#gnome.rambles

How the only reason Mapicc tried to kill him that day was because he believed Zam would forgive him and because he was planning on giving the heart back after he got to 20 for his video.

But how that moment provoked Zam to tell Planet to make fun of him in chat for not being able to kill a naked Zam.

How that moment stung. And when Spoke was killed, he killed Zam 3 times, once for Spoke, once for the mocking, and once for trying to stop him from leaving.

The pain of not having Zam being resolved through blood and murder. Repercussions for mockery being given out swiftly and succinctly.

Because Mapicc will always give out repercussions to actions he finds fault in.

But then he drops it just as quickly. He deals out death until your debt is paid. But then it's over.

And this time the debt that was ensued was far greater than simple mockery in chat. It was helping the enemy. And so the retaliation must be bigger.

So he kills him with his fist, blows up the field, kills him again. But that was supposed to be it. But how could that be it when he just did something so devastatingly huge. So of course Zam keeps coming back, keeps talking, keeps trying to understand, and keeps fighting back. So Mapicc kills him again if he's going to attack him. But he says after the fight that he felt empty that it was over. that it was over. The debt had been paid. Now onto mane.

The actions of one teammate will fall upon all teammates. Mapicc is the lifestealer that says that line the most. Said it immediately before killing Woogie for siding with Zam. And told it to Derap after.

But when Zam attacks Hannah for the actions of Mapicc, of how Mapicc used him especially for the creaking trap, suddenly that reality of lifesteal shouldn't count. You should only be going after me for my own actions, not my teammate, he says that day. It makes a new debt, one that must be paid in blood again.

I think Mapicc doesn't believe his own actions should have consequences, because they're not really his own actions, they're repercussions for other's actions. He is vengeance.

So he hunts Zam down again.

But through and before it all, the day he chose to let his wrath be known and he blew up the flower field, Mapicc chose to use Zam for his video. He went in knowing that that was what it was. He said it out loud on stream. And again while telling Bacon about the day when setting up the flower field with tnt. He knew that he used Zam for his own selfish gain.

So he was in the wrong. He deserved a repercussion for that.

But it would hardly be the first time Mapicc has pulls shit like it. The prep days for the Pangi crown battle in s4 will forever rotate in my head. The height of the castle arc, and Mapicc needs pvpers on his side so that he can defeat Pangi and his 3 teammates. It's just him and Parrot who are available. They're going to be crushed in defeat. They need Zam and Subz to help.

So Mapicc strongarms Zam into dropping his beef. The castle arc beef. THAT beef. Says if you just want to kill me, here come to spawn and I'll take my armor off and you can get your kill and then we can team up and your lore will be satisfied. Zam hesitates, but ultimately does it. And I've always loved that scene because it is one of the key moments where we see Zam choosing the functionality of the server over his own personal lore. The same thing he's just gotten into again.

He chose to even out the teams, help Mapicc, so that the fight would be a fair battle. For the good of the server, he killed a naked Mapicc and joined his side. Even though Mapicc was using him for his own content and not caring about Zam's.

And after? Mapicc asked for the lent hearts back. And tried to murder him with Parrot and Ro not minutes later. A perfect case of using Zam for the video, and then throwing him to the side after. And their castle arc beef continues until the final 1v1 where Zam wins.

But Mapicc uses Zam's willingness to help out to get what he needs. So similar to using dupes to get an upper hand in fights he otherwise would loose. So similar to calling in teammates to finish off a 1v1 so he doesn't loose.

When Mapicc faces failure down the barrel of a gun he saves himself.

Call it a massive insecurity for not being good enough. If he fails, he is bad. He cannot fail.

He's in the wrong for that one. But in the right for dolling out repercussions, for fighting against those who would go behind teammate's backs to help enemies. For those who would kill his teammates, protecting those whom he promised himself he would protect. Getting hearts for his teammates so they can stand in this world that will cut you down if you don't cut it down first.

And then there's his jealousy. What was love has turned to possession. Jealousy has rotted the relationship to the core. And especially from Zam's pov, Mapicc being mad that he went to Derap IS unfair. Mapicc is controlling his actions, who he can hang out with.

