#gblog

Time flies. The curtains have also closed on the long LASTVISUALIVE tour, with the Saitama Super Arena 2DAYS shows held on July 2 and 3. To all of you, the many LOVERS who celebrated my birthday with me on both days, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. Also, to the LOVERS who couldn’t come but still sent me lots of love, thank you to you, too.

Thank you so much. Time passes without my notice. He was older than me by a year, but he’s much younger than me now. “Times flies. It’s been 17 years already… I’ve turned 43 this year.”

I spilled words before him.

I used to think, in my mid-twenties, that, “There’s no meaning to a birthday anymore…” 

However, once I reached my mid-thirties, the meaning and importance of growing older echoed louder and louder in my heart, bit by bit.

Overseas, it’s often said that, “Age is just a number.” But I don’t think so. It’s a very important figure that speaks of how you continued running for those number of years to get to this point.

Those who go big on life would probably never think that age is just a number or whatever. 

Before we had the final show, we celebrated the end of the hall tour with two shows in my hometown, Okinawa. I arrived a few days before the Okinawa shows, and for three hours under the blazing hot sun, my 30 crew members, dancers, staff members and I cleaned my family’s grave.

It’d been a while since I’d gone back after all, so I decided that I wanted to clean the grave and get myself sorted out before the shows.

And, since my crew members and dancers were going to help me out with that, they too came to Okinawa a few days before the show.

To be honest, it was laughable how drenched in sweat and how frantic we were getting in the three hours that followed the start of cleaning.

It isn’t normal to get all worked up like this over cleaning. However, it really was funny how we were desperately cleaning even the tiniest bit of dirt. 

There’s also one other thing; that it created comaraderie between all of us, and we could give the best performance ever in my hometown, Okinawa. 

Personally, performing here in Okinawa meant a great deal to me.

Previously, when I came to Okinawa seven years ago for my visualive tour, my grandmother was in bad shape, and she was supported all the way to the show venue. And, after the show had ended, she said, “Gaku’s fans are watching, I can’t let him down!” And she walked right on, out of the venue, all by herself. That was my extremely proud grandmother. I really loved her, that grandmother of mine. 

And, I wanted her to watch this visualive performance, too. I wanted to give her my all.

But, her body couldn’t hold out this long. Last year, she left us, at 105 years old.

“She’s definitely in the venue, somewhere, watching you… She’s happy, I bet.”

My tears flowed at these nonchalant words from my sister.

After we had cleaned the grave, I realise, year after year, that the significance of putting your hands together in prayer to your ancestors gets deeper and deeper.

It was a strange feeling.

At the end, when I put my hands together to pay my respects, and tried to convey my thoughts and feelings, words would not come to me in my head, strangely.

In fact, I felt like a gaping hole had opened up…. It was so bad, it made me wonder, “Is this what it means to be blank…” I just stood there with my hands together, nothing coming to mind. 

It’s not like there was anything in particular I had to say. It’s just that, putting my hands together in prayer with nothing in my head was a very strange feeling.

After that, I watched everyone put their hands together, from behind them, and the thought, “How long will I be able to do this, I wonder…” crossed my mind.

After everyone had paid their respects, I was asked to say a few words, but I could not put my thoughts into words. But when I looked up at the sky, for some reason, it came to me that the word I was looking for was ‘family’.  

“Family.”

We’re not a family just because we spent the entirety of a rigorous tour together. Pouring sweat, at times, pouring blood, making sacrifices to achieve our objectives, running towards the same goal together. 

When put into words, it might sound easy, but persisting in repeating that process everyday, keeping your spirits lifted, is actually difficult.

My right-arm and the oldest one amongst us is MASA-G, and I still remember, very clearly, the words he said to me before.

This happened right after the 2011 earthquake, when we still didn’t have full understanding of the conditions of the affected areas, when we still had no clue what the effects of the radiation were or whatever. He bought supplies and then headed out to the affected areas to deliver them. 

