#fstclench

     ❝ BUT YOU DID. ❞  ever since the beginning, he was hurt. why would riku just abandon him like that ? he didn’t dwell on it, riku was here now, but... it lingered inside him. his best friend had cast him aside without thinking about him. was it because he felt as if sora was too weak ? that he was supposed to blindly follow because riku was older ? it didn’t make any sense... when they were reunited they were quickly torn apart once again. at every corner, it seemed like sora was just someone that got in the WAY.  

    ❝ i know you didn’t mean it, but... that didn’t make it hurt any less. i really trusted you, and you... ❞  he really had been bottling up these feelings. it was better to put a smile than to worry others with his own frustrations. eventually, these bottled up emotions will burst. it was only the matter of when.

   ❝ you had kept me in the dark so many times ! you treat me like a child ! i’m not that much younger than you and in a way, ❞ he slows himself, trying to stop himself from crying. dammit, this is why he didn’t want to push this conversation. this wasn’t like them -- they were playful and laughed their problems off. but... this whole thing just bugged him. ❝ i resented you so much. all i wanted to know is that you were SAFE and well -- but you even asked the king to keep your whereabouts a secret. ❞ he wipes his face, eyebrows scrunched in mild frustration. 

   ❝ no matter what, we can do this together ! i don’t want us to be separated again ! please... don’t LEAVE ME AGAIN. ❞

She can’t stop thinking about the paopu fruit.

The gift was kind.  For a girl so far away from everyone and everything else, it’s a kind of security.  HE WANTED THEIR DESTINIES TO BE ONE IN THE SAME, and that means she won’t have to be alone any longer.  It makes her heart skip and her cheeks heat but ---

But that isn’t all it does.  And she remembers.  Not just her memories.  Sora, and Kairi’s.  And Riku’s.  And Riku’s.

‘ winner gets to share a paopu fruit with kairi. ’

She touches her face, her cheeks.  Fingers drift over her eyelashes.  But not her eyelashes, really.  Not hers.  KAIRI’S.  Her hand passes her nose, her lips.  Kairi’s nose, and Kairi’s lips.

‘ --- you mean kairi. ’

Her hands drop to her lap.  She wonders if that’s why Riku saved her, back before.  Was it saving Xion?  Or did the idea of watching someone wearing Kairi’s face suffer merely hurt too much?

She wonders if that’s why Riku gave her the ---

The mirror / no, start again / the shard / no / Xion is silent when she hears hime approaching; he leans agains the paopu tree, and she doesn’t glance down to him from where she sits upon it.  She wonders what he looks like in the setting sun, and knows from memories that aren’t her own.  The words come slowly, after far too long.

xion’s birthday extravaganza!!  /  accepting holy FUCK  /  @fstclench

He’s been all NERVOUS.  It’s strange —— it feels a closer fit to how they’d been at the beginning of her time among the heroes, when memories of her were still filtering back.  Her unsure of how to be around the boy who asked her to die / who treated her with such rare kindness.  He unsure of how to be around the girl he asked to die / who did, but not for him.

But things have been good lately!!  They’re friends, and close.  (  sometimes he meets her eyes and her heart does somersaults and she isn’t sure why.  )  So she doesn’t know why he’s so anxious, or why it’s only gotten worse as her birthday drew closer.  It almost makes her nervous, too.  Has she done something wrong?

But now — him practically shoving the box into her hands — she’s too confused to worry over her own faults, real or perceived.  Her hands are preoccupied with hold what she, after a moment, realizes is a gift / her mind preoccupied with wondering just what he might have got her.  She opens it slowly, mindful of his bright red cheeks, and is surprised to find a ——

Oh.

The story filters to her slowly, like memories from them often do.  If two people share paopu fruits, their destinies become twined together.  They’re together forever.  Xion has been bound to things cruel and gentle, both, and yet the prospect of being tied to him brings her a nervous excitement that’s the exact opposite of fear.

Her own cheeks darken, eyes going wide as they lift to him — he’s avoiding her gaze, mumbling a promise to get her something else.  Her tongue ties.  Her heart races.

Oh.

The story filters to her slowly, like something brand new.  This is no memory stolen from Sora or Kairi.  This is her — her and her beating heart.  It shouts, triumphant : SHE LOVES HIM.  SHE IS IN LOVE WITH HIM.  

Funny.  How she’s not afraid of that.  He wants their destinies to twine together.

“I — I love it!”  Her head shakes, and she takes a clumsy step forward.  Her cheeks are so warm she’s afraid she’ll sunburn from the inside and it makes her words stumbling and short.  “No, no, don’t get me anything else — I — I really like it.  I like it a lot!!”  Her cheeks glow brighter.  She might die from how fast her heart is beating.  “I — I really wanna share it with you!”

