#gender speculation

I know for a fact that I’m not trans. I don’t feel entirely male, but I am definitely not a female. THAT I know. But lately I’ve been thinking. I’ve been using non binary as a general term to describe myself and I’ve asked to be called they/them because she/her just doesn’t cut it.

Problem is I love being mistaken for a man. Or rather, I love wearing traditionally feminine stuff, like pink and frills and cute skirts and dresses. But I also love sporting those outfits with a traditionally masculine frame. Like, I’ve always loved being super tall and brooding, I love talking in a deeper voice whenever I can and I just feel so much better “manspreading“ and just generally acting very “un-feminine”.

I am so unsure though, Idk if I wanna go with a they/him pronouns because it’s so very fluctuating and fluid from day to day. Rn, in this very moment he/him feels really good referring to myself as. But at the same time I really don’t know and I’m so unsure and slightly scared I guess.

I just wish stuff like this were easier to word and easier to understand. I am so bad with wording stuff, especially when I am in a duracell-rabbit-on-speed kinda mindset (which is my brain almost 24/7). Idk I might change my pronouns but I guess I just need to think about it. I have difficult with big changes like this, things I know will make a huge impact on my life.

If I’m gonna try summarize it: I love cute pastelly things and bright colours. I love frilly skirts and dresses and adorable prints. That’s who I am and who I express. However I also love being traditionally masculine and that’s a thing I act like naturally; the way I talk and act and do has always been like that. And I love to be mistaken for a male. It made me happy back when I dressed in baggy pants and had short hair, and it makes me still happy to make people confused as to what I am. That’s also who I am.

Ugh I don’t feel like I’m actually making any sense anymore. Maybe I should’ve rather written this down in my Book of Thoughts (I refuse to call it a diary/journal, that’s way too much pressure), but I felt like if I write it down online maybe someone out there in the same or similar situation sees this and’ll reach out to me to talk. A subconscious or semiconscious reach for myself to have someone to speak with that actually understand my feelings fully.