#goron!dwick

Pik Ango Boulderdash Gouache on Stone 2194 On Loan from the Dwick Dwickcast Syndykyt

Fat Fin drops an enormous deposit of zoanite in front of Dwick.

"Thought-you-could-use-this-as-an-apertif-before-fighting-BeeBee-gotta-work-up-that-appetite-since-you've-got-turtle-soup-on-your-mind-but-youre-gonna-have-to-try-zorca-steak-cuz-that-old-fossils-title-is-going-to-be-MINE-anyway-enjoy-the-rock!!!"

He clicks his teeth at him before he runs off again, leaving Dwick to ogle at his delicious new gift.

Fat Fin's manic, sugar-infused donation catches Dwick as he's soliciting bicep squeezes from curious "fans." The out-of-nowhere boulder delivery SHATTERS the stone table he's loafing in front of, successfully startling the rotund goron (and sending his most recent arm-squeezing rito squawking into the air). Before he can respond, however, Fat Fin's delivered his remark, clicked his teeth, and shot off, leaving Dwick and his congregation in a cloud of dust.

"...Well, shit," he muses, stroking his beard. "Never seen a fishman move like dat wit'out a mountain, an overturned cask'a fryin' oil, an' a well-placed banana peel. Be interestin' seein' if'n he kin keep dat shit up fer da actual match..."

The boulder sits enticingly before him, an "aperitif" easily as tall as several of the Hylians milling about (and possibly just as wide). An arsenal of countless ancient devices could be constructed from this precious delivery, and the energy derived would probably keep a constructed hovercraft running for a whole seven seconds.

It definitely rates at least a snack for him…and certainly rates as a potential business opportunity.

He plants a pudgy hand on either side of the boulder.

"AWRIGHT, ladies and germs!" the goron yells, hefting it above his head for all to see. "We got a NEW ACTIVITY fer all you Dwickheads out dere!"

With that, he LEAPS into the air and SLAMS the boulder into the cratered remnants of his guest table with a vicious volleyball spike. The boulder shatters on impact, somehow managing not to spray onlookers with zonite shrapnel, but instead resolving into a pile of energy-dense rocks at the bottom of the hole, each the size and shape of an average Hyrulian Royal Swordsman's thigh.

"…Well, dear?"

[Assorted munching, smacking, and crunching noises]

"…Hmm?"

"That's your first opponent for the final S.M.A.S.H. Championship. Think you'll be able to take him on?"

[Spit-take, followed by an overwhelming swallow]

"SHARKBOY?! Pssshhhh. He's a guppy, Lydds! Look'it 'im next to dat old fart! I'd call 'im a filter fish, but he'd jus' get lost findin' 'is way 'round my gums, y'know?"

"So you're not worried about him tearing you a new one?"

"…Listen, ducklin'. If'n we're in dat match at the end? I will offer 'im my arm. If'n he kin bite 'is way 'troo dis here hide, I'll hand 'im a silva-rupe right den an' dere."

"Brave words, my fiery beastie."

"What? You don' think I'll git past Dumbass Humperdink?"

"Dwick, please. I could beat Big Blue with my remaining wing behind my back. It's the other one on stage you need to worry about."

"Turtle Soup?! He's jus' DESSERT!"

"True, true! You've got that main course, first: either Fjord…or that 'Sardon' boy who just showed up."

"HAW! Now DAT'S gonna be fun. Either I git a REAL fight outta dat deep-sea sushi, or I get ter humiliate ol' Fortissimo's boy jus' after his first-ever win. Either way?"

[CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP]

"It's gon' be delicious."

"Good. I love it when you're ravenous for batt--Dwick? DWICK. What are you eating?!"

"Oh, dis? Jus' dat bagga snacks you was keepin' in da cart--"

"Hot damn, I didn' know Cap'm Peacock could zap around like dat. Did you?"

"No…but it certainly explains how I got invoices from every single one of my suppliers for that sash's materials on the same day."

"Fer serious?"

"With the same message, too. 'For the upcoming Vukstravaganza.'"

"Shit, dat would be handy."

"What I don't get is why he would do that and not, you know, just bring me the materials. You know the surcharge Ventest uses to ship its surplus fabrics these days?!"

"Uhhh…no?"

"Put it this way: we could have spent those rupees exploring new veins to sate that appetite of yours."

"…I'mma kill him. You wanna do the stabbin' blow? 'Cause I’m gonna kill’im for ya otherwise."

