#gardensoflight

Eiji.

I don’t know whether I’ll ever get the chance to confess. I’d come to a point where I thought the words would remain within. There was no hope I’d have a chance to tell you, let alone that you’d believe it—accept me. Yet things are changing and I can’t idly watch so easily. Not that watching you has ever been easy. The further away I was, the simpler it seemed; when you looked two dimensional it wasn’t hard to impose happiness on the picture. 

But I thought it would be simple for you. I didn’t think my love was worth its weight, I thought you’d lay it to rest. And you should have, Eiji.

The longer I stare at the puzzle, the fewer things make sense. I’d reassured myself what I’d chosen was the right path for so long. I fed myself enough hand-picked information to reaffirm myself when self-doubt and loneliness shook me. Now there’s nothing to be done about the uncertainty that has spread like weeds the last two years, pervaded my mind like worms should have riddled my body.

If I come to you, bear myself and confess, how would you take it? You would have every reason to loathe me, and right now you still love my memory.  Do I have enough courage to change that tide? Can I put my ego to one side and allow you what you need? Choice.

I know it’s selfish. 

The longer I’m at this impasses, gaze locked on your every move, the more I’m reminded of the nights I’d watch you sleep. It was hard to wake you but harder to join you in that wistful never-world. I felt better observing that vigil, knowing you were safe in a realm no one could touch you. History repeats. And here I am, making it about myself, again. 

I still watch you sleep some night, Ejii. Would you hate me for that? 

Do you know what you’re getting yourself into? You must. You said I was smarter than you, stronger, but you got that wrong. I was raised in a way to know things, to catch on quickly and adapt, and use everything within my grasp as a tool to claw myself out of hell. If I hadn’t I wouldn’t have survived. But, without any experience, you naturally grasped nuance, you would observe, and then tread carefully even if you knew you walked into danger. And that’s where you’re heading now—you must know it. Yet I see no caution in your path. Why are you so careless?

So, I worry and I watch and I want to call out but I can’t. Can I? 

I drifted for you to survive, let you fly away uninhibited by my dead-weight. I thought it was what you needed. And now it’s like you’re free-falling into the same hell I drowned within. I have no idea if you packed a parachute. Did you forget how to fly, Eiji? Are you testing your wings? 

The cracks of uncertainty beneath my feet widen and all of my anxiety, all of my concern, has only ever been for you. Those words sound so empty but I’d prove it. Would you accept my hand if I held it out to you? How can I stop you, short of holding you back? You never let me back then, you’re not likely to accept my arms as protection now. Still, I can’t not do anything.

I wonder what I’d look like to you? Would you see a stranger in my skin? I don’t want to ruin your dreams, yet I don’t want to see them turn to nightmares, overrun by forces bigger than you. Don’t lose yourself in the world that shaped and killed me. Everything I tried to save you from, you’re running towards with open arms. 

I’ve changed. I’m not the man you knew, and I realise it’s the same for you. I’ve watched you close off and build walls—even with Sing. No man is an island, Eiji, that’s what you tried to show me. Why won’t you hear your own words? In the least, you have Buddy. I always imagined you as a cat person, but at least you have him. He’s a good mutt, and it was just like the Eiji I knew to save him like you did. I feed him sometimes when you’re gone. Have you noticed his favourite spot by the window? And, yes, that’s selfish, too, needing to bond to the one thing close to you.There’s no excuse I just couldn’t help myself.

I have no right to come back—I know that. But I’m not sure you’re giving me a choice, exactly how I never gave you a choice. The tables have turned. If I have to choose between the ghost you still love and your safety, it will be your safety—your life—that wins every single last time. 

I pray there is a plan and that you have a safety net invisible to my eyes. These people you’re playing, they are monstrous. You of all people know that. In those depths you’re wading are beasts bigger than you or me, and you won’t see them before they have you, before they pull you down. They’ll engulf you without a second thought. It’ll be for nothing then; this veil I held between us; this peace that I thought I’d given to you with the murder of myself. I’m beginning to realise my delusions.

Part of me is desperate that these thoughts stay here, on this page, never straying beyond anything more than ink and tears. It’ll be the last resort if I come back to life, no one will win if we come to that. Eiji, please live. For your own sake, fly. I shattered you once, I can’t do it again.

My soul has always been with you. 

It will always be with you.