But Mapicc's devotion has no outlet. His love is so strong and complete, his mind always going back to Zam and where is Zam and why won't he come back to Mawn and Zam is strong and capable and all these huge and confusing emotions that don't make sense. He's a strong and independent Mape who doesn't need anyone. He's fine. He's fine alone. He doesn't need anyone.

He can't articulate it. Doesn't even know or see what is so clearly there by his actions.

And through the seasons Zam has always been there.

Except for that one time he wasn't. The one time Zam left.

And that time? Zam left Team Awesome because he didn't like the dupes. And Mapicc took it to heart. It was his own fault that Zam left. He pushed him too far to do what he wanted the team to do, all those fights, and Zam wasn't happy and Mapicc didn't see it, couldn't fix it until it was too late. and Zam left.

He mentioned it once to Bacon in s5. How he wanted to make sure Zam was okay with all their team plans bc last time he betrayed bc he didn't like the plans. And all s5 was a soliloquy of Mapicc never pushing his own ideas too hard, being gentle with Zam's thoughts and opinions, doing his utmost to not push Zam into betraying the team.

And Zam still betrayed him. Blessing Minute. Zam still didn't prioritize the team even though Mapicc always prioritizes his teammates.

A core ideal of Mapicc's: the teammates over everyone else.

So once again he tries not to push. Right before the end of the stalking arc he realizes he likes having Zam as a friend rather than an enemy. And chooses, willfully, to be friends. The situationship is born because he knows, oh he knows, that Zam would not be happy on the Empire bc the Empire is going to be evil and Zam has proven to Mapicc that he doesn't want to be evil.

So he doesn't push the Empire on to Zam. But, like he said in his stalking video, he realized "Zam is my only real friend on this server". His closest friend. And he doesn't want to loose Zam.

So he forms the allyship. Because his devotion runs too deep to just end neutral. And his real team isn't logging on almost ever. It's not about using Zam, it's not about taking advantage of him. It's about getting to team with his best friend. It's about devotion.

And for the next months, time and time again, Mapicc puts aside his bloodlust for Zam. He puts aside dealing out the repercussions he fundamentally is driven to dole out, his core ideal on this server, for Zam.

Core ideal vs core ideal. Dealing repercussions vs keeping the server functioning.

And Mapicc is shit at expressing what he's feeling. He tried. Oh he tried over and over. Multiple confrontations with Zam about how Zam stopped him from being himself, from getting the kill he hand picked out. And they always ended with Zam apologizing, and it seemed resolved. It seemed like Zam would change.

But it's just like in s4, but the roles have been reversed. Faced with a teammate who is doing something that fundamentally goes against everything he believes should be done on the server, they talk and talk and talk, but when it becomes proven that they did something even worse behind your back, you snap, twist the knife, and murder them.

I've said before Mapicc is having a Zam s4 of a season. And this was the eclipse federation. He thought Zam was good, he thought he wasn't doing the one thing he would never do, the one thing he has betrayed over in the past; working with the enemy, but then it was proven that Zam was doing just that.

For Zam it was about vitalasy hiding the extent of the exploits, for Mapicc it was about working with the enemy. Just like killing Spoke in the dupe war.

And one of the things Mapicc has brought up time and again recently, before he killed Zam, was wanting to finally feel free from doing what Zam wanted. How he has felt like Zam just uses him for pvp, but only in the ways that benefit Zam, and never let him get the kills he wants he wants to do.

But did he not walk into this situation, with eyes open? He knew Zam wouldn't kill, that he wanted to protect the server, but he still teamed with him.

So he feels trapped.

And then there's the side team. There's Derap. A player who had outstanding debts of repercussions to receive. Whom Zam was protecting from those repercussions. Stopping him from doing his core ideal on the server.

And Mapicc tried to say, over and over and over and over, how he would not team with Derap, how he would never team with Derap.

Is it not so similar to what he just said to Minute and Hannah, what he complained about to Bacon - he is clear with his boundary on who he will team with and they still keep telling him to team with Zam. He's trying, desperately trying, to express his opinions, to stand up for himself. And it's failing.

