#geraskier angst

Post mountain Jaskier getting captured and suddenly flowers blooming all over geralts body

Geralt just staring at his hands in horror as the flowers appear

It takes a while for Geralt to realize the music is gone. Oh Jaskier still sings- for their supper, for Ciri when she's sad, to entertain Kaer Morhen on late card playing nights. But the music- the music is gone. No more of the mindless humming as he walks, no more parsing over rhymes by the fire, no more harassing Geralt for his thoughts on such and such melody. Jaskier sings like a wind-up music box, only when requested, cranked for it, and snapping shut into silence like the sharp closing of a lid.

Yennefer snorts at his concern. "It took you this long to notice?"

Geralt grunts. She smiles, sharp and bitter. "You always were slow."

"How do I fix it?" Geralt snaps. He is not here to be mocked or play games.

"Can you fix it?" Yennefer asks. "I don't know."

Geralt doesn't know either. All he can do is try.

One of the mages had left a god's damned harpsichord in their tower room. It takes Geralt weeks- lugging the ornate monstrosity down from the mages tower, finding schematics in the library for the damn thing, undoing by sheer will the rot and moulding of a hundred years on the instrument. He spends his evenings waist deep in the guts of the instrument, swearing over chords and tuning and keys.

Jaskier's silence, now that he notices it, gapes like an open wound, bleeding wherever he goes. It stains memories of years past, of a cheerful smile and conversation given to him so freely, so easily, not a hint of subterfuge or awkwardness or fear. Now Jaskier only says good morrow if Geralt says it first, only speaks when spoken to, only smiles when Ciri is looking his way.

Geralt polishes the harpsichord until his fingers blister and his nose stings from the smell. He paints the elaborate carvings with pure gold leaf. He spends hours tightening strings trying to get the thing in tune. He worries over it like a child, because he doesn't know what else to do.

"What do you think?" He asks Eskel as they carry it carefully down to Jaskier's room.

"It's very nice." Eskel says diplomatically. "I'm sure he'll appreciate it."

"Appreciate it?" Geralt doesn't want appreciation. He wants that soft tone back in Jaskier's voice when he speaks to him. He wants Jaskier to speak to him, to turn to him free and easy with something to say.

"He'll like it," Eskel says, "Just-"

He turns, his soft eyes full of warning. "Just don't put all your hopes on an old harpsichord."

Lambert snorts, "Too little too late!" He laughs. And Lambert has always been hateful, more so since Aiden was lost, but the words feel true.

Jaskier smiles when he presents him with the harpsichord. He exclaims and laughs and claps his hands. He extolls its virtues, coos over its decorations, fusses over it with all the enthusiasm of a performing parrot. He pulls Ciri onto his lap and guides her hands on the keys, composes a little ditty on the fly for Yennefer, plays something sweet and sad that makes Lambert turn his face away. In all the merriment and gratitude and excitement, he looks Geralt in the eyes only once. Once, upon the first shock of the present. Once, with eyes wide and open, like a wound.

Geralt lingers as the others go off to bed, watching as Jaskier slowly fades as his audience wanes.

"Thank you, Geralt." he says. "It is truly a magnificent present. And far more than I deserve."

Do not thank me is what Geralt wants to say. Do not thank me, not when I have done this to you.

"I didn't do much," is what comes out of his mouth. "It was already there."

Jaskier does not look at him. "If this is an apology-" he says, "I do not need it. You were tired and upset. You spoke your mind. And nothing you said was- untrue. From a certain point of view. You do not need to absolve your guilt to me."

"Jaskier," Geralt says. "I'm sorry."

"And I forgive you." Jaskier says "I forgave you even the moment you after spoke. I don't think I would be myself if I could do otherwise."

It is done. The gift given, the apology accepted. And yet the silence still sits heavy in the air. It is not fixed. It is still broken. It is still out of tune and all of Geralt's twisting and tunings have not set the melody to rights.

"Why are you still like this?" He says. Jaskier stiffens. The words are wrong again, he's done it again, and he could scream with frustration, like a child who keeps swinging the sword and cutting himself on the dulled edge.

"Do you know the Countess de Stael bought me a Stradivarius once?" Jaskier said. "You don't know what that is. A fiddle, rarer than rubies. There were only twenty ever made. It sings like nothing else. She presented it to me on a bed of velvet, and told me she loved me. She told me to stay. And I would have."

Jaskier plinks a few idle notes. "She kicked me out a month later. Too mouthy. Too tacky. Too gauche. She had found someone better. She took back the Stradivarius and handed it off to her new minstrel."

