But the Earth Abideth Forever
I had just bought an The Internationale-esque pair of pajama shorts. “Why do you think people buy socialist merchandise even though they don’t support socialism?” Counter- culture, you said. It makes it cool. The postcards I had brought back from Pyongyang stared from their places on my wall, the paper faces waving flags for the socialist cause smiling sweetly at us. We wondered if the people in North Korea were happy.
I said yes, I think they are, at least the ones in the city, remembering how Lee’s face shone with awe as he talked about the day he had been less than fifty meters away from Kim Jong- Un, the laughter of the families at the amusement parks, and the dowdy harridan who tried to speak to me on the metro. Yes, the people in Pyongyang looked happy, at least the few that I saw. Maybe not the ones toiling in the fields, I said. Definitely not the old woman from one of the villages I saw— while on a passing train out of the country and back to China— whose overladen cart capsized upon her as she pulled it downhill. “If only she had a donkey,” I said plaintively. I wished I could have helped her, that I hadn’t whizzed by in my comfortable seat as voyeur to this country. What if she’s dead? What if her family doesn’t have enough money to pay for her medical expenses?
Yet I wondered whether I had even seen it at all, whether it had even happened. I was aware that the chances of me passing by in that train and seeing the cart collapse on her at that precise second were infinitesimal— did I, in a desire to unearth something, anything, that would have exposed the truth (what truth?) of this country apart from the polished version they show tourists, hallucinate it to justify the arguments I wanted to have for the potential better lives the North Koreans outside Pyongyang could have?
We talked about choice. They are happy because they do not know any other way to be, I argued. How Orwellian, how Nineteen Eighty-Four. Their newspapers are not newspapers, I cried. They are unable to compare their lives to the lives of people outside their country if their national newspapers or media-controlled television channels do not report anything apart from the Good News of the state.
But what’s the point of keeping up with the news, you said. Reading the news is always depressing. There is an inverse relationship between longevity and knowledge. People who lead simple, halcyon lives away from metropolitan areas are happier, and thus live longer. News is cyclic, just history repeating itself infinitely. Presidents get elected, re-elected, step-down, and new presidents come in. What’s the difference? Leaders are overthrown, a city here attacked, another dictator there rises, a hurricane destroys this town, a typhoon ravages another. It’s happened so many times before, and it will keep on happening, again and again and again. What’s the point of reading the news, if it makes us unhappy, and is just— like Rudge from History Boys tells his scandalized interviewers from Christchurch to the guffaws of his classmates— “one fucking thing after another”?
If people had a choice between living on an idyllic island farming and knowing about the world, they would choose knowledge, I said. In my opinion, people read the news because only by knowing world events can one begin to confirm and construct his place within the dispassionate recurrences of history. To me, the world is marked by a collective desire to get out of Plato’s cave. Progress and civilization are thus the marks and results of human attempts to surmount these great continuities, these indifferent, universal conditions of human existence. Keeping up with the news, I argued— even though they are “one fucking thing after another”— is hence the first, crucial step in the process of trying to understand one’s place within the permanent, ahistorical, contexts of human life. Only then can one maybe, just maybe, feel like he could do something to impact and disrupt the impersonal cycles of history.
No, you argued, it’d be better to live a simple life, to not read the news. The media reports both the good and the bad, but it’s the bad that tends to stick in one’s mind, and which reduces one’s happiness, and hence one’s length of life. People in the cities choose to relocate to these idyllic places, to get away from the soul-sucking misery of noise, technology, consumerism and bad news. All of them say they are happy. And all of them live longer.
The first time I took notice of you had been because of something you said. Fresh- faced and invincible, you told me your life goal was to find a way to preserve your brain so that even after death, after your physical body had wasted away, you would still be functional, still alive. My modern-day Peter Pan, who swept me away on a beach in Thailand. Afraid of death, of growing old, I remember how morose you were on your twenty-fifth birthday; “I’m hitting my late-twenties”. It’s not hard to imagine the numerous long nights you have spent in darkened rooms before the glare of computer screens, fervently acquainting yourself with transhumanism or any technological possibility of transforming and prolonging your life span.
Ronald Bailey has called H+ the “movement that epitomizes the most daring, courageous, imaginative, and idealistic aspirations of humanity”. But the knowledge that H+ technology would not be made widely accessible within this generation leaves current mankind two options: knowledge, or longevity. So you quietly argued for the simple life, for what little of immortality you could grasp.
But when I asked which you would choose, longevity or knowledge, I already knew the answer.
“I’d choose knowledge”: almost sadly, knowing that it meant disqualifying its opposite.
And this act of conceding from the boy who never wanted to grow up, this recognition of your own mortality, made my heart ache in places I never knew it could. You have told me how impossibly idealistic you are, and it is both my privilege and great joy to be here with you as your ideals strengthen and morph, grow and painfully wither. And there, in your arms, this sense of unmitigated amazement overcame me.
