#geniushour

Bear run cycle.

Wanted to change the banner for this blog.

Genius girl #genius #geniusotome #geniushour #genius #geniusoflove #geniusbaby #geniusatwork #geniusatwork https://www.instagram.com/p/CeMk--JDE5z/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

*** I just need some s p a c e ...

Recently, I was inspired by seeing some older photos from when my parents were kids. I liked the idea of older looking photos. I went to one of my favorite places in California, Ventura, and decided to bask in the beauty of the scenes around me. I tried to find locations that really made me realize how special Ventura is. Once I had found the images I wanted, I edited them to make them appear older and more aesthetically pleasing, if you will. To achieve this, I lowered the exposure and contrast, and I raised the shadows and highlights. In addition, I raised the tint and warmth of the photos, and lowered the clarity to give that “low quality picture of high quality things” vibe that feels so nostalgic to me for a unknown reason. Once I finished that, I concluded by raising the vignette.

I feel like I’m just falling into a black hole. My life has become this bottomless pit that I continue to descend. I feel so much of my life slipping and spilling down the drain. Not even just my happiness, but my sadness has taken a leave as well. I feel numb, empty, cold. I feel detached of emotions. I’m stuck living a lie. I have no idea where I’m going, and I don’t even know how I’d get there if I did. I’m watching my life as a movie. I’m sitting in the dark audience, watching, reacting. I’m not actually involved. People pass my by, and I’m just stuck going nowhere. I don’t know how I ended up this way. I think I used to be happy. Or I at least used to feel something. Now I’m just floating through life with what feels like no purpose or drive. That fire that was within me has burnt out; my spark has died. I don’t even know what gets me up in the morning. I think the only thing that gets me out of bed is that if I make through the day I can always go back to bed. Life is short, and I can accept that. Life can feel long, and I’m not sure how to feel about that. It feels like life is going by too fast and too slow at the same time. All I know is that humanity is irrelevant and insignificant. We are meaningless specks of dust in a universe of infinitely more important matters. Nothing any human will do will even scratch the surface of true meaning. That’s because humans created problems and solutions only for other humans. Humanity is greedy and corrupt, and I used to think otherwise not too long ago. I thought it was hope or faith or whatever else bullshit philosophy that has no meaning that people put their blind trust in. I used to have faith. I believed in humanity, and I thought we were capable of amazing things. Now I see I was just ignorant.The thing about life is it’s too short to be miserable. On the other hand, life’s too long to be happy. And I’m convinced that once you find your true serenity, you leave this Earth.

I don’t even know where I’m going. I don’t even know how I’m supposed to get there. I feel so empty inside. There’s this this inescapable void in my chest that just keeps getting bigger. I’m being sucked into the black hole inside me, and I can’t get out. And there’s no one around me to save me either. I’m completely alone. Everyone has left me, and now I’m just by myself. And I’m standing on the edge with my toes just barely hanging over the massive plummet, and I can’t bring myself to step back. I’m sitting here in class thankful to whatever God exists that I decided to wear a hat today to hide my face and my eyes that fill with tears thinking about how miserable I am on this cruel earth. I’m so stuck and I can’t leave. I have my earphones in and blast the music because that’s the only thing I can try that seems to tune out the voices of the people around me. And I’m trying so hard not to cry, but I feel this dam being broken inside me and I can’t stop this wave of sadness that just washes over me.. I can’t remember what true happiness feels like. I used to be okay with being alone. And I didn’t mind the stress in my life  because that made the happy moments that much more enjoyable. I don’t know if happiness even exists anymore. I don’t even know  what more I can say. Every single person around me makes me sick to my stomach. I feel a chill roll over my body and all my hair stands up. I could disappear and no one in this room would notice I’m gone. I serve no purpose. I mean nothing to anyone. I‘m just a random kid they see for an hour in history. I don’t know; maybe it’s the fact that I haven’t taken my antidepressant in a while. For the most part, I fall asleep before I can take it. All I want to do is sleep, play soccer, and run track. Because even if I’m not always 100% satisfied in soccer or track, at least my brain is tricked into being happy with the neuro-chemical response to exercise. The people nearest me kill any fraction of joy I have left. On the off chance they actually give a shit about me, they ask me how I’m doing. It’s like I can’t even get a one word answer out before they cut me off to talk to each other about themselves. I don’t matter to them. We aren’t friends. They ask me how I feel or how I’m feeling, but they don’t ask because they actually want to hear a response. They do it to feel better about themselves. They seem me as some sort of charity. And when they ask me how I’m doing, they do it to feel better about themselves. They pity me. Everyone pities me. They seem me es this loser with no friends who wanders the halls aimlessly during lunch because she has no real place to go and no group to call home. I feel like a stranger in my own home. And It breaks my heart, and I wish it didn’t. I wish I couldn’t feel anything. I’d  rather feel nothing at all than have the chance of feeling happy with the guarantee of sadness.  

Wish You Were Gay - Billie Eilish