#fuckyeahazriel

“Leave me alone,” she said. Though she had every intention of snapping at him, it was the weakness of her voice that surprised them both into silence.

“I wasn’t finished talking,” he said, more gently this time. “Why did you just leave?”

She looked up at Cassian, with his sharp jawline and shining eyes and beautiful hair. His wings were out on either side of them, keeping them pressed to the wall, but his arms were also braced on either side of her shoulders. He wasn’t going to let her fall. She was stunned that he cared so much about her.

But if she was to tell him about the bond…surely he wouldn’t want her. She knew she wasn’t lovable like Elain or a warrior like Feyre. She wasn’t a queen like Mor. She was a rather plain elder sister, who let her youngest do the work to keep them all alive. And, she remembered, Cassian knew that. He’d known the day they went to Spring to rescue Lucien — practically told her she was at fault. It wasn’t an easy burden to bear, but it was easier knowing the bond aligned them.

As soon as she didn’t have that…as soon as he found out and rejected her…

“Nesta,” he said again. “What’s going on?”

“You scared me,” she offered, not even sure where she was going with the thought but trying, for the sake of her heart, to tell as much truth as possible to her mate.

He looked stung. She didn’t know why. She could barely remember what he was saying in the moment she panicked.

“They make me feel like I’ll be alone forever.”

Cassian’s eyes turned so unbelievably sad that Nesta wrapped her fingers around one of his wrists beside her head.

“I felt like that,” he said, “before I met Rhys and Azriel. Mor did, too, before she had us. I promise it gets better.”

She instantly felt bad; her life had been so short in comparison. He’d likely been alone longer than she’d been alive. And she even had happy memories from her childhood, to a point.

“And, you know, Feyre and Rhys are the exception. You know how much I want what they have? They’re everything for each other. I’ve never seen him so whole — does that even make sense?”

She nodded, and though his eyes never left her face he barely paused for her to agree.

“They talk down the bond and spend weeks in the cabin and there is no doubt, none, in their minds that they want each other. Can you imagine trusting someone that much? Loving someone that much?”

Nesta thought she might combust. He wanted trust and love and a mate, and all he had was her.

“Someone would always want you,” he said, his voice so sincere it made her heart hurt. “But, Nes, not everyone gets that. And you can still love someone just as much, even if you don’t have a mate —”

“I do,” she said, the words jumping from her mouth of their own accord, her face whitening before she even realized what she’d said.

They stared at each other.

“Already?”

She nodded once, her eyes welling inexplicably. And he would ask who, now. He would have to know. And she would lose him.

He only looked bewildered. “Then what are you so afraid of? You won’t be alone forever! The Cauldron assigned someone to you.”

Now she was shaking her head, eyes closed, trying desperately to keep herself from crying.

“Sweetheart…”

“He doesn’t want me,” she said. “He couldn’t love me.”

“You’ve told him? He said that?” Cassian’s forearm flexed under her hand. “Who was it? Someone in our court? Azriel? Oh Gods, was it Tamlin?”

She shook her head harder. “I haven’t.”

“Then how do you know?” he asked, his tone exasperated.

“Because it’s you,” she snapped, opening her eyes and pressing her palms against his shoulders to move his face away from hers. Two tears dropped onto her cheeks as if he’d already rejected her.

“You look exhausted,” Rhys comments.

Feyre isn’t sure if he’s teasing her or actually concerned, so she sits down and tells herself to take him as seriously as she would any of Mor’s friends. “Double potions through lunch and defense against the dark arts all afternoon. And I already have two chapters of reading that I tried to fit into a half hour of dinner. It’s supposed to be syllabus week.”

Rhys, on a deep green pillow beside her, nods sympathetically. “I know. Double defense for me, but I had the afternoon off. Lucky.”

Professor Suri closes the door and the class, with several years of experience, silences immediately. Feyre lies back on her pillow to gaze up at the starry ceiling and hears Rhys do the same beside her.

Suri dives into her usual speech about astronomy as a science, not a study of astrological signs (and when she sighs, the whole class has the timing memorized well enough to sigh along with her). She notes muggle advancements in the field and follows with the wizarding ones, though everyone has heard this before.

Feyre glances at Rhys, expecting him to be visibly bored or asleep. Instead, he’s studying the constellation over their head. The ceiling is enchanted to show the sky directly over them, though it would be impossible to see all these stars outside with only their eyes.

“What are you looking at?” she asks, if only because sleeping would give him a reason to tease her and Suri’s speech wasn’t even interesting the first time she heard it.

“The stars,” he says, like it’s obvious. When she rolls her eyes, he smirks. “I’m trying to find my zodiac sign, since she says astronomy isn’t about that.”

“What are you?”

“Aries.”

Feyre scans the enhanced sky but quickly realizes that no constellation is close to being obvious enough for her to pick it out. She looks back at him to find him staring at her. “What?”

“Well?”

“I can’t find it.”

“I asked you what your sign is,” he said, eyes shining with amusement.

She feels a blush on her face at having searched for Aries so intently that she didn’t even hear him. “I’m a Libra.”

“Charming and indecisive?”

“Mostly just charming.”

He laughs out loud, and Suri gives them a sharp look.

“Sorry,” Feyre whispers. “How did you just spit out two traits of a random sign? Why do you know so much about astrology? It’s fake.”

Rhys looks scandalized. “Sometimes it’s real. And it’s always fun, darling.”

“Don’t call me that.”

“Charming,” he says.

It’s lucky that Suri gives them an assignment then, because Feyre wouldn’t have had a comeback.