#goose-nin

Absolutely! Let us continue the Goose-Nin Chronicles!

Characters: Itachi Uchiha, Kisame Hoshigaki, Deidara, Sasori, Kakuzu, Hidan, Konan, Pain

Contents: Honk

You weren't appreciated in Konoha.

The Leaf couldn't see your genius, the majesty of your horse of murder geese, despite being the Waterfowl Sage, the gander's chosen one. They simply couldn't comprehend your genius.

So what do you do?

Naturally, you go missing-nin and join the Akatsuki. As one does.

At first, they were reluctant to admit you, until you showed them your entry in the bingo book.

"Forty-nine confirmed kills. Victims reported to be pecked to death. If you hear honking, flee."

It didn't take much more to convince them to give you that red and black robe, though Kakuzu took one look at the hefty bounty on your head and argued they should toss you back to Konoha for the reward money.

Watch out, Kakuzu. Keep an ear out for the sound of webbed feet slapping the ground in the near future...

Deidara didn't know whether to be intrigued or disgusted by your goosey medium. Could mastering a flock of evil little bastards be considered artistic?

Nonetheless, he experiments in private, crafting his own miniature flock out of clay. He quickly scraps them, unnerved by how they seem to have a mind of their own.

Sasori was prepared to ignore you the way he does the rest of the organisation (except Deidara), but he found one of his puppets reduced to splinters. What could have damaged the chakra-hardened wood? Upon closer inspection, there are dozens of what appear to be peck marks. He examines the ground.

Footprints. Webbed footprints.

Kakuzu doesn't care about you or your stupid geese. As soon as Pain vetoed turning you in for the bounty, you faded into irrelevance. that is, until he found one of his secret cash hoards reduced to shreds.

Every ryou, nothing but tatters. Every thread in Kakuzu's body slithers with rage. You and the murder gaggle better watch your back, because this means war.

You have no beef with Kisame. He's a shark man. Geese are water fowl. You don't let the small difference of saltwater versus fresh water get in the way of mutual respect.

You bemuse Itachi deeply. The geese, your general erratic demeanour, the fact you come from Konoha... It's all reason enough for him to give you a wide berth. That is, until you casually mention that you set your cursed gander on his little brother.

The Sharingan spin with an eerie intensity as his head turns slowly toward you. He's ready to plunge you into Tsukuyomi, to put you through a hell a thousand times worse than whatever you did to Sasuke, when you continue:

"We must have chased him for like forty-five minutes."

Pause.

"...you simply...chased him," Itachi says, disbelieving.

"Yeah, then he distracted them by throwing a bunch of peas in a pond. He got away after that. Shame."

He stares at you blankly, the tomoe in his eyes no longer spinning. After a moment, he just gets up and leaves. Yours is a level of nonsense he just can't deal with.

Putting you and Hidan in the same organisation was always going to be a disaster, let along the same room. Against all odds, it seems like the two of you actually get along. You're both objectively crazy, homicidal, and devoted to gods of destruction. (Hidan to Jashin, you to the Mother goose. Which of them is more horrifying is a matter of theological debate.)

Pain has to physically separate the two of you, or people start to vanish from nearby towns at an alarming rate, their fates best left unwritten.

Pain and Konan are mostly insulated from your bullshit, but the vociferous complaints from Kakuzu, Sasori, and Deidara start to wear them down, as does Itachi's silent disapproval. Kisame doesn't care much either way, and no one takes Hidan's opinion into consideration.

It's only when their hidden bases are full of feathers and droppings, hunter-nin are swarming all over to trace the missing persons, and half the Akatsuki members are threatening to quite, that Pain and Konan come to a decision: you have got to go.

But when it comes to the actual matter of kicking you out, they hesitate. Do they really want to confront a horde of psychopathic geese and their unhinged summoner?

No. No, they don't.

Which is why they vanish.

The Akatsuki organisation splinters apart around you like a dropped plate...and quietly reforms somewhere else. It takes months for Deidara to stop flinching at the sound of honking.