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Cringe is dead so have this random Ghostscholar AU I thought up while working on a puzzle.
• Okay so first off this is whole-on Crack Treated Seriously. There are days where I want to get into the complexity and messed up-ness this relationship could have but this is not one of them.
• It starts sometime around Tang’s third year of college. He’s 22, single, and ends up at some random party and meets some random guy with a nice suit and they have a nice night together. I need it to be known that I headcanon Tang as bi, but is just EXTREMELY picky with who he chooses to date. Unfortunately picky does not equal high standards.
• Normally the two of them would have parted ways and never thought about each other again, but they like the other’s vibe — horrible misread on Tang’s part — and end up spending more time together, and at some point they’re dating. Neither of them knows when, neither of them ever confessed, but they accept that They Are Boyfriends.
• Pigsy keeps telling Tang this is a Bad Idea. Tang doesn’t even have the guy’s name, he just knows that he’s ’The Mayor’ or whatever. The Mayor is, of course, himself, so Pigsy fully believes that there’s a 95% chance that Tang will end up a missing person or dead on the street.
• Tang, of course, does not listen. He normally isn’t interested in romance at all, but there’s something about this guy’s unhinged energy that’s really doing it for him.
• I need it to be clear that Tang does not ‘miss’ or ‘ignore’ the red flags. He looks right at them and goes “Yeah that’s hot.”
• I honestly have no clue Why the Mayor would be interested in Tang, but if I’m being real it’s probably because the few times that Tang is driven to the brink of violence (I.e, when he’s sleep-deprived and is being denied coffee, or is dealing with grading exams and students being difficult) is Very Attractive to the Mayor and reminds him sooo much of His Lady! The aura of death and sheer hatred Tang can exude when being denied wine or coffee on a hard day is very sexy to him.
• It probably starts as physical attraction with minor appreciation for Tang’s personality, but since this is The Mayor it quickly escalates into a genuine obsession. It takes until Tang is, like, in his early thirties to be like “Hm. Maybe there is something strange about this Mayor guy.”
• By that point the Mayor has probably already slipped in marriage papers in between Tang’s assignments. In Tang’s defense he had been running on four hours of sleep and just thought the Mayor was just being flirty when he’d given Tang that ring.
• So yeah when Tang decides to break it off he and the Mayor are technically ex-husbands and Tang Hates That. He calls them exes instead of divorcees because he likes to pretend the marriage never happened. And technically it didn’t, there wasn’t a formal ceremony or anything.
• “How does Tang get the Mayor to sign divorce papers?” Great question! He doesn’t. Tang tries to hold him down and get him to sign and when that doesn’t work Tang forges his signature. Even after they’re legally divorced the Mayor still acts like Tang is married to him, and it starts to get on Tang’s nerves a bit. Especially since he’s getting tired of being stalked by his ex-husband and waking up to find the dude watching him sleep.
• So Tang maybe… tries to commit… a bit of spousal murder.
• Unfortunately the Mayor doesn’t die from a truly impressive amount of arsenic in his food, so instead Tang goes for beating him over the head with a book. Unfortunately the Mayor is like a cockroach and thus impossible to kill.
• What’s worse, he finds Tang’s thirst for violence and murder attempts incredibly sexy and acts like they’re flirting attempts.
• I know what you may be wondering, “How does MK feel about all this?” And the answer is that he HATES IT. That is his dad right there, the same guy who would tuck him in at night and read him bedtime stories. MK didn’t see a lot of the Mayor when he was little since Pigsy and him were NOT vibing but he had heard of the guy, and is very upset to learn that he’s trying to get with Tang.
• He refuses to acknowledge the fact that they were dating and technically married before. Whenever he thinks about either Tang or Pigsy being in a relationship he starts convulsing. Mei is a supportive bestie and tries to help MK out with the murder attempts, but sadly none of this works :(
• MK is always on standby to chase the Mayor out of Pigsy’s Noodles with a broom. The Mayor practically has to throw the Skeleton Key at MK like it’s a baseball.
• I know a lot of people ship Freenoodles — myself included — but I need you to understand how much funnier this AU is if it’s not canon here. Now it’s not “Stop trying to get with my husband” but instead “My friend may be a lazy freeloader who has never known a day of hard labor in his life, but you’re STILL not good enough for him and I will sick my son-figure on you.”
• When MK learns he is the Monkey King’s successor, his first thought is that he can defeat DBK. His second thought is that maybe he can use this power to finally kill his dad-figure’s clingy ex.
