MARA BANKS LOOKS FUCKING BORED. she’s not, she’s hanging onto every word like it’s the last she’ll ever hear, but for now, her sole task is looking the part of the uninvolved. she’s doing good, too. it’s what a lifetime of being told off will do for you. she’s learned to take a beating, learned to play dead. the only time you’re ever that fuckin’ quiet, jack’d said under his breath once, is when you’re thinkin’ about your next move. in other words, it’s a warning sign, an unmistakable omen that retaliation will be hastily planned, and almost certainly lacking in logic. mara sucks in a breath between her teeth, palms pressed to the nook of her hips. a look away from noah, a look back when the silence is long enough to make her seem well - composed. ❝ did that feel as good for you as you always thought it would? ❞ she blinks, and silently congratulates herself on the steadiness of her voice as she goes on.
❝ look, i want you to know i’m happy for you. for him, too. ❞ she jerks her head to one side, lips pursed into a vague line. him, him, him : she wills away the image of him, unplugging neon memories. this fight was forfeited a while ago. still, logan’s skin lies under her fingernails, wounds of her own stitched up shakily. they’re getting good at saying hello again. mara’s figured out how to smile kindly but not warmly, and she knows not to call him the same instinctual pet names anymore. this doesn’t mean that every time she holds her tongue, it doesn’t open up the stitches a little more. NOAH GETS TO SEE ALL THE GORE. mara tears her sorry guts out and tosses them at noah’s feet — she thinks about showing her heart ( YOU SEE? I’VE GOT ONE, TOO! ), charred but beating all the same, and swallows her pride instead. ❝ i am. you’re good for each other. ❞ her voice skips over a laugh, small like an inside joke : GOOD LIKE CELEBRITY CAR CRASHES AND PHOTOGRAPHERS BELONG TOGETHER, good in the way things shouldn’t be. mara nods, nearly convincing herself of her own honesty.
NEARLY : there is no sense she’s found in logan and noah. this is less noah’s fault and more logan’s, which, when she thinks about it, is her own fault ( so, she doesn’t think about it, not in any specific memory. she smashes rose - colored glass onto the floor and cuts herself with the shards, telling herself only the stories of logan that she wants to hear. ). ❝ it’s just a real god damn shame that when life hits you one day, you are both totally fucked. ❞ if there was ever a topic for her to speak on. ❝ you think it’s gonna last, because why wouldn’t it, and the first couple years kick the ass out of everybody else you’ve ever even thought of dating. but then every year on, it gets a little bit worse. you get less excited to see each other, and you stop hanging out with each other like you used to, and you have to start making up excuses for why you don’t wanna fuck anymore, until one morning, you wake up and realize you’re unhappy as fuck. ‘cause this isn’t what you wanted. and yeah, maybe some couples could get through that shit together, but i don’t know about you guys. i just don’t know. ❞ she shakes her head slowly, smug ambiguity her weapon of choice : even if she and logan were doomed from the beginning, is that much worse than having love called into question far too late?
