#gat2

For once the assignment that they were given in glee club was actually easy for Puck. He didn’t have to put much thought into what he was going to sing that week. He really didn’t have to think of it at all. It was pretty simple. And he was sort of cheating. Because it was supposed to be singing to one person without actually singing to them but he was sort of picking a song that was, in a way, to two different people in his life.

Since Schue started giving them assignments in advance instead of springing it on them the first day of the week in their meeting it was easy for him to get everything set up with their little band- and he really needed to learn some of their fucking names instead of resorting to 'hey you' to address them when he was talking to them. It would make shit so much easier for him that way. But he just never remembered to actually ask. But anyway, the point was that he had gotten things organized with them pretty easily so they could play while he played his guitar and sing.

That was why the first day that Schue asked if any of them had their songs ready Puck raised his hand and held it up briefly before standing up from his seat. Sometimes he still couldn’t stand singing in glee club. But sometimes singing was, you know, therapeutic or whatever. So sometimes he had to admit he enjoyed it.

"I sort of cheated on this one," he admitted as he made his way over to pick up his guitar. "Its sort of a song to two people, I guess. But whatever. You didn’t say that it had to be to just one person." And that was true. Schue hadn’t put that restriction on them so maybe it wasn’t really cheating. Whatever. Even if it was he still was doing the assignment so it wasn’t like Schue could complain. Especially when he was on people about not doing their assignments at all.

Adjusting his guitar he glanced at the band, nodded his head slightly towards them to let them know he was ready and then looked back at the group. Without him even meaning for it to happen his eyes landed on Rachel for a moment before he turned his gaze away.

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again? And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face? And will you never try to reach me? It is I that wanted space Hate me today Hate me tomorrow Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you Hate me in ways Yeah ways hard to swallow Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

Anyone with half of a functioning brain cell in their heads would know that Puck was singing about Rachel even if he would never say it out loud. He probably wouldn’t admit it even if they sort of held a gun to his head. He would deny it vehemently, question why he would sing to Rachel of all people. And really? Why would he? How sad would that be? To sing to his ex-girlfriend? Okay, so yeah, people sing to their exes sometimes but he just didn’t see the point in admitting he had fallen into that cliché of a person singing for someone they dated and then broke up with. It was lame and pathetic.

I’m sober now for 3 whole months it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won’t touch again In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind Hate me today Hate me tomorrow Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you Hate me in ways Yeah ways hard to swallow Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

And the truth was that he was also singing to his mother. Yes, that was a little lame too but the fact was that he sort of loved the fucking psycho woman even if he denied it most of the time. But she was a fucking nut so why wouldn’t he deny it? But the truth was that in a lot of ways she was pretty cool.

She had put up with a lot of shit from him over the years. She wasn’t a dumb woman. She wasn’t oblivious to who he was, what he had done, what he was like. She knew damn well. But most of the time she tried not to judge too harshly. She knew he slept around and never said anything about it. She'd set her lips in a firm, disappointed line but she wouldn’t say anything.

She had dealt with him getting arrested, coming home drunk off his ass or high. She'd dealt with surprising calmness the news that not only did her son knock up someone but he knocked up his best friend's girlfriend. She had handled quite well him heading off to go on tour with the father than abandoned his family. She handled a lot of stuff a lot better than he ever admitted.

And the only time that she ever, ever, ever said anything it was to try to help him. To try to get him to be better to himself, to not get drunk or get high or fuck anything he could. Not because it made her look bad. It didn’t seem like she cared much about that. But because she didn’t want him to ruin himself, to ruin his life because he enjoyed living in excess. But excess was an escape and even if he told her he'd stop he never did. It was a vicious circle that they couldn’t seem to get out of.

And the truth was? It was probably better if she just gave up on him, hated him instead of tried to help him. Her life would be so much simpler.

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made And like a baby boy I never was a man Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand And then I fell down yelling “Make it go away!” Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be And then she whispered “How can you do this to me?” Hate me today Hate me tomorrow Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you Hate me in ways Yeah ways hard to swallow Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you For you For you For you