#fudgefish

Dropping her head to rest on her knees, Doe hugged herself tightly hoping that it would do the trick in not making her feel so alone. She'd done everything she could think of to help Megan, and it's not like she expected a thank you card for it. She didn't need thanks and she didn't want it. But she watched Megan fall apart in front of her eyes- she'd been there the moment it started and she hadn't walked away since then. But it wasn't Doe that could do anything. It wasn't Doe that Megan wanted. It wasn't Doe that she needed. And though she would've given anything to bring Will back, to erase the guilt she still felt knowing she wanted Will to go off for the sake of protecting Matt. But even aside from that... Doe felt worthless. She couldn't do anything to fix anything for anybody and the only person who seemed able to help Megan anymore was John. And that hurt. She didn't hold it against either of them, she knew she would want Matt there beside her if anything had happened to her, but still, the feeling of not being good enough wasn't one she could easily stomach right then, not when she was doing literally everything in her power to help someone who didn't want any of it.

  Looking up at the faint sounds of voices, Doe saw a couple walking along the beach in the distance and the sight hurt her far more than she ever would've expected, more than she wanted to admit. Something about the way things had been between herself and Matt since the previous week was still digging deeply at her heart. Yes, they'd resolved the issue but Doe couldn't pretend she wasn't still hurt, that she wasn't still ashamed of the entire thing. But even worse was the realization that she didn't know how to be with Matt anymore. She wanted to be strong for him. She wanted to comfort him because she could see that he was hurting too, despite how he tried to hold it together for Megan. She wanted him to be happy, to see him smile and to hear his laugh and to feel his arms wrap tightly around her. But none of these things had happened in two weeks and every day that passed was another day that Doe worried things were crumbling beyond a point of repair.

Doe waddled over to the kitchen table and slid into one of the open chairs, resting her hand on her belly. She let out a deep breath she hadn’t realized she was holding and finally relaxed enough to enjoy her mates’ company. It wasn’t long before the three of them were laughing just like the days they’d spent in the Gryffindor common room at school. Hearing the timer go off on the stove, Doe stood up as Sirius told some absurd joke that she would never actually be able to remember from that point forward, because at the exact moment that she began to laugh, her water also broke.

“Did you just pee yourself, Dorcas?” Sirius asked, laughing in disgust as he lifted his feet from the floor.

“No!” Doe let out a loud wail. “Megan!”

“Her water broke, you idiot. Owl Matt right now. We have to get her to St. Mungo’s.” Megan rushed forward and wrapped an arm around her best mate to help support her as they made their way slowly into the living room and out the front door. Sirius merely stood there in complete shock until Doe’s voice echoing from the yard woke him.

“Get the muffins out of the oven!” And then he heard a loud pop followed by silence. His best mate was having a baby and he couldn’t move. He shook his head, pointed his wand at the oven to turn it off, leaving the muffins inside as he ran to the fireplace, flooing immediately to the auror office at the Ministry.

By the time Doe arrived at St. Mungo’s, Megan had flown into action, bossing around a few Healers until they found themselves in a private room with Doe already laying in the bed. “Where’s Matt?!” she cried, a bit more loudly than she intended to as another wave of contractions passed over her. “I need him. Where is he?”

“Doe, don’t worry. Sirius is getting him. He’ll be here soon, I promise.” She stood beside the bed, holding Doe’s hand tightly in one hand and brushing the hair back from her face. If Matt didn’t get here soon, Megan would kill him. She sat quietly and patiently with her mate as more time and contractions passed, each time getting a bit closer together.

“Megan, I can’t do this without him,” cried Doe after a particularly painful one.

“I know, Doey. He’ll be here any minute.”

And for the first time all afternoon, she was telling the truth because the door swung open just a moment later and in came Matt, his hair a mess and clothes slightly disheveled. His eyes fell on his wife immediately and he was across the room in two seconds, leaning over her to press his lips against hers as he cupped her cheek with his hand. With a smile, Megan slipped out of the room, leaving the two parents-to-be alone together.

“Hi,” he whispered as he held her gaze, his fingers tracing her cheeks and pushing her hair out of the way.

“You’re late,” she said with a tiny smile, her eyes already tired as she sought his hand with hers. Another contraction and Doe was letting out a loud cry of pain, squeezing Matt’s hand tightly in hers. He held her gaze, doing all he could to guide her through the pain. “That’s it, love. You can do this.” She nodded her head and repeating his words in her mind every time another contraction wracked through her body.

