14 *More* Ways to Entertain Yourself During a Quarantine
1. Get some exercise! Take a walk (as long as you keep a safe social distance.) If you're totally quarantined, look up workout videos on YouTube. You can even burn a ton of calories deadlifting your children, pets, and/or tasteful 3-piece sofa. 2. Raid the closets and do a fashion show! Take fun photos and share them with your friends. Bonus points if you can come up with some kind of Mad Max-fishnet-and-bandoleer situation. #NewWorld #NewLook 3. Hammer incessantly, like my next-door neighbor, Rebecca. For what reason? No reason! 4. Have someone in the house with a March birthday? Invite everyone they know into a virtual chatroom on Zoom, Skype, etc. Crank the volume and get them to yell, “Surprise!” This works best when the birthday person is sleeping, pooping, or in the shower. They’ll be so surprised. 5. Two words: Prison Tattoos. 6. Train the dog! Teach it to sit, stay, go fetch a handle of bourbon and some Extra-Strength Tums, commit petty larceny, defraud the U.S. government, rollover. 7. Set up a treasure hunt. Things you can hide include iPhones, iPads, treasured sentimental items, grandma’s ashes, life-saving medication* - really, anything to get those jerks out of your hair for a while, right? 8. Paint your nails! Paint the dog’s nails! Paint the nails on the wall! Spring is coming: Everything must be Pinktini and Samba Blue. 9. Do science experiments! If you put you heads together, you can make anything from a baking soda volcano to high-grade crystal meth in a matter of hours.* 10. If you are Rebecca, make an elaborate throne out of the N-95 masks, toilet paper, hand sanitizer, and food that you hoarded. Take sexy selfies and post them to your Facebook, laughing about how you don’t need any of it. Tag it #sponsoredpost and link your bio to some kind of Yoni Steamer. 11. Sharpen all of your pencils. You’ll need them for when the vampires come. (Vampires love to draw!) 12. Have a contest to see who can make the most creative meal out of items found in the back of your cabinets. Perhaps a can of corn spread across a cookie tray to spell, “Help me,” or maybe a jello mold made with plain gelatin, hot dog water, and additional chopped up hot dogs. #WasteNotWantNot 13. Start a rivalry with a local squirrel. 14. Redecorate the guest room or drab home office using stuff from around your house. Your own feces can make a festive faux finish. Or paint an accent wall with Rebecca’s blood. Who’s hammering now, Rebecca?* *Don’t actually do this, you sociopath. Speaking of sponsored posts...sincere thanks to the anonymous friend(s) who sponsored this post because they thought that it could bring you a few laughs/support my writing. I will not, however, endorse any kind of Yoni Steamer.