Trapped between wanting to make a team happy and wanting to do what he knows is right.

And not only that, but he lamented to Bacon about how he wished destroying Zam could be a passion project for them all. He's forever trapped with the worry that his team won't like his idea.

Zam would leave the team to do a solo arc, but Mapicc needs a duo. He needs a team.

So when Zam joins Derap, it cuts him to the heart. His devotion of Zam is being ripped out. His need for company is ripped away. His safety and security is gone.

Oh the two sides of a story. Love that doesn't allow for free will is not love at all. But he's so blinded by love and need that he can't see what he is doing to Zam. That what once was wholesome love has turned to something toxic.

And so the emotions simmer. Bubble away on the back burner. Until all this pain and trappedness and unmet need slams into the stove and everything falls apart. Love turns to wrath.

And it's crazy how Zam is not at fault, he's doing his own plan for the season. He, like everyone, deserves the freedom of choice.

And yet he is endlessly devoted to Mapicc too. And knows everything that makes Mapicc move and breathe. He knows Mapicc's bloodlust, his unending need for revenge when he sees slights.

But he failed to see just how much of a core this is for Mapicc.

He idealized him, put him on a pedestal of perfection, projected his own moralities on Mapicc, believing that he could convince Mapicc to be different, to not be so bloodlusty. That maybe Mapicc could go down a similar path he just did, that everything could be okay and their ideals could align.

Love blinded him to the reality of what Mapicc is.

Just as love blinded Mapicc to the reality of who Zam is.

Zam didn't see Mapicc will only love spawn because Zam loves spawn. Otherwise he just sees it as a tool for power.

Zam didn't see how his devotion became one sided as he threw himself at Mapicc over and over to make him happy, without realizing how upset Mapicc was already and how deep it really went. How unresolved.

Zam knows Mapicc values loyalty, but never once did he suspect that Mapicc would think giving hearts to the enemy was betrayal. Even though blessing Minute was a betrayal and he didn't see it then either.

Their core ideals on the server will never align. Not in the long run. Zam will be who he is: someone who will balance the server to allow every player to thrive. And Mapicc will be who he is: someone who will deal out vengeance on behalf of the server and the repercussions the other players incur.

So close to being similar. Both dedicated to the server's function. But diametrically opposed. Zam will aid. Mapicc will destroy.

Can they learn to let each other go? Can they learn to not be codependent? Can they have the confidence in themselves to not loose it the second the other does what they believe is right? Can they learn to accept the fullness of who the other is?

Because there's something about the other that relentlessly makes them devoted to the other. Something that has nothing to do with the other's actions or what they bring to the relationship. It's just who the other person is. They simply love each other.

But do you remember? Zam said "I'm teammates with Derap" and Mapicc's heart dropped. He went silent, started mulling, started clicking his ax at the air. Started wanting to kill Bacon. Starting wanting to do something.. crazy.

Only then did he bring wardens to spawn.

Everything has hinged upon that one moment. The panic of loosing Zam. The realization that he was already gone. The belief that it was too late.

And Mawn started days later.

And a few days before (the day mapicc talked to Spoke 1:28:00), Hannah was asking Mapicc why he hated Derap so much, and Mapicc said cause Zam replaced him with Derap. She laughed and said, why aren't you mad at Zam then?

MAPICC: “i went to do one fucking project and bro replaced me with derapchu. And kicked me off his little groupy team thing.” HANNAH: “oh so you’re jealous! Okay” MAPICC: “no he deadass replaced me. It’s not even a jealousy thing. He deadass replaced the team with me with derapchu”  HANNAH: "doesn't that reflect more on zam? Did zam do that?” MAPICC: “I hate both of them. Wait shit youre right. Fuck. You are right”  MAPICC: ”no you're right about that! That makes Zam the dickhead. Why am I mad at derapchu?” MAPICC: ”what the hell”  HANNAH: "I'm mad at derapchu because he would always kill bacon and I'm mad at him cause he has a bunch of wemmbu hearts that he doesn't deserve” MAPICC: "that’s also why I hate him. That’s part of the reason. That’s what it is. It's like zam replaced, me, with a shittier version of me. A 20 heart player that didn't actually get all the kills.”

