#futalks

shadow futaba: mhm.

futaba: why are you a boy

so im probz not gunna use this acc as much nymore (not like ive been using it much these past few months anyway LOLZ)... i have a new "main" acc i use now~! @hyacinewww ^w^ its way easier 2 log into cuz its actually connected to my real main instead of a random acc i made

n 2 b rlly honest... mah entire identity on here was sorta an escape durin a real tuff time i was havin... X_X i thought playing the role of a different person entirely would help me cope. would help me get attention and love from people without having to bare myself open to the possibility of real rejection of my real self. and it was fun! i discovered a lot about myself along the way... mostly how i was actually a system.

but then i started to front less, and the new shiny identity i had as a mask was starting to get dull. so i just decided to give it up for a bit. and i couldn't be some perfect monolith forever, couldn't front forever. i mean, theres only so many images of futabs i can edit until i either run out or get bored x_x... but the joy i felt in the act of my identity was real. i wanted to continue being this person, even if i didn't feel like it all the time. i front in pretty explosive bursts but go on cooldown for a while, to simplify it!

so then i had this dilemna of people being invested in a real person but with all the wrong facts abt them. you all loved me but with the wrong impression of me, in a way. bt i wanna b more open abt myself now! im hyacinthia~! and i love the people i've met on this acc!!! i love how kind u've all been to fu! i don't want to pretend im someone else anymore! im so happy every1 luvs tmasc fu as much as i do, my love for that was always real! i hope u all still see me as the fu u always knew, jst different!

i'm still strugglin w my identity to this day, tho. the classic system experience of "am i RLLY a system??" still hauntz me u_u. it's hard 2 know who i am when my only purpose in our system is to make others feel better. i want to figure out who i am, but it's hard when im not always in front. so i feel like letting go of all these "past identities" i've held out of self hatred and fear of rejection and being true with myself no matter what will help, even if im not the best at actually practicing it. i want to be me.

...srry for traumadumpin all of a sudden ehehe... i just thought itd provide some context! n i won't delete this acc, so nobody worry!! i'll probz reblog all mah stuff over here onto hyacinewww as well, and u can still ask me abt tmasc fu stuff on there too!! i might log into this acc every now n then just 2 b safe, but if u leave a message for me here it'll probz take me a whiiile to see it!