"…No, Dwick. Besides, I’ve a much more fitting punishment for him.”

“Yeah?”

“Upkeep. We’ll see how much our boy profits off that merch of his once he’s paying for every gold stitch on those glorified undies.”

"Eughhhhhh. Look at the guy they dredged up to fight this kid."

"Mmm?--*PFFFFF---"*

[Sounds of gravel spraying]

"EM-PEEPS?! Din's cheeks, Lydds, tell me you didn' waste enny money shorting dat schmuck!"

"My tunic!"

[Sotto voce] "Yes--yes, sir, please, use my handkerchief. But save that gravel, okay? It'll be worth at least a silver after the Din Matches tomorrow. " [Aloud] "And of course not, dear. Nobody's seriously betting on him to win. All the REAL money's on how long it takes for her to take him out."

"Yeah? Go put some reds on six-thirty fer me, den."

"I'd have thought you'd put down thirty seconds, dear."

"Pshaw. I ain't no rube, Lydds. Thirty seconds don't drive no merch, 'specially when one've 'ems a rook. If'n she can't keep da match runnin' longer'n I kin rip a fart, she deserves ter be turned inter a smear next match."

"Canny as ever, dear. And for your information, there is a pool of viewers who think Mr. Powerhouse'll be TKO'd in the first blow."

"See? What'd I say?" [CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH] "Ruuuuuuubes."

"It really is a shame Esis has never caught a break. You hear so many stories of rookies getting taken advantage of, but this fellow's a one-man show of his own right."

"Heh. Y'know dey tried ter bill dis guy as Da Rookie Killer back inna day?"

"Really?"

"Yeah." [S W A L L O W] "Was supposed ter be da muscle dey sent out when sommat was gettin' all uppity 'bout dere seedin' on da tournament bracket. You know: come out, pound 'em inna sand, remind 'em dey ain't so hot as'ee eats dere lunch."

"Like Mr. Fin did to you last year?"

"Contractin' dispute, Lydds. An' I agreed ter it aforehand."

"Of course, dear. But do go on."

"Sure thang. ENNYWAY--" [CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP] "--'R-K' (as 'ee was called back inna day, 'member) gets paired paired off wit' dis twink of a Hylia showin' up outta frickin' nowheresville. It's dis big joke've a match - kid's maybe what, five-six in height?  90 pounds soakin' wet? An' he's frickin' nekkid. Ain't wearin' more'n a loincloth over his soft bits. I don' think he was really even all dere ter begin wit', ter be honest: 'ee looked like a moblin'd conked him a'tween the eyes a'fore he even got onna field."

[beat]

"I...see. And I take it the, ah, 'feral child'...won?"

"HAW! Weren't even a frickin' contest. Kid moved like sommat kept 'im locked inna cage wit' a lightnin' rod shoved up his ass on Thundra Plateau. Shot in almost a'fore the bell donged, kicked 'im in the kneecaps, did a shield drop on 'im  usin' dis spare plank'a wood near da startin' bell...started vibratin' jus' as he made contact, an' blasted off faster'n a rito tryin' ter get an autograph from Rudy there."

"That...seems implausible."

"DAT'S WHAT EVERBUDDY ELSE SAID! Sheeeyit, Em-Peep's thought da kid had asploded're sommat, da way he took off! Never even saw da kid on reentry, was out like a light da moment 'ee  made contact."

"You mean he landed directly back on Esis? From a hundred feet up."

"A hunnerd feet at least. I ain't no Sheikah scientist, I  jus' know it was from waaaaaay up dere."

[Rock chomping noises]

"…What in Din's balls is wit' dis rooster? Sommat knock his gourd around after his innerview?"

"That's been eating away at me as well. That's not usually how he acts…"

"RIGHT? Sommat must'a spiked 'is punchbowl while no one was lookin'."

"No, no, I meant during the interview itself. Chanticleer's usually a very sweet boy! Not the type who'd make, well…"

"Yeah?"

"…your kind of remarks."

"Hey, I don' shill NEAR so bad."

"…Not what I meant. More that--"

"…"

"…"

"PFFHAW! Ain't dat one'a yer swimsuit models?! DIN'S GAMS AWWW HAW HAW HAW HAWWWWWWWWW"

"...Aaaaaaaaaaand suddenly everything makes so much more sense."

"TAKE IT OFF! TAKE IT OFF IN 'TREE SIXTY!"