It's not really about the 6 (5) hearts. The thing about the hearts is that they were the straw that broke the camel's back.

And that's the thing about the straw. You don't realize it's the one until it's too late. And it's just a little straw. Such a tiny thing.

But the hearts symbolized something: Support. The one thing Mapicc has not had from Zam all season. How many confrontations have they had about Zam either stopping Mapicc from killing, or warning his prey he's coming, or Zam not wanting to fight someone.

And that's not even to begin to talk about Zam's point of view. How and why he did everything he did. How every interaction has lead them down the slow march that landed him here.

It's too long to write, and you know the tale. Every little step that has brought Zam to the realization that what is best for the server is content, and if he can keep the content going then he will do whatever is necessary.

To understand that, during Mawn, Zam would have had to be in a completely different frame of mind. It was too soon to teaming with Derap and Flame was too *weird* that day for him to ever be able to be on Mapicc's side.

And Derap provided him with an easy out.

A way away from his feelings. A way away from the confusion of spawn, the pain and emotions, the heartbreak of Mapicc.

And Zam gladly took it. A way to be with his teammate who seemed to care about him so much more than Mapicc suddenly did, and a way to not fight Mapicc. To excuse himself from the content because the one person he cannot fight is Mapicc.

If Mapicc was the one taking up Subz legacy.. all alone. Zam would have thrown himself at Mapicc. Without ever trying to fight him I think.

But as it was Mapicc always needs a duo, someone by his side. And in his anger he picked Flame, picked him knowing that all he wanted to do was torment Zam.

Mapicc was both not alone, and with someone Zam could not ideologically reconcile with.

And Zam was both not alone, and with someone Mapicc could not ideologically reconcile with.

And so Mawn was not the same situation at all with Bacon. Bacon didn't just not own spawn, he was alone.

And he wasn't going directly against Zam, putting wardens at Zaun. He wasn't being oddly obsessed with Zam's reaction and trying to force him to stay and build at Mawn.

And Bacon recently had told Zam, for the first time Zam had ever heard it, that he didn't think they were in the wrong for doing Abyss. That Bacon counts Abyss as one of his biggest successes. For the first time ever Zam had the support of a server member for one of the actions he held as both a massive failure, and bad for the server.

And a couple weeks later he's having a very interesting lore convo with Bacon. He almost sounds like how Zam sounded during the Joker arc, confident, happy, excited, talking like what he was doing was exciting for Zam too, and Zam found himself agreeing.

ZAM:” [mutes] he’s talking like me. It's so fascinating”

And well. Bacon was doing something Subz did. And trying to understand, what was the phrase *rifles papers* "my dead teammate's legacy" oh. ok. so, not "previous teammate". "dead" teammate. Like they were simply just recently alive and still a teammate. Got it.

Subz being the object of fascination of Bacon's is so much of why Zam helped him out. He wanted to know why Subz left too. Did his heart skip a beat wondering if Bacon could solve the riddle to if Subz forgave him for Eclipse? If Bacon found out the reason, could Zam bring Subz back? Maybe just for a convo?

All questions never asked. But then. "Im just saying bacon’s not the only person to carry out my dead teammate’s legacy alright?"

Oh me oh my. How the past haunts PrinceZam forever. How everything is always about ItzSubz_ (and Vitalasy)

Not that he could ever tell Mapicc that. That was the last time Mapicc competed for Zam's affection and he hated Subz for it. With the same passion he hates Derap, except Subz could kill him.

Often it looks like secretly being on two teams, like Parrot with the Cleansing, or Leo with betraying Pangi and Zam end of s3, or Spoke in the wormhole, or Jumper, or Pentar in the Capt Sparklez day.

Sometimes it looks like revealing you didn’t have the same ideologies as your teammates, like Zam to eclipse, Poafa to Atlas (woogie counted poafa as being the betrayer).