For hours the two of them sat waiting for the healers to come back and tell them it was time, and Doe was growing tired and frustrated with each passing minute. Healers finally descended upon them but the only thing Doe could focus on was Matt beside her. With each push came a loud cry, her hair damp with perspiration and her fingers white from clutching at her husband’s hand. She fell back against the bed, shaking her head up at Matt as the healers moved around her doing Merlin knows what. “I can’t do it. I can’t, Matt.”

Nodding his head at her with a small smile, he leaned down to her so that his face was level with hers. “Yes you can. You can do this, Doe, just like you’ve done everything else in your life.” He kissed her temple and helped pull her back up, sitting on the edge of the bed with his arm wrapped around her shoulder. “One more, Doe. One more and we meet our baby.”

She nodded her head and on the command of the healer, gave one final push and heard the loud cry of a baby mixing with her own. She let out a loud gasp as she looked up at Matt who was smiling widely at her, his eyes flickering to the healer who was bundling up their newborn. “Would you like to meet your son?”

“A boy?” Doe asked softly.

“A boy,” replied the healer as she walked around the bed and placed the little bundle in her arms. “Mr. and Mrs. Jarvis, I’d like to introduce you to your son.”

Doe looked down into his face, his chubby little cheeks and eyes closed in a peaceful slumber. “He’s so tiny,” she whispered, lifting one hand to hold in her own. She couldn’t believe it, this little boy that she’d just brought into the world. Matt leaned down to gently kiss her temple, whispering against her ear, “you did amazing, Doe.”

She lifted her head to smile at him, her face revealing her complete happiness. “You want to hold him?” She could see in his face how happy he was as she passed their child into his arms. He was a natural, gingerly cradling his son in his hands. The smile spread across her face, mirroring that of her husband’s. “He looks just like you,” she whispered. “Just like his daddy.” Matt’s face broke into a beautiful smile and Doe tugged on the sleeve of his shirt to pull him down for a kiss.

Matt passed their baby back to Doe, wrapping his arm around her shoulders as he settled back against the pillows with her. “Almost as beautiful as his mum.”

Doe only had eyes for her son as she lifted up one of his tiny hands in her own. “What should we name him?” She didn’t even look up; she couldn’t manage to break her gaze from his face.

“Steven,” Matt said without a moment’s pause. “After your dad. There’s no better name.”

Doe looked up quickly, her eyes wide and her lips trembled as she fought back tears. There was only one thing that could taint this memory and it was the fact that Doe’s father would never meet his grandson. Which is why Matt’s suggestion touched her so much and she felt one small tear fall down her cheek as she nodded her head. “Steven.”

Matt smiled down at his wife and son, sinking back on to the pillows and urging Doe to relax; she deserved it. “I love you.”

The ring on her finger was supposed to be a promise but the more she thought about it, the more it felt almost like a heavy weight that was dragging her to some place she wasn’t ready for. He loved her and she knew she felt the same way about him, but what did that mean? Did she even really know him at all?

Doe shook her head at the thought. Of course she knew him. She knew nearly everything about him, and aside from this horrible revelation, she’d always loved learning more about him. She had the sudden urge to return to Ravenclaw and talk to him, knowing that she’d been too hard on him. She knew it wasn’t his fault and it wasn’t fair to hold something against him that he had no idea about and which had happened long before the two of them had gotten together, probably before they’d even become close friends. But that didn’t make it hurt any less, didn’t make it any less confusing.

Leaning back against the wall, Doe slowly slid down to the floor and pulled her knees up to her chest. She just wanted to sink into the ground and pretend that she hadn’t pushed Matt away and forced herself into this predicament. She heard footsteps coming down the hallway and scooted further back into the shadows thinking that it might be Matt. But a few moments later, the figure approached more closely and Doe saw the one person that she probably needed most in the world at that moment.

Suddenly the room was too hot and she felt like she was suffocating. She kicked the blanket from her body, realizing as she did so that maybe she’d been clinging to it because it was from Fabian and thus reminded her of the two blokes she had just lost. She let out a pathetic groan and covered her face with her hands as a fresh set of tears began rolling down her cheeks. Hearing a sound from Megan, Doe paused, silencing herself as her mate rolled over on the couch, her breathing still steady in sleep. She couldn’t help feel guilty, knowing she shouldn’t push Megan away when she only wanted to help. But at this point, Doe was beyond any of that. She wanted nothing to do with anybody, she didn’t want to feel anything, though clearly that plan wasn’t working.