“Young Lord[1], yanno, I really feel like this makes me a part of your family. A household and a family are different. A household is made up of people you share the same blood with. A family is made up people willing to spill their own blood for their loved ones. Well then, I’m off now… I’ll send your love to [the victims].”

This happened while we were working day and night, right after that horrifying earthquake. The situation is different here and now, but the people who make it through rough times with me; they become my family, now. 

And, we ended the tour safely.

I don’t know if I can really say ‘safely’ because we barely made it. But my body held out somehow. I was hanging on by sheer willpower, at the end.

I don’t know if it’s because I hit the peak of fatigue and then went beyond it, or maybe there were some other factors coming into play, but my skin and my insides were taking a real beating. But, it was no time for whining. In any case, I just kept telling myself, “a few more songs left…” Summoned all my strength and kept strong. And, when we were approaching the end, I used up all my strength and then collapsed.

There’s something I decided for myself a long time ago. “If I ever have to stop half-way through a show, I’ll retire immediately.”

I can be up on the stage as long as I have that sole resolve. Which is precisely why I take my training and my self-care so seriously. Because if I don’t, this body of mine is going to go bad real fast.

My body was never strong, to begin with. When I young, I was in the hospital a lot. 

Back then, I thought to myself, “Why am I the only one whose body is so weak?” I even resented my parents for that.

But now, there are times I even feel thankful for my body’s weakness. It’s only because I’m weak that there’re many things I understand.

It’s because of this body, that I can face every day with the determination to do whatever I need to do. If I ease up on this lifestyle, it’s gonna go bad real fast. 

I know my own weaknesses.

Up till I was 19, I blamed my inactivity, my various failures, my laziness and whatever, on my body’s weakness. 

It’s different now. It’s because my body is weak that I can understand the feelings of the weak. It’s because I’m weak, that I am painfully aware that I have to work hard, and that allows me to push on. If I don’t manage my diet properly, my body’s going to go bad real quick. If I develop the habit of just eating whatever I like, my body’s going to go bad in a blink of an eye. 

I bet, people with strong bodies don’t go head-to-head with their bodies like this. 

Maybe for a while, they might try to diet or something, but they wouldn’t restrict their diets or whatever for over 20 years. They would eat what they want, when they want. If they gained weight, they’d just have to lose a little… That’s probably it.

I bet, if my body were strong, I would be living like that too. I think it’s only natural.

I still remember the thoughtless remark a friend made a long time ago.

As a substitute for breakfast, I take a whole load of vitamins and mineral suppliments, and I drink juice, made with my slow juicer. When my friend saw that, he laughed and said to my face,

“Ahahaha, what are you, a rabbit?”

He wasn’t trying to hurt me when he said that, I’m sure. 

But, when I took a look at myself, I realised sadly that I was like a rabbit.

Even now, when friends visit before I begin training, and they see my breakfast, they’ll definitely say,

“Is that all you’re having?”

Yes, this is all. I’ve come 23 years like this, not taking too many meals, my body always lacking something or other. 

There are many things I restrict myself from even now. I don’t think it’s strange at all. Recently, there’s this new diet that’s an easier version of my own, and it’s called the “Silicon Valley Diet” or something. People call it the most cutting edge diet.

If you ask me, the fact that humans are always lacking something, is just perfect.

That’s not just in terms of food, but also in terms of maintaining our passion for our goals. If we were all fulfilled, we would lose our hunger for improvement. We’d become content.

That’s why, I’m fine with this. I’m fine with this body. I’m fine with how I live my life.

I started thinking this way ever since I turned 30. And now, at 43, I can praise myself even more than I did last year.

Bit by bit, I lose the hate, and I live with my head up instead. And, many of my friends, my family, celebrate me the way I am.

There’s nothing that makes me happier than that.

The day after my birthday, I put my hands together at his grave, and the words flowed again.

“It’s been 17 years already…”

“Success is not a destination, but the road that you’re on. Being successful means that you’re working hard and walking your walk every day. You can only live your dream by working hard towards it. That’s living your dream.”

I’m going to work hard. Because there are things I still have to do. 