It’s betraying the trust that is so delicately given on this server. 

If someone extends trust and then the other person did something behind their back, that’s betrayal. Even if you didn’t mean it. Even if it was miscommunication. But especially if you didn’t care about the trust that they had given. And especially if you didn't talk to them about it first.

Because then there's also those moments where who betrayed whom is unclear. Did Mapicc betray Ro over trapping the end? Or did Ro betray him first by doing something that was too far? The second is usually what is held as the betrayal. By both Mapicc and Bacon.

And didn't Ro himself apologize for it and be asked back on the team, but Mapicc didn't forgive him? And yet if you look at it objectively what would "count" as the betrayal is Mapicc's actions, not Ro's, does it not? because Mapicc was the aggressor, Mapicc was the one to say I don't agree with your ideals Ro, Mapicc was the one to kill Ro. All without really talking to him first.

It might be (i didn't think too hard about it) it might be the only time a team has kicked someone off for having different goals (and called their goals a betrayal to boot) instead of the one who has the different goals being the one who leaves the team.

And if you want more dumb commentary because I always have silly thoughts if the ask is too vague, there is a moral of the story here, and it fascinates me immensely.

If betrayal can be something that isn't easily defined by "you did x y or z", is it fair if someone says "you betrayed me" when the evidence is split? When maybe you did some things that hurt them, but you didn't mean it, and they're forgetting all the ways you didn't hurt them? *cough* devotions *cough*

It hits upon a greater truth, that you can, like I said, feel betrayed. Feeling. That subjective experience where all that matters is what you remember, not facts and statistics. The emotions matter more than anything else, because that's what's welling up, craving to be heard. Nobody can push down emotions forever.

And so the word betrayal is thrown out. To get the gravity of the situation across.

And the one who is called the betrayer has to face that they did something to hurt the other.

And, this is the moral, that in life we can hurt others without realizing it. And lifesteal is the piece of art, it stands more in testament of a warning of what happens without communication, rather than ending with sunshine and roses and the moral being communication solves everything.

And it leaves you with the question: will I let my own relationships end like this?

He starts with some low balls. Drops the word "exploit" twice just to see Minute's reaction. Smoothly changes the word when Minute questions him on it.

It's like he wanted to be above the board with it. Or maybe see if Minute would find it an interesting challenge to catch Spoke in the act. Or maybe feel the thrill of pulling off the impossible under the nose two admins. Or maybe something entirely secret.

But both times Minute pushed back against exploits. And Spoke should've known that this was never going to work. But he continues anyway.

When I first heard him pitch the orbital I deadass thought it was the coverup, the distraction for Minute to feel like he was productive on the team, the moral justification to stay out of the exploits. Or better yet, the thing Spoke gives to lower Minute's guard. Get him accepting the small stuff before he gives him the big stuff. Get him in too deep.

Because for real. What is exploitive about the orbital? Nothing. It's entirely above the board. That couldn't actually be the plan. He said "there's legal ways to do this" as if the exploit would also produce a hole to bedrock. But the two cannot be related.

But given how Spoke crashed out to Zam about Minute being stupid, given how he mentioned it to Mapicc too, given how unbelievably unserious Ash and Squiddo were about the orbital, given how Squiddo told 4c that Spoke said he didn't want to do it:

I think the orbital was hand picked by Spoke so that Minute would have fun.

He wracked his brain for what world ending things Minutetech might be interested in. What previous video idea would work for his straight edge teammate.

And he came up with the orbital. Minute even said earlier this season that he wanted to build the mark 6.

But immediately Minute's voice wavered "you want to do this to spawn?" in that one word, it was over. Minute cares too much about spawn. He's not a world ender.

Spoke heard and pulled back immediately. This was just a possible future, not for sure. Spoke had a vision and he was going to inspire Minute. And for that you need a little delicacy, a little back and forth. Push on the mark then back down, stoke their ego then push it to greater heights.

He brings up morality, allows for the possibility of Minute to stay good. Admits it's a test of morals.