Knowledge is knowing and loving the world. My mind was filled with the vastness of the history of our planet. Or what very, very little of it my mind could occupy. I imagined civilizations rising and falling, the dust and ruins of fallen cities, Caesar’s betrayed face as he bled himself dry and Nebuchadnezzar’s glee seeing the Temple of the Lord burn. I imagined Chögyam Trungpa leading the monks out of Tibet through the mountains without map or compass, and Ozymandias's shattered visage on the desert floor. I imagined Jesus’s anguish in Gethsemane, and I thought of present day Gaza.
In your arms, I remembered the stifling heat in the bus I took from Prague to Český Krumlov, the swollen eyes and hungover face that looked at me from behind darkened shades. I remembered sitting on top of the world looking down and singing Mykonos. I remembered lying on the floor wheezing for breath and feeling as if my heart was going to fail. I remembered how, unable to sleep, my mind raced on the morning train leaving Berlin for Dresden. I remembered my grandmother singing in her dusty apartment, and how I had burst into tears upon entering the Hagia Sophia. I remembered my lips on my mother’s shaved head, and tears, and refusing to leave my room in Austria for days. I remember lying on the cold floor and talking into the night in Kaesong, and the first time I went to church and met God. And I remembered the best night of my life when—with a look of profound stupefaction— you told me you loved me. “Was that scary to say?”
And I’ve always known this, always, always. The reason I don’t want to die. I love God, and know without the shadow of a doubt that He loves me too, loves me better and loved me first. And I feel Jesus’s arms around me every day, and the stirrings of the Holy Spirit within me as I ask for wisdom before each decision to be made. But I don’t want to leave for heaven. I can’t seem to comprehend how some people my age aren’t afraid of death, how they take comfort in the thought of leaving the world and going back to God.
I love the world, I said. I love it more than I want to go to heaven. I don’t ever want to leave this world. I love people. I love knowing people, I love talking to them, and trying to understand the constructs of individuality that everyone— every single person on earth— tries to build up in attempts to create the only part of himself that actually matters in this disinterested world. I love the philosophies people come up with that they deem telic, constitutive of what it is means to face and understand what being human seems to be all about. I have lately been reading about people who faced the perceived negation of life— death, and the convictions they came up with as a result. Gillian Rose called for an adherence to the adage, “Keep your mind in hell, and despair not”, in order to “pass beyond the preoccupation with endless loss to the silence of grace”. Anatole Broyard believed that by being “intoxicated by [his] illness” he could produce an alternate narrative that could outwit his cancer. In the face of death, Rose’s rigorous discipline of the mind and Broyard’s ignited literary sensibilities illustrate their equanimity with death in the face of the panic of creation.
“What profit hath a man of all his labour which he taketh under the Sun? One generation passeth away, and another generation cometh: but the earth abideth forever. The sun also ariseth, and the sun goeth down, and hasteth to his place where he arose.” (Ecclesiastes 1:3-5)
Ecclesiastes proclaims that since everything ends in death, everything we do is thus futile and essentially meaningless. In light of this perceived senselessness, one should thus enjoy the simple pleasures of daily life and take enjoyment in one’s work. Gifts from the hand of God. I intend to do just that. I want to know as much about this lovely, adorable world as I can before my time is up.Â
Reading the news, knowing the world, getting the hell out of Plato’s cave thus gives us a goal— the only possible goal in this dewdrop world that seems to “abideth forever”— the process of discovering the conditions of possible experiences that can inform us of who we really are, and what we are thus compelled to be apart from powers not ourselves. If I could choose, I wouldn’t want to live without knowledge, I would want to strive, and strive, and strive in the hopes that my actions could somehow influence the indifferent hands of probability that govern my life, that history is not just “one fucking thing after another”. I hope that one day, after living this life to the absolute fullest, having done all that I possibly could, not being crushed under an overturned cart, perhaps I could then— like Rose and Broyard— come to an understanding of life in relation to death. Extinction then would not matter, for I would have lived all the way till death, and would thus know the truth of existence that would enable me to die alive. And if I could find ways by which this truth could somehow be imparted to people, and empower them to strive for this knowledge of and love of the world, only then would I be rendered imperishable, only then would my going be more than a maybe-hallucination belonging to someone on a passing train.
“I love the world too,” you said. And knowing that you did too— more than anyone else— I wondered what went through your mind, what you imagined and remembered of your own earthly wanderings, and what you wished to see from now on.
Minds worlds apart but somehow linked, I was so glad that you lying next to me meant this: that we had somehow found each other in this vast and lonely world, and were together and would be together from now on to experience its heartbreaking loveliness. That loving the world didn’t have to be done alone, and that one could traverse its terrains by someone else’s side.Â