GACKT

I’ve gotten to where I am, in a blink of an eye.

Looking back, the time I spent between my last birthday and now, I was tied up with work on the LAST VISUALIVE and everything related to it.

And now, we’re heading towards the end of the LAST VISUALIVE’s Japan tour.

Thanks to the help from my strong teammates, we were able to get all the preparations done to move the cancelled Kumamoto show to Kagoshima yesterday.

For real, my teammates are always helping me out. I’m really grateful. People can’t live their whole lives leaning on someone, but, you can’t live your whole life alone either.

When you stand your ground, for example even through the tough times, if you just grit your teeth and run through it, when you glance to the side, you’ll realise that there’s others also gritting their teeth, the same as you, and running beside you.

When that happens, you somehow feel sympathetic, and you acknowledge each other. And, they’ll lend you their strength, and they’ll become a dear friend. This happens a lot.

And when you push on even further, just slightly up ahead the road are your mentors in your life, smiling and waving at you.

It’s not like they’re the ones pulling us forward, per say. It’s just that we’re their mentee’s, and now that we’ve gotten to this point, they smile and say, “great job”.

Each and every one of their words are incredibly warm, and, they make me realise that, this point I’ve arrived at—it’s not the goal, but the start line.

Those mentors in my life, they also teach me how best to continue running, and sometimes give me kick-starts and pep talks.

Their words are harsh, and they really hit home, so there are times I feel like their words are cutting me.

But, if you can acknowledge that they don’t give these talks to just anyone, and you listen to whatever they say with an open mind, you will naturally find yourself with an open heart.

“But do I do that for others as well?”

You’ll wonder, and you’ll be surprised at the answer.

Life really is just surprise after surprise. And before you realise it, you’re at my age.

I really do feel like I was just 26 years old a few days ago.

Life passes in a blink of an eye. Which is why, you’ve got to live your life without regrets.

I’m often told that I, “live life fast”.

Personally, I’ve never once thought that about myself. I’m not living life fast. In fact, it’s the people who say that about me that seem to think life stretches on forever.

If one found out they were going to die a year from now, I wonder how they would spend their remaining time? I live my life like that.

Before I hit 30, I lived life thinking it was going to end at 30. I still remember what they told me, when I was a young, sickly boy. To talk about that story in detail will take a while, so I’ll leave it for another time. But, before I turned 30, I was really scared of dying. Death is such a vague concept, and I wanted to put some clarity to it, so I think about it quite a bit. I’ve written a lot of works that has death as a theme, as well.

And so, when I had my 30th birthday, I met a new me.

All my fears about that day disappeared.

“I’ve managed to live this long...” Nerve-wrecking thoughts that once seized my chest, disappeared. And from then on, I decided in my heart that I’d, “do whatever I can do, whatever I want to do, all of it.” So the end could come for me whenever, and I’d be fine with it.

That was the beginning of the rest of my life. Calculating it now, the 13th Year of the rest of my life is coming up.

People might think I’m living my life recklessly. But, personally, I enjoy this lifestyle of mine.

Great pain, Great fun, and no matter what kind of troubles came, I kept running, with the conviction that when I looked back on it, they’d have turned into funny stories to laugh about.

My body is battered all over, and the pain in my back isn’t something I can be optimistic about.

But, this pain, is my fortune.

Ogata Ken, who’s passed away, suffered from cancer his entire life, and he said this to me.

“Do not treat the pain in your body as an enemy. Accept it as a part of yourself, and walk on with it. This is life.”

I think I understand those words Dad said to me, a bit more, now.

It’s been a while since I’ve been in Okinawa, and the ocean breeze feels amazing.

“Don’t be afraid of death; be afraid of an unlived life. Death is always at our side. When we show fear, it jumps at us faster than light, but if we do not show fear, it casts its eye upon ys gently and then guides us into infinity...”

Now then, I’m going to visit a grave.

GACKT

My body’s all worn out, but I can’t sleep at all. Maybe my immunity is failing, ‘cause I’ve got eczema, and the pain throughout my body isn’t easing up. In any case, the nights are long.