Minute is silent, Spoke pivots, this is about sending a statement, this will change lifesteal forever. Vision cast.

He brings up that it's basically ready to blow everything to bedrock. Minute sounds uncertain and Spoke goes quieter, softer, repeating that that's the thing.

Minute rallies, envisions himself making it, envisions the past when he made the other one, places himself in his old shoes and sees what it could feel like.

Spoke goes for jovial, excited. Make Minute see how good of a thing this is, how it will be fun. How much Spoke sees it as fun, as a way to play on the sympathies that even if I don't want to do it, I'll do it cause my teammate is excited to do it. He thinks a nice clean reset would be beautiful. oh my sweet sweet thinly veiled metaphors. The next season would be beautiful I agree.

Minute asks if they do this, would there even be anything left to love. Oh minute.

Spoke pivots to talk about the ego death, how many dumb plots have happened at spawn, how many pathetic tnt attempts. If you get rid of everything, you're free to just love again. Start fresh.

Oh how I love how Spoke will never say he's doing this to start the next season. Everything is about this season. He stays perfectly in rp. I wonder if that hinders people understanding why he does what he does.

But Minute brings up his moral journey, so Spoke takes the hands off the wheel, says what Minute is thinking before Minute can say it so Minute doesn't hear it from his own lips first: he can kill Spoke. He even validates how good that feeling will be. It's a risky play. But he's in the thick of it.

And the mircosecond Minute takes a step towards him he pivots again and plays to the ego, this would be the most insane project ever pulled off. It would completely change history. That that feeling would be better than any momentary hero feeling.

Minute says every time he's followed his dark impulses he's gotten the short end of the stick. And Spoke capitalizes on it, saying that was cause his vision was too low, he has the ultimate plan that will not give Minute any short stick.

But Minute chooses himself. Chooses the blocks on the ground. Over his teammate.

Minute thought he was banning Spoke. Like. okay. Win by absolute power, way to do that again Minute.

But to Minute's credit, and the cinema that is that stream, Minute proved his quality. Was put to the test and passed. He's not manipulatable. Not temptable. He's upright and will choose what is good when he's given the option with a lot of lead up and a very level head. Ok maybe he's not that proven. Because we do know when he's pushed through backhanded devastating situations he follows those dark impulses and wins at any cost. Which isn't moral goodness. But he passed the can-you-manipulate-the-owner test.

Which Spoke needed to experience. He needed to test it. Perhaps as the first of the experiments.

But it's just tragic. Cause we know Spoke's not doing the orbital. If he does I'll be shocked.

There's four players I could see that would make the orbital: Minute, Zam, Clown, and 4c if someone else had the idea. Well, or if Spoke told him to do it directly. Maybe it happens. Literally no idea.

But for how short that list is, that was something Spoke picked out specifically for Minute. A gift he made him. And Minute just threw it out.

I will never get over how decided that he had to test if Minute would be okay with exploits on the same day he tested Minute being okay with being evil.

Which is why I spent most of the day thinking it was never going to be an orbital and all Spoke wanted to know was about Minute's reaction to possible exploits.

Which, okay, maybe I do still think that.

Because he has an exploit. He wouldn't have mentioned it if he didn't. If it was Just the orbital, why scare Minute with talk of exploits. And we literally know he has the bugbombs. Love that he's convinced Squiddo he has nothing, and that she immediately showed him everything. Sure, did he ever figure out how to dupe successfully on the server? no, based on player activity. But he knows the theory.

And then there's Jumper. Oh how interesting this will be.

Wait actually I take that back. Jumper would be on the list. I can see her doing the orbital. It's just so fascinating for how Spoke is both teasing and saying it's not it, back and forth, is he or isn't he. Keep everyone guessing.

There's so many layers to how Spoke talks, what he does, how he does it. He's not dumb at all. Everything has a reason, but I think the bigger picture is that anything can be turned into a success if he just pivots a little.

Because, out of all of this, Spoke now has an enemy that know's he's coming. Which is very wormhole. He leaked things to Planet and Parrot in advance of the finale week so that the opposition would get ready for whatever was coming.