#governcr

i.      YOU   KISS   HER   after   she   hands    you   a   cup   of   caf   ,   mug   held   out   of   the   way   as   you   press   your   lips   to   hers   ,   half   standing   from   your   chair   to   catch   her   in   the   moment   when   she   leans   over   the   table   .      HOW   LONG   have   you   been   waiting   for   this   ?      How   long   have   you   taken   to   gather   up   the   courage   ?      HOW   MANY   AFTERNOONS   of   caf   in   he   living  room   ,   legs   tucked   underneath   you   on   the   couch   ,   watching   her  lips  move   as   she   speaks   .      (   And   you   think   that’s   where   you   fell   in   love   ,   drinking   caf   in   the   living   room   ,   seeing   the   smile   that   you   only   see   inside   this   room   .   )      So   you   kiss   her   ,   tasting   the   bitter   flavor   of   caf   on   her   lips   ,   and   on   her   tongue   ,   as   she   returns   it   with   an   enthusiasm   you   had   never   expected   ━━━   never   could   have   HOPED   FOR   .

ii.      KISSING   HER   becomes   a   constant   ,   something   so   ingrained   in   your   life   that   you   almost   forget   what   it   was   like   not   to   feel   her   lips   on   yours   ,   her   fingers   tangled   in   your   hair   .      You   think   ,   perhaps   ,   that   this   is   when   you   really   fall   in   love   ;   with   her   hands   on   you   and   long   -   forgotten   caf   going   cold   on   the   table   ,   kissing   her   in   the   living   room   of   that   cramped   apartment   .      The   words   don’t   come   ,   not   yet   at   least   ,   but   you   let   them   stay   inside   your   chest   ,   content   to   remember   that   you   love   her   .

iii.      YOUR   HIP   IS   PRESSED   AGAINST   THE   COUNTER   ,   and   SHE   is   pressed   against   you   ,   nipping   at    your   neck   ,   leaving   marks   across   your   collarbone   you   know   will   still   be   visible   by   morning   .      She  smiles   against   your   skin   as   you   gasp   at   a   particularly   hard  bite   ,   your   fingers   tightening   on   her   arm   ━━━   but   she   is   nothing   if   not   relentless   .      Another   bite   ,   and   you   practically   whine   .      For  a   split  second   ,   you   think   the   two   of   you   should   move   ,   find   the   bed   ,   the   couch   ,   but   her   fingers   have   somehow   found   their   way   beneath   your   shirt   ,   and   any   PROTESTATIONS   are   swallowed   when   her   mouth   finds   its   way   once   more   to   yours   .

iv.      YOU   AWAKE   IN   THE   DEAD   OF   NIGHT   ,   city   lights   through   the   blinds   casting   a   spectrum   across   her   sleeping   form   .      The   planes   of   her   face   thrown   into   sharp   contrast   ,   chiaroscuro   upon   your   bed      (   and   you’ve   never   been   much   for   art   ,   but   even   to   your   eye   she   seems   a   MASTERPIECE   .   )      In   the   dim   light   ,   you   gaze   at   her   ,   watch   her   steady  breathing   ,   the   way   her   hair   falls   across   her   cheek   ━━━   and   you   feel   that   guilt   ,   its   bitter   taste   upon   your   tongue   ,   sickening   and   violent   .      Tears   prick   at   the  corners  of   your   eyes   ,   stomach   twisting   with   the   SHAME   of   it   all      (   you   know   what   you   are   doing   is   right   ,   yet   the   cost   ━━━   you   know   what   the   cost   will   be   ,   and   you   dread   it   .   )      Your   fingertips   come   to   rest   upon   her   arm   as   you   lean   down   to   bury   your   face   in   her   neck   ,   pressing   your   lips   to   the   spot   where   her   shoulder   meets   the  column   of   her   throat   .

v.      SHE   KISSES   YOU   and   her  mouth   tastes   like   ashes   ,   like   salt   ,   like   something   has    died   and   been   left   to   linger   for   so   long   that   it   has   become   DUST   .      She   kisses   you   and   her   mouth   tastes   like   collapse   ,   and   destruction   ,   and   damnation   ━━━   YET   STILL   YOU   KISS   HER   BACK   .      You   let   your   fingers   tighten   in   the   front   of   her   shirt   ,   clutching   at   her   with   a   miserable   desperation   ,   as   if   holding   her   could   save   her   ,   could   save   you   .      Hell   is   licking   at   your   heels   and   you   can   do   nothing   but   let   it   take   you   ,   turning   you   both   to   something   unforgivable   .      (   Something   broken   /   something   cruel   )      It   is   the   INEXORABLE   PULL   of   fate   ,   dragging    you   apart   even   as   you   cling   to   her   .

VENI   ,   VIDI   ,   VICI

SHE   IS   UNFORGIVABLE   ,   but   you   follow   her   anyway   ,   her    hand   gripping   yours   as   if   she   is   the   one   in   need   of   a   LIFELINE   .      (   Please   ,   let’s   go   home   .   )      She   grips   your   hand   and   pulls   you   from   the   cell   ,   from   the   drab   grey   durasteel   ,   as   if   by   doing   so   she   could   make   you   FORGET   that   she   was   the   one   to   confine   you   .      (   Please   ,   let’s   go   home   .   )      SHE   IS   UNFORGIVABLE   ,   you   remind   yourself   ;   but   the   words   taste   hollow   ,   taste   like   forced   justification   for   a   hatred   that   has   long   since   lost   its   FIRE   .

SHE   IS   UNFORGIVABLE   ,   but   you   follow   her   anyway   ,   because   :

                  One   .      It   is   better   than   another   day   LOCKED   in   that   cell   ,   it   is   better   than   another   day   waiting   ,   wondering   ,   worrying   that   it   might   be   your   last   .                  Two   .      It   is   still   those   memories   that   you   return   to   ;   coffee      (   you   drink   it   too   hot   )      ,   her   smile      (   the   REAL   one   ,   the   one   that   only   you   ever   saw   )      ,   the   way   the   city   lights   shining   through   the   blinds   would   SCATTER   across   the   planes   of   her   body   .      The   way   she   tasted   like   cinnamon   .      The   way   she’d   kiss   you   .      The   way   her   fingers   laced   so   PERFECTLY   with   yours      (   and   they   way   they   still   do   .   )                  Three   .      It   is   your   fault   too      (   ?   )                  Four   .      It   is   something   in   how   she   looks   at   you   now   ;   DESPERATELY   ,   and   you   don’t   know   whether   she   is   asking   for   your   forgiveness   ,   or   wondering   if   she   can   FORGIVE   HERSELF      (   Have   you   ever   felt   remorse   before   this   ,   Arihnda   ?      Have   you   ever   felt   GUILT   ?   )                   Five   .      Despite   everything   ,   you   still   love   her   .

PLEASE   ,   LET’S   GO   HOME   ,   she   asks   you   ,   and   her   fingers   grip   yours   so   tightly   that   you   fear   they   might   break   ,   that   she   might   shatter   you   into   a   thousand   mirror   shards      (   and   maybe   this   time   ,   she’ll   cut   herself   upon   them   .   )      PLEASE   ,   LET’S   GO   HOME   ,   she   begs   you   ,   and   your   legs   move   without   meaning   to   .      You   follow      (   you   fall   )      ;   you   step   from   one   PRISON    to   another   ,   and   you   cannot   care   about   forgiving   her   ,   when   you   wonder   if   you   can   forgive   yourself   .

SHE   IS   UNFORGIVABLE      (   you   know   it   ,   she   knows   it   )      but   you   follow   her   anyway   ━━━   HOME   ,   HOME   ,   HOME   .