. luckily, you hadn't hemorrhaged, but they needed you to stay over night to keep an eye on embolisms and other concerns he couldn't stomach the possibility of.

as he slouched in the chair beside your bed, he knew what he had to do. as he saw the bandages all over your body, on your eye, your eye that they weren't sure would ever be 100% again, he knew.

-

waking up was painful. the confusion and pain hit you like a tidal wave, forcing a groan from the depths of your stomach, "my god."

you leaned your head back into the pillows propping you up, face scrunched in pain. you tried to muffle quiet grunts of pain, but your body was buzzing with an uncomfortable lick of fiery pain.

"oh, mx. y/n, you're awake."

you peeked an eye open to see a doctor with a clipboard and an extremely dull kirishima who couldn't even seem to look at you.

"what's happening?" you mumbled, suddenly acutely aware that your left eye was covered with a bandage of some sort.

"well," she started, glancing at kirishima, "you're in a hospital. you arrived here by ambulance after you sustained a multitude of abrasions, gashes, and wounds scattered across your body. you lost almost two liters, so we did have to perform a blood transfusion."

your heart rate picked up as you connected the dots, "my.."

"i'm afraid your eye has sustained significant damage. as of now, i am unsure if you will ever be able to fully see out of it again."

warm tears flooded down your cheeks, your chest rising and falling rapidly at the idea of being blind from one eye.

"i'm very sorry. i'll give the two of you some time and then we can further discuss a recovery plan." the doctor dismissed herself, closing the door behind her.

you finally dared yourself to look at kirishima, who was biting hard at his lip, presumably to keep himself from crying.

"are you okay?" you finally stammered out, vision blurred with tears at the news you just received.

"how can you even ask me that?" he asked incredulously, "didn't you hear what the doctor said? i could've k--" he choked out a sob, clamping a hand over his mouth. after drawing in a tight breath, he began again, "i could've killed you, and you're asking me if i'm okay."

"you didn't mean to, ei, you were sleeping." you reasoned, "and you didn't kill me, i'm okay."

"you're half blind, y/n!" he touched a hand to his forehead, walking up and down anxiously, "what if it happens again? what if my quirk goes off again because of some stupid bad dream and i accidentally kill you?"

"you've been having nightmares?"

he just stared at you, eyes wide and red and puffy and breaking your heart.

"we can't be together."

a beat of silence, only ended by the beep of the heart monitor.

"what?"

"i hurt you, y/n. i made you bleed, i ruined your eye. i'm," he stammered out, "i'm dangerous. i can't be with you, i can't hurt you."

"you're hurting me right now, ei, what the hell are you talking about?" you demanded, forcing yourself into a sitting position, "it was an accident, i know you'd never hurt me."

he shook his head, looking down at his hands, "i hurt you. i'm so sorry, y/n. we can't--we can't be together because i hurt you."

your tears weren't from your physical pain anymore, they were from the idea of having a life without kirishima in it.

"ei, please, please--" you reached a hand towards him, begging, "please, just listen to me."

he stopped his pacing, stopped his babbling, and looked at you.

"the idea of not being able to love you, to kiss you, to be with you, that hurts me more than anything. more than a million cuts, more than losing both my eyes, all my limbs, more than anything." you focused a steely, watery gaze on him, "so don't hurt me. we can move past this together. i'll be with you for everything, no matter what."

he processed your words, a crying mess, but shook his head, "i can't, i can't--"

"eijirou." you demanded, "you love me, right?"

he nodded slowly, bottom lip quivering, "more than anything."

"then stay. if you love me, stay."

it was a helpless kind of frustration, one that made the back of your eyes and the tips of your fingers burn with impatience. ultimately, you couldn’t help but yell.

“would you follow your dream anyways? be able to run the restaurant so much easier without me here?” you demanded, fists clenched tightly at your side, so much so that small crescents were forming on your palms, “you’d be able to go all around the board, pass go, and collect that $200, huh? all without me.”

your tears didn’t get the memo your brain was desperately trying to send.

be angry. not sad.

yet, you couldn’t truthfully say your tears were ones of anger—instead those of grief.

“that’s what you said you wanted, right?” you whispered, a ball forming in your throat, “you wanted your business to thrive, and that just wasn’t possible with me there.”

“y/n—”

“no, shut up.” you bit out sharply, hands trembling at your side, “you don’t get to talk. not after you cheated.”

his entire expression faltered, mouth gaping like a dumbfounded fish. a stupid goddamn fish that had been caught and was about to be reeled in and grilled.

“it’s bad enough that i had to hear it from atsumu, but with them? we hit a rough patch and you run to them? that’s fucking,” you sucked in a breath, hating the crack in your voice, “that’s fucking pathetic. onigiri miya isn’t stagnating because of me, because you think i’m holding you back. it’s because of you.”

you clenched your jaw to keep your lip from trembling. your entire body was lit up like a christmas tree, anger and betrayal running hot down into your fingers. every force in the universe compelled you to scream, cry, hit something, but you didn’t. you attacked him with your words, your pain, your broken heart.