Jaskier and Geralt are playflirting a lot more than they used to. Geralt allows more touches than normal. They had a heartfelt talk one inebriated night about intimacy and longing for someone to hold. Clearly, they're ready to move forward from friendship into romance, right? Geralt's finally caught wind of Jaskier's hints and is dropping his own? Geralt gave him a custom ring the other day! They're clearly about to embrace each other and make out wildly and it'll be the best day of Jaskier's life! Even if Geralt had just grunted when Jaskier confessed, Jaskier would prefer it to Geralt being disgusted and hating him forever. Jaskier finally plucks up the courage one night to tell Geralt how he feels. Jaskier picks wildflowers and makes a clumsy bouquet, and ties it together along with a handwritten poem about how much Jaskier loves Geralt, and how beautiful he finds him. He finds Geralt sat by the fire, and Jaskier stares at his back for a moment, before clearing his throat, and softly asking Geralt what Geralt thinks about love. Geralt speaks of grief, and loss, and pain. About how it's not worth it in the end. Jaskier is heartbroken but he laughs it off and hides the bouquet deep in his bags. He goes to bed early, and prays that Geralt can't smell his soul-crushing devastation.

Geralt is beginning to panic. Jaskier and him have been flirting, and Jaskier touches him more and for longer, and That One Talk they had that night. But everyone to ever love Geralt has died. Quite horribly. Sometimes by his own hand. He can't love Jaskier, for it'll end with his bard's beautiful lively blue eyes unseeing as he lays dead on the ground. He has nightmares about it for four nights straight. One night, he's poking around at the fire at camp when Jaskier from behind him asks him what he thinks of love. He gives his honest answer. Loving Geralt just isn't worth it. It always ends with pain and heartache.

ive been mostly dragon age brainrotting/posting lately but ohhhh show geralt and jaskier you’re my favorite doomed yaoi

“I said I think that you're special

You told me once that I'm selfish.

And I kissed you hard in the dark

In the closet.”

Ohhh the things I think in my thinky brain. Like, obviously, first thing that comes to mind is the mountaintop squabble, yknow? A grieving, hurting bard, quietly asking Geralt if he wants to leave all of this behind, go to the coast for awhile, and then- ultimately getting so heavily shrugged off, despite years of being so horribly devoted to Geralt, just so the witcher can go fuck his wife and then have things go horribly wrong afterward. He says it, he shows it, Geralt is so special and Jaskier is- shoveling shit.

It’s such an easy connection to make, but also, Jaskier dragging Geralt to the ceremony in the first place- while he claims it’s for protection, and it mostly was, I’m sure, but also.. What if it was also just.. an attempt to let Geralt come into his world? Jaskier trying to let his favorite witcher stay in a warm bed with warm food and let him get off the road and instead protect his small fry from a court, yknow?

I also personally think that around this time might’ve also been when they first started messing around, if you believe they messed around at all before the heartbreak that is the mountain. Kissing him hard, in the dark, in the closet,, the bard lying with a witcher he knows doesn’t adore him the same way he adores him, but still doing it. Hard, and in the dark, and.. probably in a bedroll.

“You said my music is mellow

Maybe I'm just exhausted.

You think you're a good person

Because you won't punch me in the stomach.

And I love you

I don't know why

I just do.”

Obviously telling someone that their singing is like ordering a fillingless pie isn’t the same as telling them their music is mellow, but my point still stands. Geralt thinks he’s a good person- because there’s no lesser or greater evil, Geralt’s a good person, he’s great, evil is evil and he’s not subscribing to that bullshit, thanks. (I know it’s more Nuanced than that, especially in the books, but sadly we’re dealing with the absolute.. thing Geralt is in the show, adored or not)

Geralt did in fact punch Jaskier in the stomach. This is Jaskier consuming massive amounts of copium (/j) and definitely not also a throwback to the Renfri debacle and how he got the title “Butcher of Blaviken” which Jaskier oh so kindly called him before getting punched in the gut. I do also think that in this context that just meaning “because you won’t physically mistreat/neglect me” could be.. really interesting, especially under the lens of this being a slightly newer affair.

At the start of their friendship Geralt most likely did neglect/hurt Jaskier, but less in an evil “he likes kicking sad wet bards” way and in a “he wants this weird fucking bard who doesn’t really seem to respect his space and desires to fuck off, and also doesn’t really know how to deal with companionship/non-witchers” way. Think.. giving Jaskier the wrong herbs for certain aches, not noticing his boots giving out after not letting him ride their horse, shit like that.

Things he learned and then remedied, perhaps in excess, but things that definitely stick around- and Jaskier loves him, anyways, even if this all hurts. Even if this entire song is this aching, sensitive thing.

