#gober

“Oh for the love of-” there was the sound of her crossing the room and then the quick ‘fwap’ of a pillow smacking his face, knocking him back onto the bed where he laid in a daze and stared at the ceiling, wondering where it had gone wrong, “she’s seven years old you big drama queen, and it’s a sleepover! Don’t you think you’re overreacting?”

“Over…” Vlad felt indignant, “Harriet, for the last three weeks it’s been ‘Uncle Jack’ this, and ‘Uncle Jack’ that, and now she wants to go spend the night with… with him! On her birthday weekend Harriet! Her birthday! ‘Overreacting,’ please, if anything you’re UNDERreacting!”

Sighing, Harriet joined him on the bed. This was technically her fault, she had been looking over some college scrapbooks when their daughter, Dana,  tumbled into the room -literally- and had to be stopped from colliding with a vase more expensive than some people’s cars. Naturally, the curiosity of a child saw the strangers in the book beside her parents and responded with a thousand questions, most of which had to be answered with a PG retelling. Dana had taken a particular interest in ‘Uncle’ Jack. when Harriet slipped on a bit of nostalgia and told her that they were like brothers a long time ago. She had never had an uncle before, Harriet only had sisters, and for a girl who was used to having everything, the concept of something new to add to her treasures made her eye’s light up. Of course, she also had her father’s annoying habit of never letting anything go.

“Mommy,” she had said weeks ago over dinner, “I know what I want for my birthday.”

“Oh,” Harriet had replied, her and Vlad sharing a look of amusement at her assertiveness, “and what’s that?”

“I wanna go see Uncle Jack.”

Vlad had almost choked on his salmon at the announcement, forgoing his wine glass and reaching straight for the bottle. He spent the entire night in his library pacing and listening to Liza Minnelli records and any attempts he’d made to bargain with their daughter to change her mind in the subsequent weeks had been met with failure. 

“...Is it too early to ground her?” 

“On what grounds, Mr. Masters.”

He paused as he racked his brain looking for probable cause. “Treason?”

fwap.

“Look Vlad, you know I’m not Jack’s biggest fan either,” she began.

“So it’s two against one now, great, now YOU go tell her no.”

“BUT,” Harriet continued, ignoring her husband, “it is only going to be one night, and I’m sure Maddie will keep things in order enough that if anything goes nobody will get hurt.”

“Ah yes,” Vlad said, eyes flashing red, “because that worked out so well last time, didn’t it dear.”

“No,” she rebutted, “but last time they didn’t have two kids or their own to look after either. I mean, little Danny’s just now walking and Jazzy is about Dana’s age so at the very least they’re capable of keeping children alive for the twenty-four hours it’ll take us to set up the p-a-r-t-y. Besides, much as I hate to admit it, kids have always loved Jack, remember when you guys had to volunteer at that daycare for class credit?”

“Well, you know what they say about those of like minds, my dear”

“Mmhmm,” she said, kissing his forehead, “and I also know what they say about opposites, Mr. ‘Accidentally sat on the class hamster and made the children cry.’”

Vlad grumbled as he thought about the family postcard the Fentons had sent them last year. Jack, mountain of a man that he was, tears nearly in his eyes as he cradled the two small children and his wife in his massive arms as if they were the only things in the world. He’d almost looked… competent, and Harriet had gotten serotonin from the smile he let slip looking at the photo longer than he cared to admit. He supposed one day wouldn’t kill anyone… also, he could always send a duplicate sentry to invisibly watch the house for signs of  excess buffoonery. 

“Besides,” Harriet said, leaning in to whisper in his ear, “it’s been a while since we’ve had a night just to ourselves, and I think my Dairy Queen outfit is getting a little sad boxed up in the closet, eh?”

Turning red, his ears perked up like an excited bat. “I… yes… well… I- I don't suppose one night is entirely unreasonable.”