She looked around the darkened room searching for anything that might distract her from the raging voices in her mind that couldn’t quite decide if she was as stupid and weak as some people seemed to think she was, or if she really was as cruel and uncaring as everyone else seemed to think. Her eyes fell on Fabian’s Transfiguration book on one of the armchairs and Doe almost let out a laugh at the absolute irony of it all. Why the hell not, she thought to herself as she crawled over to the chair and grabbed the book. Nothing else to do, and hell, if she accidentally transfigured herself into a piece of furniture at least she wouldn’t have to feel anything anymore.

Flipping through the book she landed on one of the spells she’d been struggling with for weeks, turning large objects into smaller ones. She fixed her eyes on the coffee table in front of her, perhaps glaring at it a bit too angrily. “Arto Plura” she whispered softly, waving her wand with a flourish. Nothing happened.

Figures, she thought to herself. She pulled the book closer, letting the firelight cast a shadow on the page that seemed to make the words and diagram move before her eyes. This was impossible. Maybe she really was just a fraud and a failure, maybe she ought to pack up and just go home. She let out a heavy sigh, her eyes drifting to her hand, which grasped her wand tightly, her nails digging into her palm out of frustration. What was it Doc had told her before? You’ve got to really concentrate, to clear your mind of anything else but the magic and concentrate on seeing the object become another.

Well, if there was ever a time to shut off the rest of her mind, this was certainly it. She lifted her wand again, closing her eyes for only a moment and willing herself to shut off the thoughts that had been battling for hours. And for the first time all day, it was quiet. Doe opened her eyes, fixing them on the table in front of her and envisaging the teapot with kittens on it that Amos had mentioned to her a few days ago. Biting back a laugh and resuming her concentration, she waved her wand in the complex pattern and said the spell a bit louder. “Arto Plura.”

Before her very eyes she watched as the table disappeared and in a small flash of light a teapot and two teacups appeared in midair where the table once stood. Her eyes went wide in surprise for just a moment before the object came crashing to the floor, the ceramics breaking into pieces with a loud clatter.

“I did it,” she said in wonder, the sound not even affecting her and failing to notice her best mate sit up straight in surprise. “I actually did it.”

“Doe? Are you alright? What happened?” Megan asked as she looked over at her friend sitting with her back against the armchair, a look of surprise still painted across her face.

Dorcas lifted her eyes to Megan’s, a hesitant smile across her face. “I did it, Megan. The spell! The one I’ve failed at for weeks, I did it!” She could almost shout out of excitement, but then the wall she’d held in her mind came crashing down as she thought of how proud Matt would have been of her, how Sirius would have shoved her shoulder and called her a dork for getting so excited. And her face fell, twisted in sadness once more.

“Oh, Doey,” Megan said softly, slipping off the couch and coming to sit next to her mate, wrapping an arm around her and pulling Doe’s head down to rest on her shoulder.

“Megan,” Doe managed to say through a sob. “I messed up so badly… I can’t believe I let this happen.”

“Dorcas, stop. This isn’t your fault. None of it is.”

“No, Megs, it really is. You don’t know… nobody knew until I spilled it all…” she pulled in a deep breath. “Please don’t try to make this any better. Just… please Megan, I’ve lost them both and I can’t take any more lectures.”

“But you’ve still got me, Doe. I’m not going anywhere. I promise,” she stopped herself, wanting to shake some sense into her friend, but seeing that maybe there wasn’t anything she could say. At least not right then. Everybody needed a time to fall apart, and Dorcas so rarely allowed herself to do so. Megan merely pulled her friend closer, running her hand along her hair. “It’s alright, Doey. I’m here.”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Doe said with a huff of air, grabbing the pillow and curling back on the bed.

“Well too bad, because I’m talking. And if nothing else you’re listening.” Megan plopped down at the foot of Doe’s bed, kicking her lightly with her foot. “John wrote, and I quote, ‘I’d like to know what the hell Dorcas is playing at. Matt skipped out on the rest of us last night. Managed to track him down, only to find out Doe broke up with him. Some rubbish about giving him space to move on and fine someone new…’ Ringing any bells now?

By now it was silent in the dorm and every pair of eyes was trained of Dorcas. But she had her eyes firmly closed, her lower lip between her teeth. She didn’t want to talk about this. She didn’t want to even think about it.