“it’s because you have some war waging on in your mind, perceiving everyone else as the problem, the—the issue.” you stammered out, suddenly feeling so liberated, so free of the sheer weight of the truth, “newsflash, you’re not fucking perfect.”

“y/n, please, just let me—”

“shut the fuck up! you’ve talked over me, suppressed my opinions, dismissed me—for too damn long.” you hissed, stepping forward to jut a finger into his chest, “you’ve wasted my time. three years of my life that i’m never gonna get back. do you realize the gravity of that? three whole fucking years.”

you stared up at him, watching him cry and savoring it. you’d never felt so powerful, so alive. you drank in his pain, his regret, the wounds you were creating with the sole force of your words.

“don’t ever, ever contact me again. don’t have atsumu or suna or fucking aran ask how i’m doing. stay the fuck out of my life.” you dropped your hand, shaking your head, “i hope this restaurant, the little stress relief you felt when you were with them—i hope it was worth losing one of the only people that’s stood by your side.”

yet, the bad strung you along, drawing you unknowingly to the edge of a cliff side. you were blindfolded, not sure when your next step would fail to meet the solid earth.

the bad—the dreaded bad—hid itself within the happiness and perfections of your relationship. within those perfections we’re cracks, flaws at the fact that the two of you were so dependent on each other for happiness.

you woke up everyday only to wait for hawks to come home—he was your reason for putting one foot in front of the other. being together had made you lose your sense of purpose.

the bad crept into your brain, creeping into every fold and reminding yourself just how lackluster you were without the blinding light of the great hawks.

this insecurity, the doubt, had manifested itself into jealously. the tiniest bit of jealousy that licked at your stomach with every headline, every story about how work had gone that day.

it took less than five jealous episodes for you to recognize the feeling. initially, you’d been in denial. hawks was an amazing hero that saved people, why should you be jealous?

you found too many answers to that, and it scared you.

the realization that your relationship was unhealthy hit you like a blow to the stomach. you knew being with hawks was so many things: magical, wonderful, amazing—but never unhealthy.

just associating that word with your relationship helped you realize that you and hawks needed to talk.

-

“what’s up, babe?” hawks draped an arm over your shoulder as he stepped into your apartment, smooching your cheek.

you tried to smile, tried to dislike the kiss, but all you felt was rolling waves of nausea.

“we, um,” you looked to the side, “we need to talk.”

he eyed you, scanning your face for any sign of humor, “y/n?”

“keigo, please.” you sucked in a breath, ducking out from under his arm to find a place on the couch, “come sit down.”

he was nervous now. the two of you never, ever joked about things like this. nervous energy radiated off his body as he took a seat beside you, “what’s wrong?”

“i’ve, um..” you already felt your eyes watering. how pathetic, you couldn’t even make it through a single sentence.

the floodgates were opening at the mere idea of the two of you no longer being together. your love was beautiful, but the relationship left no room for growth, so you pushed through your tears.

“i’ve been thinking. i—we,” you cleared your throat, taking his hands in yours, “we need a break.”

his entire face dropped the moment you finished your sentence, “what?”

“we need a break, keigo. this relationship has us too—too dependent on each other. we’re suffocating each other. there’s no room for growth.”

his hands flew to your face as his eyes grew glassy, “y/n, please. please, don’t do this. we can work this out together.” he begged, thumbing away your tears.

“i’m sorry, i’m sorry.” you whispered, “but it’s true. we can’t even stand being apart for too long and it’s unhealthy, kei. it’ll make us hate each other in the long run.”

“okay, okay, then i’ll change, you’ll change. there’s no reason for a break,” he reasoned, eyes more desperate than you’d ever seen, “please, please, look at me, y/n. please.”

you looked down, unable to muster the courage to look him in the eyes. you’d fold. you’d fold with his beautiful honeyed eyes, especially the twinkle in them when they were accompanied by tears. you wouldn’t be able to resist him.

“i’m sorry, keigo.”

conflicted and desperate, he pulled you into a harsh kiss, one so full of grief and teeth and pain. you couldn’t indulge, not even for a second, so you pulled back, pushing his hands away from your face.

“i’ll always love you. that’s why i’m doing this, okay? i promise, i’ll always love you.” you choked out, “we can be friends, okay? we just—we just need time.”

he shook his head, grabbing desperately for your hands, “please. please, i’m sorry, i’m sorry okay? whatever i did, i’m sorry.”

your heart shattered at his apologies. you rested a gentle hand on his leg, “you didn’t do anything wrong. we just.. stagnated, okay? we forgot about independence. we’ll be okay after a while.”

he dropped his head onto your shoulder and sobbed, no words left to convey the realization that you weren’t going to change your mind.

and so you held him, held him through the tears and anguish. still, once the storm had passed, you were true to your word. you kissed his forehead, a silent promise that you would be together again one day.