#gh0st-005

as a kid, i was food insecure. as an adult, i have an eating disorder (BED). currently realizing these things are very much related.

as a kid, i was often hungry because of a lack of food. i was also probably malnourished because we didn't have consistent access to healthy food. when we did have food i often gorged myself because i didn't know when we would have food again.

as an adult, i recognize hunger as the same feeling of being scared and afraid of not having access to food. to reassure myself, i eat large amounts so i'm sickeningly full, because im scared i won't have food later.

even if i tell myself i will have food later (i have a stable job and keep lots of non perishables for cooking), i still find the little kid in my brain can't rationalize that the food will be there later. they just know that they dont want to be hungry.

and it ends up in this bad cycle. i overeat. i try to diet and restrict my intake. the little kid in my brain freaks out and then eats a ton because they're scared that we wont have food ever again. they dont want to be hungry. (hunger = financial instability, anxiety, abuse, neglect, generally bad feelings).

i overeat again. i feel awful because i ate too much and i feel guilty because i need to lose weight. i restrict to try to lose weight. panic. overeating. guilt. restriction. panic. overeating... and so on.

what im going to try to do in order to work with my brain to not overeat is:

eat regular meals and snacks

sleep 8+ hours

try to relax when possible

engage in hobbies (destress)

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university student, pursuing my dreams! currently on a lighter summer semester, doing 5 credit hours and working part time.

academic SMART goals

time management: blocking out my study times on my calendar in order to study at least 10 hours each week outside of class. (reward: $30 gift card for dunkin)

stay organized: keep track of deadlines in calender and update with relevant information as needed. mark off each completed assignment. (reward: new fountain pen)

GPA >3.8: maintain a 3.8 or higher for the summer semester. (reward: new waterbottle)

attendance: only miss a maximum of two classes for the semester unless it is an emergency. (reward: new jacket)

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recovering from binge eating disorder <3 i have gained an unhealthy amount of weight and am working on repairing my relationship with food and being less depressed! i am also currently trying to lose weight until i am a healthy weight for my height (looking to lose about 180lbs).

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please don't interact if you are an ana/mia blog. while my goal is to lose weight, i don't want to see a lot of restriction content as i find it very triggering.

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"ghostie" - 18 - they/them

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@gh0st-005-studies - studyblr