“Come on, Doey. Just tell me. Is this all true?”

“Yes,” came her pathetic muffled reply.

“Dorcas! Why?”

“I don’t know,” she said desperately. “Because I’m an idiot? Because he deserves better? Because he deserves a chance to get out?”

“Yeah, I’m gonna go with you’re an idiot.” Mary threw a pillow at Doe to accentuate her point.

Catching the pillow, Doe slowly pushed herself up, pulling her legs under her as she sat up. “Look, it wasn’t easy. And maybe I shouldn’t have done it. But it wasn’t fair to make him wait for me while he’s out in the world and I’m here. I just… I wanted him to be happy.”

“Yeah, well, good job with that one. That wasn’t all John said, and I can tell you for a fact that Matt is not happy right now.”

“That’s just because he hasn’t given it a chance yet.” Doe looked down, picking a loose thread from the pillow as she talked. “He’ll get over it soon enough.” Her voice was barely above a whisper.

Megan let out a heavy sigh and shook her head. “You are being ridiculous Dorcas. But I’m not going to push it any further than that. For now. And at least now we know why you wouldn’t talk to any of us yesterday on the train.”

Doe rolled her eyes, but laid back down, her book long forgotten by now. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I just don’t want to talk about it, okay?”

Megan was about to argue but thought better of it as she stared down at her heartbroken best mate. She might’ve been angry at the girl and her stupidity, but she wasn’t about to kick her while she was down. There’d be time for discussion later. With a sigh, she lifted herself off the bed and left the dorm, headed straight the owlery to send a response back to John.

Doe saw a familiar pair of legs approach her bed and she almost smiled as Marlene’s hand brushed her hair out of her face, the act comforting and saddening at the same time. “You okay, Doey?”

“No. But I’ll be fine. Eventually.”

_____________________________________

“Are you shitting me, Dorcas?”

“Shut up, Sirius.”

“You’re supposed to be the smart one. I’m disappointed in you.”

“No you’re not. Stop trying to make me feel bad.”

“If this is what it takes to make you see sense, then so be it.”

“Well, it’s not working. So shut up before I hit you, instead of the bludgers.”

__________________________________

One week into the semester, and Doe had never felt worse. It was a full-body, full-mind ache, a pain that dug into her heart and took root there. She tried not to think about how Matt was doing, what he might be doing and who he might be with, but as her eyes drifted toward the Ravenclaw once more, she realized it was unavoidable. She missed him. And even if he wasn’t meant to be at school with her, she missed being able to talk to him, to connect to him, to feel like she belonged with him. With a heavy sigh, she pushed away her plate of breakfast, and slinging her back across her shoulder, strode quickly out of the Great Hall.

She didn’t know where her feet were taking her until she found herself at the foot of the stairs leading up to the Owlery. Of course. Well, there was no use avoiding it now. It might have been cruel to herself, and probably to Matt as well, but she missed talking to him. Missed telling him the pointless details of her day, or relating the funny story about the first year who’d fallen into the lake the other morning.

Pulling a small piece of parchment from her bag, she quickly scratched a note.

Slughorn went through an entire bag of pineapple during class yesterday. He dropped a piece in Mary’s cauldron and tried to pretend it was intentional- something about adding a sweet aroma. To Draught of the Living Dead. Must be a new rare technique, maybe the Ministry should test and approve it first.

~ Doe

Before she could second guess her motives, she called down her Cassie and tied it to the owl’s leg. She knew it was selfish of her and really hoped that her note wouldn’t end up in a pile under some quidditch or muggle car magazines. She didn’t even think that it might hurt Matt even further, or perhaps even inspire some faint hope in his broken heart.

_______________________________

Saw Doc yesterday. He laughed at you for almost getting a T on your first Transfiguration essay. But I smacked him and suddenly he felt bad. I’ve included a note from him with some helpful hints for the next one.

~Matt

Dorcas stared down at the parchment in her hands, her eyes tracing over his handwriting with a faint smile on her face. Well at least he didn’t seem to hate her. She folded it up and stuffed it in her bag with the other messages he’d sent since her first one a few days ago. And just in time too, as Megan slid into the seat beside her.

“You. Me. Hogsmeade tomorrow afternoon.”

“Megs, it’s not a Hogsmeade weekend,” she said with a raised eyebrow.

“Like that’s ever stopped us. I need some quality time with my best mate. And I think we could both do with some time away from the castle.”