#good coping

I want to remember... I want to remember a time when things felt good. It's been months since the last time I remember feeling perfectly happy. But I do this when I get bad. All I can remember or think about is how profoundly sad I am. I want to remember a time that I didn't feel sort of sad at the end of the day. Like I have wasted yet another day just surviving. I want to go to bed feeling happy and full of life and ready to take on the world again tomorrow. I want to remember a time when the world didn't make me angry. I get overwhelmingly angry at the little things; someone shouting my name again after I say I'm coming, someone talking to me when I don't feel like listening. I want to scream and throw punches but I can't because I know deep down that I'm being crazy. I want to remember who I am. But I don't think I've ever known. My life so far has been a series of hurdles thrown at me at random, sometimes unbearably close together and sometimes insanely far apart. I want to remember a time when I was excited to be alive; when I felt like I had things to do and places to go and people to meet because all of those things are out there and not because I want to escape the monotony of the life I'm currently living. I want to remember what it was like before I was me...