“What will you do after this tour?” I’ve been asked this question a lot recently. Honestly, I’ve got nothing in mind right now.

What I’ve gotta do right now is end this tour safely. I’d decided to think about what comes after only after the tour ends.

Honestly, it’s more than just once or twice that I’ve thought tours are physically straining. I’ve thought to myself that I want to end this tour quickly, but in reality, when the tour’s end is right before my eyes, an indescribable loneliness wells up within me.

In the the time taken to get to this point, from the rigorous training in the morning every day, leading to the review sessions late in the night, really sinking their teeth into it are the band members, the dancers, and I believe they feel the same way I do.

There are nine places left.

Everyone’s bodies were already in pretty good condition, and they pushed on during the tour, without faltering once. Right now, everyone has really beautiful physiques.

Not one person slacks off, and we’ve come this far cheering each other on. And even the scoldings I give, it’s all because I want to show you a better world.

When your body and spirit is the best it can be, your work quality improves. You can deliver your best. When I put it into words, it sounds easy, but in reality, it requires a ridiculous amount of time and perseverance.

If we want to cut corners, there are plenty of corners to cut. But if I’d wanted to just put on a funny little show, there wouldn’t be a need for me to do this much.

Everyone’s become almost obsessed, with not wanting to lose to other artists, with this world they can be wholeheartedly proud of, with becoming the greatest performers in that world. They’ve given what they think is their best efforts very generously.

Which is why I can say this. We are, “The best, the strongest family.”

There are lots of staff members who’ve followed us on this hectic schedule. The journey of a concert tour is never easy.

Each person has a different responsibility, and we all have duties we must fulfil.

This also sounds like a sure thing, but as you get further on in the journey, it’s not strange at all to see people start slacking off. In fact, when you have this many people, you could even say it’s normal that people start to cut corners or lose their sense of urgency.

In the past, there were people who I thought shared the same beliefs as me, but I was betrayed by them.

They’d lost their sense of urgency somewhere along the way, but the source or the reason behind that is probably because they met me, GACKT. Just being nice to people isn’t going work. That’s one thing I’ve learned in these 17 years.

Right now, at any one time, [my members and dancers] have this pride from always being associated with GACKT, they have a sense of responsibility, a self-consciousness, a sense of pride that they belong to this family. The pressure that comes with being able to proudly say that, I see in my teammates right now.

The other day, at the show venue, I held a surprise all-team drug test.

When you hear those words, you’d expect a heavy and tense atmosphere to be drifting about on the scene, but it was the opposite.

They all said it. “We’re not the kind of family that does stupid things like that.”

The atmosphere was, instead, full of laughter, and it was a weird sight to behold.

My friends, my staff, my teammates and team members… It’s not that I don’t trust them. In fact, it’s precisely because I trust them that I can pull these surprises at any time.

We will not betray you.

Drugs are, from my point of view, nothing but a betrayal.

Even the trend of the the media tying artists and celebrities to drugs upsets and distresses me.

However, if artists or sports players actually do get caught with drugs, it’s really fucking irritating.

“People fucking look up to you, dammit!!”

How many achievements that person has in their life, or how great a person they are, none of it matters any more.

They’d have betrayed their fans who’d supported them.

Basically, there needs to be a strong sense of trust built between the artist and the fan.

We are desperately—every single day, right until the show starts— desperately exercising our flesh and spirit. Because we will not betray your expectations of us.

No, rather, your expectations of us, and how far we can exceed them is a part of GACKT, and also of the people associated with GACKT.

That is GACKTJOB’s—GACKT Family’s—unspoken rule. On top of this, our family’s unity strengthens further.

Now then, as much as possible, I’m going to go full-throttle on the remaining lives, even if this body of mine stops moving.

“Respect is earned. Honest is appreciated. Trust is gained. Loyalty is returned. I am GACKT.”

Wait for me. Your greatest smiles, for the greatest piece of work I will deliver to you.

GACKT