#ghostskeleton

june 22 2009

we usually go to outback and i get fries

but i decided i just wanted to go to mcdonalds

it was just me

my mom

and my brother

and my dad was late

and i was getting mad

because

my own dad isnt there to celebrate my birthday

and hes usually gone to work anyway because he has a condo in atlanta so he can work late

but this was my day

and i think we came home

(my dad eventaully showed up)

and we went home

and still

he didnt say anything

he went to the bathroom

and talked on the pho

*phone

and i got so fucking pissed off

and so angry

that i was being completely left behind

and so we sat

and i blew out the candles without him there

and eventually he came out

after we were done

and he said he had to go

and i started crying

because

this just doesnt happen

being completely forgotten

when I was crying my mom said

its fine

dont worry about it

he has a good reason

because she knew

and i was later on the couch upstairs

on the computer

crying

and my mom came upstairs

and she said

honey, i need to tell you something

turn off the computer

she then told me allen had been shot

and I was so fucking sad

but i didnt know what happened

i thought it was a hunting accident

shot in the stomach or something

and I dont know

i dont think she knew what had happened either

but i still knew that he could be alive

and that some asshole had just shot him

i also was really sad at this pont

because i felt so fucking terrible for being mad at my dad

ill have you know at this point

the closest thing that had ever died

was my dog

and I was four

and we had to put her down

and i was so fucking sad

but i knew it was what we had to do

and we gaveher coke

and hambones

and she was happy when she left

though it may not have seemed like it

so later that night

im in the shower

still crying

at the fact of not knowing what will happen

and anger at myself

and I just kinda stood there

and then my mom walked through the door

and she said

grey, sit down

please

we have more news on allen

and at this point

she was crying

because she doesnt like to see me so sad

and she knew what had happened

i refused to sit downn

and she said

we found out where allen was shot

or something along those lines

and i said

where

she said

in the temple

and i hit the side of my head

and cried realizing how severe it was

and i started to feel dizzy

knowing that he is probably dead or going to die

and then I said

who was it

beause

I felt like it was some punk ass kid

or some gangster

or some shit that wasnt happened

and then she said

that it was suicide

and i dont know

i think I passed out

but I sat down really slowly

and everything i was seeing turned black

and i just kinda lied down in the shower

and my mom got in the shower

with her clothes on and held me

and i just kinda cried

and i dont know if youve ever felt the feeling

but it feels like your whole body is numb

like your leg is asleep

but its your whole body

and i started breathing really hard

I eventually got out

and i just went to sleep i think

i dont know

but I woke up the next day

exhauseted

and literally dry from crying so much

and I think I went to my girlfriends house or something

but i was in the same neighborhood that allen lived in

and eventually i left whatever i was doing

and went to the community pool

and my dad picked me up

from the pool

and we drove

and he said

I'm gonna tell you exactly what happened

and whenever you want me to stop, say stop

and so he told me

about how that night

he went to the hospital

where allen had been flown in by helicopter because before he shot himself

he told two girls to meet him there

but they didnt know why

and they saw him and called the helicopter

so he was in the hospital

and supposedly he didnt look like the allen i knew

because they had to shave his head

and his head was swollen

and his favorite tv show was squidbillies

and even though allen couldnt see it or probably hear it

squidbillies was playing in the room

and my dad said he squeezed allens hand

he could have sworn he felt a light squeeze back

later that night he was pronounced dead

later in the car ride

we were literally driving on every backroad

highway

neighborhood

anything to make the car ride longer

and i was hearing the story

and my dad, you could tell he had been crying

and he never cries

ive never seen him cry

but you could tell he had cried

and he said

that allens mom

thought that allen would want me to be a pallbearer

and at this i was honored

but still sad

because i lost one of my bestfriends

later that night

we went to the funeral home

and there were all of his friends there

and i dont know

i didnt expect to cry anymore

because of the previous two days

but i walked in

and got to the last row of the line

where you are actually in the sancturay type area

and his mom is there

and his dad

his brother was in a side room. somewhere, we saw him later

but i think i just started crying so much more there

because

there were pictures of him wakeboarding

and skiing

and on boyscout trips

and caving

and even throwin a footbal, though he sucked at sports

but it was all so beautiful

yet so out of place

like it shouldnt have happened

and it isnt right or fair or anything

and i just walked the long walk to his mom and dad, crying

and not knowing what to say

or do

and i just hugged his mom and cried some more

i think two days later it was the funeral

and i have never been to a funeral

at least one for someone i really cared about

i know that sounds terrible

but i dont know

and we had to meet in this side room of the church

it was a huge church

and the family was there

his grandma

his fucking grandma

and his grandpa

he used his grandfahters gun

his grandfathers gun

a grandfather going to his grandchilds funeral

how fucked up is that in the cycle

anyways

they were there

and small talk happened

and i met more of allens friends

some from out of state

and some from his highschool

and i met them

i couldnt cry anymore

my eyes hurt from crying so much

and my head

and i was just ready to forget it happened and wake up

though of course it was real

and we lined up in front of the family

and we walked down

there were about 12 of us

and we walked

and i dont know

i wasnt sad or happy

i was just kinda numb

and i felt bad

because a few of the other pallbearers were crying

but the sermon

the sermon was about how allen wasnt going to

hell

and this is why i dont believe in christianity.

im sorry if you do

but i cant

because one of the rules

is that

not rules

but understood things

is that if you kill yourself youre going straight to hell

but they were saying that allen was saved

because he had been baptised

but what is a baptism

you can be baptised as a baby

and that is where they put water on you

and you dont even know whats happening because youre a baby

and thats supposed to prevent you from going to hell

i just think thats bs

and i dont know

i cant believe anything like that

but anyways

that was the sermon

and some shitty church band played

it was really bad

like it was if they didnt rehearse

and it made me mad

becaause they were playing for allen baker womble

one of my bestfriends

who killed himself because he was sad

and you play shitty song

the pallbearers and family left first

and we lined up outside of the ext

and greeted everyone

family

guests

adn gave hugs

and i ithink i was the onlyone who wasnt crying

i dont know why

its not bad not to cry there

but i felt bad

and i hugged his grandma and shook his grandfathers hand

and the entire room was silet

except fro his mom crying hysterically

and thats what i remember the most i think

allen had a bird

a parakeet

and his room has been kept exactly as it had been the day he died

for the most part

i mean, everythings picked up

but his pillow is there

and his clothes

and games and stuff

but he had a parakeet

and eventually it died

about a year ago

and his mom bought a new fucking parakeet

and thats just so fucking sad to me

because she misses him that much

that she wants his room that he was once in to have the parakeet

i eventually ended up getting the tattoo that his brother got

as well as five other friends

my brother

and another friend who got something different

and it kinda made it not hurt as much

made it into an art

or a beauty

like a remembrance

but it still is so fucking sad

and i punched a hole in the wall

right before graduationb

because i had been allens age

and i dont know

there are so many shitty people

why him?

it just makes me sad

so i had to get a therapist

becasue two years later

it still affected me