#getnotes

It’s 8:56 P.M, I am sitting alone here in this hospital room. I couldn’t look at my face, it’s all bruised up and I look horrible. You’re probably sound asleep now since you told me you didn’t get enough sleep last night. It’s been 27 hours and 58 minutes since I heard your voice. I miss it. I miss you. I’m hoping you’ll wake up suddenly, and I’m staring off into space trying hard not to bombard you with calls. Writing about what I feel and the repression has always been a big help.

I was unconscious for seven hours and I had a dream— I wasn’t sure if it was a dream because it felt so real. Maybe a memory from a life that I had before this one, the life I didn’t know of. You were there, you were sitting on the greenest grass that I had ever seen. You looked beautiful, with the sun shining on your face and the wind blowing on your hair. You had this blissful look on your face and you smiled at me. I was surprised when you spoke in English, and not our native language. You said “You make me happy.” and it made my heart beat erratically.

Now, I’m wondering. Do I still make you happy? With all the struggles and the burden I had given you. Are you still happy? I wish I knew the answer to that. But I would never dare ask you, I’m scared of your response. I’m scared that you’ll say “No”.

If you somehow told me that you fell out of love with me. I wouldn’t believe you. I’ve never been the one to believe in falling out of love. I think it’s just that we forget. We forgot how we treated each other with respect and love. We forgot the times that we were happy with each other because we were focusing more on the bad days. We forgot our promises because we simply got tired. We got used to each other. Your heart simply forgot. It didn’t fell out of love.

Believe me, all I wanted was to leave. But I can’t. I know you want me to leave, you can yet you won’t. Because it’s still there. Yes you can get attached to someone else but it won’t be as great as our journey. It won’t be as great as the sacrifices we made. It won’t be great as our story. I still remember, but I’m slowly forgetting now. Will you promise not to let me forget?

Love,

It’s 12:41 A.M and I am missing you like crazy. I’m still at the funeral for my friend’s father. I’m sitting here, staring at the mourning relatives, people I don’t recognize. I’ve been looking at the woman sitting just beside the coffin. She looked…empty. She’s probably thinking about the responsibilities that she will bear alone, now that she’s a widow.

Not to be a stone cold malevolent, but I like to consider her lucky. She was her husband’s last love. The last woman that resided his heart when it stopped beating. She was his forever. I suddenly remembered you saying something about being scared of growing old alone. To be honest, I’m scared of growing old alone too. But I am more scared of growing old with someone else that is not you.

I had a wonderful control over my BPD today. There were so much urges to text you and call despite me being with my friends. Thoughts of you being happy or sleeping beside someone else—even if they’re a friend— came by, I admit it caused a little jealousy to pick up inside of me but not for that long. I just thought to myself, She’s having quality time with her friends and I’m happy she’s happy. She could use a break and so do I and that got me through the day but that doesn’t mean I don’t miss you.

I’m progressing. It’s not that much but bit by bit, I am slowly taking control again. I might never tell you about this little progressions because I know that you’re busy enough to have that luxury of time. But I’m writing it to you now. A fine addition to the letters that goes unread by you.

Love is hard, and losing someone you love is hard. Falling in love might be about letting go and letting fate take control. But the idea of falling in love is for pussies. The idea of loving, is not. Letting go and letting fate is for the cowardly, taking control is for the brave. It’s your life, it’s your heart. And today I realized, people shouldn't wait for their life to be over for them to decide to chase what they want.

If it’s worth it. Be brave enough to fight for it. Cherish it. Savour the feeling of being in control of your own fate because someday we’ll lose that control.

Our lives will eventually come to an end, and that’s the time that you let go.

Love,