#galloi

"You love me?" he said curiously. This is how it always starts. They doubt my sincerity, which is understandable. A 320 year old androgynous boy/girl who's bark is equally as vicious as their bight. I'm known for being a bitch. A cunt. A trouble maker. I tell them what they've done wrong. I chastise the ignorant for their miss steps. I'm not known for being a lover. I pet his long hair out of his face before putting my head on his chest. "I wish I could hear your heart beat. It's strangely calming in a weird way..." I sigh and close my eyes. Moments later I hear his blood stir and his heart skip to life. I am at peace with the world as I feel his body warm up from the coursing blood in his veins. There is nothing else in the universe but the two of us. All I can think of is if he loves me or if this is all so he can get farther in the city. "I do love you..." I say slowly, not opening my eyes. "But I'm scared of what you'll say next." He puts his hand between my shoulders and his fingers wander over my spine, spiraling farther and farther out. He sighs. I know what comes next. He will say he's more interested in being friends. I'll feel scorned and end up ruining his life over this. I play this game ever few years and it always ends the same. Another husk. Another sadness that I can't escape. "I have feelings for you that I can't explain," He says. "I've only been a vampire for 40 years. This is the first time I've had feelings for another..." He sighs, more humanly than I could have ever mustered. It fills me with the youth I once felt. I'd marry this man. "I have never been with a man either... Which has been weird. But you're different." I smile at the thought of being considered a man. "I've been both genders. The duality is part of my blood. You know this." I say, letting my fingers trail across his chest, back and forth. He chuckles, "Yea..." there is silence for 10 minutes. I am terrified. Opening up is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I think of all the people I've ruined. I consider the things I could do to him. His mind is already fragile. All it would take is a slight push and he'd be mush. But I can't. He's different. He's a good person. I feel bad just for a moment as I think about all the things I've done. Why would he want to be with a monster? I feel sadness for the first time since I moved to the US. Somehow he knows I'm upset. He pushes me off of his chest so he can look into my eyes. "Why are you sad?" he says with a genuine light in his voice that scares me. "You are special. You make me happy." I smile at him, not trying to show my actual feelings but it doesn't work. "I'm scared you don't love me. Nobody has ever loved me."  He brushes his hand across my forehead and down to my chin. I feel like I'm alive again with his touch. "I won't leave you," He says softly. I believe him. I put my head on his chest again and hear his heart beat three more times before it stops again. I remember what we actually are, and the ice in my veins begins to solidify again. I sit up and adjust myself, looking at my phone. He stays laying down. I face away from him, though I know he's looking at me. To break the silence I say, "I want to be able to trust you, but it is really hard for me. Being admired makes things difficult. Especially when it comes to trust. If only there was a way for us to trust one another completely..." He leans forward and puts his chin on my shoulder from behind me, "What do you have in mind?" he says quietly. All I can think about is his touch.  "What if we drink from each other... Then we'd have to trust one another," I say, voice trembling. He doesn't say anything in return. He just sits there thinking. I continue, "I'm sorry, it was a stupid idea. I just want there to be a way we can be together..." I feel him pulling away. His absence feels like cold water pooling in my stomach. "I'll do it," he says, "but I would have loved you regardless. I feel like even more of a monster for suggesting it. "I don't want you to do it if you don't want to," I say as I turn towards him, crossing my legs on the bed. "You are the first person I've had feelings for in decades. I don't want you to do anything you don't want." He pulls me closer. We kiss as I wrap my legs around him. He then sinks his fangs into my neck. The sensation can only be explained as a vibration of energy from his lips that fills me completely. The kiss is the closest I will ever get to feeling true love.  He drinks from me, and I run my hands through his hair. I pull him away but he licks the wound closed and pulls me in tighter, kissing up my neck and then lips, deeply. I can taste my own blood on his lips. I like it. I run my hands through his hair gently as we kiss. when I pull away from his lips I pull his head back by his long hair and sink my own teeth into that crevice between his shoulder and neck. He moans and bucks slightly before pulling me in deeper. I drink from him and it fills me with his warmth and kindness. I feel less like a monster as he courses through my veins. I force myself off of him, and kiss him again, laying down where I had been on the bed. I feel his hands reaching for me in the darkness and I pull him close. All doubts of who or what I am are gone.  I am Ally Fick. I am a monster. I am in love. I have to survive.