#fuzzybear

So.... this is a rough video to watch. I’ve been kicking myself in the ass for recording a fuckin video while she was like this, but I had no idea the extent of how bad it was. So the last thing I expected was for her to be handed to me in this condition. I’ve been trying to make myself feel better, by telling myself if this was Cleo’s last day, or night, or week, and she were to pass in the hospital, I’d be grateful I got this video of the last time I may get to hold her.

Now, my little dog is a fuckin TROOPER. Everyone who knows her knows there’s no denying that. She has epilepsy and no matter what we do she always seems to slip back into having them frequently. The last two visits to the hospital, including this one, she had seizures that didn’t stop. The paddling continued, she couldn’t breathe, and she was extremely disoriented. Normally the vets act hopeful but they didn’t have a single bit of good news when I went and saw her today. The difference between this time and the last was the last time it went on for a couple hours and it was over after all of us were so worried despite the vets doing their best to tell us she would probably be okay considering she’s come out of it.

Yesterday evening my dog was given her seizure medication, and at 9 p.m. she had a seizure. It is now 6:15 p.m. (the next day) and she has not come out of it. It’s at the point where the vets blatantly told my dad, mom, and I, that it was not looking good.

The bills are already through the roof because of her medication and hospital visits. But now, something all of us can’t handle to go through — is probably what we’re gonna have to go through. They have given her several doses of coma inducing medication, nothing. They think she has a lesion on her brain. Which we got a CT scan for her last time because we were scared it may be a lesion, even though they told us it probably wasn’t but ruling out another possibility was a good idea, we went on with having it done. She did not have a lesion and we were relieved. We just thought the last few months, “Okay. It’s just epilepsy, and she’s getting too used to her medication.” But now, the tables are turned and the vets are confident in it being a lesion more than other possibilities. So that leaves us with, do we get another CT scan we can’t afford? If we do that only to find out what we’re all scared to hear, then we have the options: brain surgery (can’t afford), chemo (can’t afford) and lastly... putting her down. Which good god I do not want to do. This is my little baby. But I would rather her be surrounded by the people who love her as she closes her eyes one last time then continue to have her quality of life poked and prodded, and just pulled apart altogether, only to have the same outcome in the long run.

So I’m really fucked up over this. And I love this little dog more than I’ve ever loved something with a heart that can’t talk (haha).

I just thought I’d share with you guys and honestly at this point beg for any kind of prayers or good energy my pups way. Also cross your fingers that miraculously we’re all being ridiculous and everything’s gonna be okay.

It’s National Epilepsy Awareness Month and it’s honestly kicking our asses.