“But you're not special, you're evil

You don't get to tell me to calm down

You make me feel like an equal

But I'm better than you

And you should know that by now.”

This song? It feels like a more genuine, heart wrenching Burn, Butcher, Burn. Something not born out of righteous anger, but something much worse. Geralt isn’t special, he’s evil. He’s not choosing the lesser or the greater evil, he’s- just as bad, for simply refusing that moral decision and then.. taking it out on everyone else, on some level.

Also just Jaskier trying to lash out in the same way he did in the canon break up song, yknow? Just trying to hurt, get a reaction, because at this point anything is better than several years of this bullshit- so, Geralt isn’t special. He’s evil. If the fucker ever returns, he better not try and get him to simmer his damn emotions because they’re fair and righteous and- ohhh, I have so many feelings about this.

Especially with the idea of like.. Jaskier having never really shared this song, or if he did, it never really got as popular. It’s a tad too relatable, a tad too quiet, a soft little thing that hurts too much. Burn, Butcher, Burn has something in it that’ll help it spread like fucking wildfire, whereas this- well. Imagine how Jaskier feels when he’s hugged, when he’s taken from the cell after experiencing hell itself for the witcher he- calling back to previous lyrics- he still loves, and he doesn’t know why.

He’s better than him. He is, and he knows this now, standing in that damn cell, helping Geralt despite it all, he’s fucking better than anyone ever, actually, fuck you. But there was a time where he felt equal to someone he looked up to, someone he knew he could trust- he was a run-away Viscount’s son, a barely-legal bard in a poor bar when he met Geralt. There’s no fucking way that man ever felt equal to anyone ever, and yet- Geralt managed, with their time together, and now.. well, Jaskier’s always seen with some damn liquor, torture hardly acknowledged, trying to help get elves to safety and now a princess he blames himself for, trying to fucking- help the woman that had a hand in that damned night. He’s a better man than even he knew, and Geralt should know that by now- and I think Geralt does.

Geralt’s known since he went down that damn mountain all by himself, but now? While he gets to hold Jaskier in that cell, he knows Jaskier is better than he is. And maybe that’s one of the reasons why he’s so distant despite everything, that lack of closeness during those episodes were him trying to give Jaskier space. He just went through hell for him and Ciri, the two having not seen each other in years because Geralt had his head too far up his ass and Vesemir never taught him how to deal with feelings like that, dammit, or any at all. He wants to make things better, make it up to him, but.. oh, he just went through so damn much, and Geralt likes distance, so he gave the bard distance- not cold, uncaring distance, but distance all the same. The kind that comes with trusting him with his child, in the keep, with everything, with his need for help. He puts himself back in Jaskier’s hands, even if the bard doesn’t realize it fully.

“When you fell down the stairs

It looked like it hurt and I wasn't sorry.

I shoulda left you right there

With your hostages, my heart and my car keys.

You don't know me.”

An ever changing song, something private and close- little additions, as Jaskier grows and hurts and aches something awful. Still bitter, still hurting, feelings left unresolved- but still helping, anyways. He’s not sorry. Or, really, He- is, but not really for Geralt, but for everyone, as a whole. The dead witchers, those who are alive, the princess, hell- even Yennefer, all those damn hostages, victims of a destiny Geralt had claimed all on his own, it wasn’t fucking- Jaskier who made him claim the Law of Suprise, dammit. He’s tired of taking on that burden, and yet he always has. Not anymore, yet still, he helps.

Of course he does. He still tries to help, with a hurt hand and a stronger dependence on alcohol, suddenly and horribly uprooted and rehomed, most likely unwelcome back in Oxenfurt since he was Jail-broke. He’s not this sniveling, high brow cunt like everyone seemed to think- he’s still a bit of a damn coward, and he’s clumsy and completely out of it, but he’s not an idiot. He’s a spy of sorts, a smuggler of elves, he went to university for fucks sake- no one in that damn keep knows him, not even Geralt, and yet, he helps anyways.

“I wanna be happy

I'm ready

To walk into my room without looking for you.

I'll go up to the top of our building

And remember my dog when I see the full moon.”

I haven’t. Watched S3 yet, sadly, but I do kind of like to think about Radovid and like.. what little I know about the season here. He seems a lot more comfortable with himself, his queer identity, I’m fairly sure Geralt owns up to more of what happened, the whole gay arc with him and Radovid- Jaskier wants to be happy, and he’s ready to move on, but,,

I don’t think he can. Not permanently. He can sleep with Kings or whatever as much as he’d like, but at the end of the day, Geralt, Yennefer, and Ciri are all right there. He’ll never not look around and find them, and it’s not- a bad thing, it’s just.. incredibly sobering to think about, I’m sure.