Her eyes widen further and his do the same, like they’re both surprised at the words.  I WANNA SHARE THE PAOPU FRUIT WITH YOU.  I WANT OUR DESTINIES TO BE LINKED.  I WANT —

“I —— want that,” she murmurs, voice quiet and head ducking, shyness overtaking.  “If you…want that?”  Obviously he does!  He gave it to her!  She laughs; a quiet, self - conscious thing, but still gentle with joy.  He wants that.  He wants her to be there.  He wants to be with her.  He told her to die, once, and now he asks her to stay, and her eyes well.  HE WANTS HER TO STAY.  HE WANTS HER TO STAY WITH HIM.

“I — I’m really happy.”  She smiles at him, eyes bright and shimmering.  “Thank you, Riku.  Thank you.  I —”  LOVE YOU.  That’s too bold, even for moments like this.  She thinks of her heart and knows she’ll tell him, one day.

the  words  cause  an  instant  reaction    ,    lips  curling  up  into  their  widest  and  brightest  smile .    it  wasn’t  hard  to  summon  it  when  his  words  cause  their  chest   to  lighten  and  feel  so  warm  and  like  they  are  gonna  burst  if  they  don’t  share  it  in  some  way .    ❝    well    ,    it’s  good  that  it’s  never  hard  to  get  me  to  do  it  yeah    ?    ❞    and  without  even  really  thinking  they  blurt  out    ,    ❝   i  really  like  seeing  you  smile  too    ,    it’s  pretty .    ❞

Sometimes checking in wasn’t her best subject in the world when it really should be. It had been a good couple of days- and a bit of cleaned up worlds- since she had last checked in. The thought should’ve come to her when she heard footsteps come towards her. Instead, she looked over to the person, not bothering to get up from the patch of flowers she was sitting in.

the rest is confetti.  /  accepting.  /  @fstclench

The entire group of them shared a bonfire on the beach — her first one ever!!  They roasted marshmallows and hot dogs, shared scary stories.  Aqua tossed Terra into the ocean and laughed when he came up sputtering.  It’s been nice — so nice.

Most of the others have retreated inside, though she’s fairly confident that Roxas has just fallen asleep against a nearby palm tree.  Just she and Riku left awake.  The moon is high and bright, the stars twinkling.  She’s still adjusting to how cool nights on the beach can be, even when the days are scorching hot.  Xion is content, and elated at this day, and feeling more at peace than she’s felt in a long time — but shivering in her t - shirt and bikini bottoms.

Riku must notice it, because she hears him say, “Here, take my jacket” and, when she looks up, he sets the piece of clothing around her shoulders.  She gazes up at him with muted confusion, head tilting (  still unused to care  ) before nodding and putting her arms into the sleeves.  He sits beside her.

It’s almost comically large on her — her fingertips barely sticking out past the too - long sleeves — but it is warm.  She gazes at him as she zips it around her body.  “Won’t you be cold?”

“Nah.  I’ll be okay,” he says, smiling at her.  Her heart skips the way it does, occasionally, when he smiles like that.  She burrows a little more into the too - big jacket, cheeks warming.

“— Thanks Riku,” Xion murmurs.  Her body shifts, smaller form leaning into his taller one as she gazes at the sky.  The air is still for a moment before his arm shifts over her shoulder.  She smiles.

love.  /  accepting.  /  @fstclench

She waves, head above her head, calling his name with open delight.  Long legs take her quickly towards him as he stops in his steps, turning to look at her.  His smile is affectionate and soft, and she reaches him and grins.

He grasps her shoulders, still smiling, and pushes her to the ground.  Her eyes go wide, hands pressing at his chest on instinct, terror welling bright the way it always does.  “Get — get off of me —— stop it!!”  He doesn’t.  The smile is still there.  One hand holds her down — he’s too strong, she can’t force him off of her — while the other presses hard against her chest, on the scar that Xemnas left her.

Her sternum cracks and she screams, blood spattering from her mouth as she does.  Her head falls back, eyes staring up and up and at nothing at all.  His hand leaves her shoulder, the pain too cacophonous to fight against; no need to hold her down like this.  It joins his other where it digs through her opened chest.  She feels ribs cracking, organs shifting.  Like Xemnas reprogramming her.  Like Xemnas.

“W - Why —— ?” she chokes out, tasting copper.

“Sora needs this more than you do.”

She manages to lift her head; to look over her collarbone and the gore of her opened body.  She catches a glimpse of him pale hands wrapped around her heart, lifting it from her body.  She screams.

She keeps screaming when he wakes her up.

She wakes like hands flying to her chest searching for blood and fractured bones and instead finding only the smooth expanse of the too - large shirt she’d borrowed.  She looks at him as he leans over where she’d rested, and his bleached face in the moonlight, and he is not smiling like he had been in the dream.  But she still shouts and pulls away from him, holding tight to her chest.  Protective.  Her eyes are wild and fever - bright.

“Don’t touch me!”  The shout is desperate and accompanied with tears — she hadn’t been aware of them — pouring down her cheeks.  She realizes, slowly, that it had been a dream.  Just a bad dream.  Just — a bad dream ——

Her shoulders crumple, and she pulls her legs closer to her chest.  That’s right.  She was staying with Riku because she needed to be in Destiny Islands.  His couch.  Not the empty expanse of her dream.  He is looking at her with tortured concern, aching for her sake, not smiling as her rips her body open.  Her heart races.  SHE IS AFRAID OF HIM.

She whispers, “S - Sorry.”

He’s silent; body tense as though he isn’t sure if he should leave her be or stay with her.  She isn’t sure, either.  Her eyes lower to her knees.  Finally, he asks, “bad dream?”

She nods mutely.

“—— About me.”

Her silence must be answer enough.  He sighs, and she looks down at her knees.

She says, “It’s…not your fault.  I have nightmares about everybody.”  It’s not as mollifying as she’d expected it to be; if anything, it seems to make him sadder.  He sighs, a low, unhappy sound.

“Do you…want me to go?” He asks finally.  She doesn’t know.  But her head shakes.

“I don’t want to be alone,” she whispers, and that is true.  “Could you stay with me…just for a little while?”

She feels the couch shift beneath her and looks up to see Riku sitting down.  “Yeah, Xion.  Of course.”  She watches him, half - grateful and half - terrified.  Imagines his fingers covered in her blood and then tries not to.  It’s not fair to him.  It’s not fair that she can’t trust; it’s selfish and ugly that the world taught her to be afraid of the world and everything in it.  IT’S HER FAULT, NOT HIS.  “And — I’m sorry.”

the rest is confetti.  /  accepting.  /  @fstclench

Her existence was a problem to fix.

Every breath she took came at the expense of a better person’s happy ending.  Her life was bad.  XION WAS BAD.  (  the unspoken continuation : xion is bad.  )  She had no right to exist, and that very existence was bad.  Her death wasn’t just necessary.  It was GOOD.  Her death made things better.

And Riku —— he told her she had to die.  He, and many others, convinced her that her existence was bad, that Xion was bad, that her life was worthless compared to the hero’s.  He was kind to her, and for that she’s desperately grateful.  But she still knew, on some level, that it would be better for Riku if she never existed at all.

It hangs over her whenever they’re together, mixes uneasily with the strange way she gets butterflies in moments — this knowledge that he would be happier if she wasn’t there.  That her story was an uncomfortable, unfortunate blip in his.  That his story would have been simpler without her in it.  He smiles at her, now, and doesn’t seem hold a grudge.  But there are moments where it makes her sick with guilt and something too close to anger.

It’s a low day, sun almost set, when he finds her sitting on the beach of Destiny Islands as the sun completes its setting.  It’s a low day, then kind where she hurts and doesn’t know why.  Maybe he can tell; he sits beside her, saying nothing.  She’s grateful for the company, even as it makes her guilt shift uneasily.  She’s spent today quietly resenting her life; it’s easy to shift that to him.  It’s silent for too long, and she breaks it with the quiet murmur of, “I’m so sorry, Riku.”

She doesn’t look away from the surf to see him, but she hears the muffled inhale.  “Xion?  For what?”

“For hurting you, back before.”  Her voice is low and quiet.  “Even just…existing was hurting you.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry that — I took Sora from you.  I’m sorry that I existe —”

“Xion.”  His voice is sharp when it cuts her off; she winces, eyes lowering.  But she manages a glance at him, and his expression she can’t decipher, and his kind eyes.  “I wouldn’t have changed a thing.”  Her breath catches.  “I need you to know that.”

And just like that, something integral to her collapses.  Her eyes are welling and she is crying, tears rolling unbidden down her cheeks.  HE WOULDN’T CHANGE A THING.  HE WOULDN’T CHANGE A THING.  EVEN THOUGH HER EXISTENCE HURT HIM, HE WOULDN’T CHANGE THAT EXISTENCE.

HE WOULDN’T GO BACK AND MAKE HER NOT EXIST, EVEN IF HE COULD.

For a girl who perpetually believes that the ending would be happier without her — ??  That is more than everything.

“Riku —”  Her voice is choked and small, and she can’t quite breathe around it.  But grateful.  But so grateful.  Her hands wipe at her eyes, too small to have any hope of catching the excessive tears that fall from them.  But she tries.  “Thank y - you.  Thank you ——”